Torn

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to share my story and where i am currently. Thank you very much if you would like to read on.

The words that describe how i feel, song courtesy Natalie Imbruglia with a slight change i added;

I thought, I saw a man brought to life

He was warm, he came around and he was dignified

He showed me what it was to cry

I met him, and it felt 'too good to be true'. A dignified man, and with a heart - that he said beat for me. He never had an ego to show his emotions, cried when he missed me and hurt me. Ours was a LDR, we spent each day talking on phone/online or texting each other. He said the most beautiful things - that what we have is magical.

Well, you couldn't be that man I adored

You don't seem to know

Seem to care what your heart is for

But I don't know him anymore

As months passed by, his insecurity and control kicked in, then followed the frequent arguements, and abusive behavior (in all ways) . We broke up and patched up manier times, only to fall apart again. I tried to make things right, but he blamed me for his anger, and frustration. The attention, care and love was fading away - and the unexpected happened, he broke up with me.

There's nothing where he used to lie

My inspiration has run dry

That's what's going on

Nothing's fine, I'm torn



He said what ever he wanted to. I thought it was me, so i changed and did things that made him angry. He wanted his space, and i was treated with silence for months. I got desperate as he was not saying 'I love you' any more. He was withdrawing, I was all over the place. I felt lonely, i began drinking more often, partied at new places i know i would never return to. I met some random guys who showered me with their interest. I got physical with a few. I felt empty, I felt ignored by the person who was once mad about me. I was angry, I was guilty, I was LOST. He did not like me partying, talking to other guys or hated it when i was travelling to new countries (on work). He wanted to meet me as he thought issues cannot be resolved on phone - I spend the last penny to spend Christmas with him and then again on his birthday. Nothing was the same anymore. More anger, more abuses, and i was trying to come to a solution each time. We had another ugly fight. I was painted black. He dumped me and asked me to leaved and return to my country and never contact him ever again.

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see

The perfect sky is torn

The wonderful, loving man who 'never said never' was changing. Our intense r/s was crumbling drastically. We planned to get married. He made me believe in marriage, convinced me that i was 'the woman he always wanted'. When his love seemed to deplete - I tried everything, just to revive and bring back the good times. To bring back the man i fell in love with. But all my attempts were futile. He said it was too late. He never called me after the break up. I was restless, anxious and forlorn - tried changing his mind, called his friends to help me reconsider his decision. I tried reaching out to his family who obviously now ignored me. He was obstinate and asked me to move on and respect his decision.

The reality was too painful to accept, i was hurting as hell.

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I'm ashamed

Bound and broken on the floor

You're Gone, moved on, I'm already torn, torn

2 months later, I got to know he returned to our country to meet his folks. I flew to his city to meet him. I called him, only wanting to give me one chance and meet me. He did not want to and told me not to force him. He then told me that he is engaged and would soon be getting married to her. He did not want to be friends with me either. I was so angry and lashed out at him verbally. He ended the call saying i need to just move on and that he was getting late to meet his friends. That was our last conversation. He was cold, angry and felt NOTHING good for me. He got married this month.

Shattered, Isolated and devastated, i lost all faith in love, god and goodness. I do not believe in Karma either. I don't believe in anything anymore. My days are dead, and nights painful. He had my heart and soul, that he threw it in the dumpster. Happy and easily he moved on... .

Thank you for reading. 

[crystalclear]

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to share my story and where i am currently. Thank you very much if you would like to read on.

The words that describe how i feel, song courtesy Natalie Imbruglia with a slight change i added;

I thought, I saw a man brought to life

He was warm, he came around and he was dignified

He showed me what it was to cry

I met him, and it felt 'too good to be true'. A dignified man, and with a heart - that he said beat for me. He never had an ego to show his emotions, cried when he missed me and hurt me. Ours was a LDR, we spent each day talking on phone/online or texting each other. He said the most beautiful things - that what we have is magical.

Well, you couldn't be that man I adored

You don't seem to know

Seem to care what your heart is for

But I don't know him anymore

As months passed by, his insecurity and control kicked in, then followed the frequent arguements, and abusive behavior (in all ways) . We broke up and patched up manier times, only to fall apart again. I tried to make things right, but he blamed me for his anger, and frustration. The attention, care and love was fading away - and the unexpected happened, he broke up with me.

There's nothing where he used to lie

My inspiration has run dry

That's what's going on

Nothing's fine, I'm torn



He said what ever he wanted to. I thought it was me, so i changed and did things that made him angry. He wanted his space, and i was treated with silence for months. I got desperate as he was not saying 'I love you' any more. He was withdrawing, I was all over the place. I felt lonely, i began drinking more often, partied at new places i know i would never return to. I met some random guys who showered me with their interest. I got physical with a few. I felt empty, I felt ignored by the person who was once mad about me. I was angry, I was guilty, I was LOST. He did not like me partying, talking to other guys or hated it when i was travelling to new countries (on work). He wanted to meet me as he thought issues cannot be resolved on phone - I spend the last penny to spend Christmas with him and then again on his birthday. Nothing was the same anymore. More anger, more abuses, and i was trying to come to a solution each time. We had another ugly fight. I was painted black. He dumped me and asked me to leaved and return to my country and never contact him ever again.

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see

The perfect sky is torn

The wonderful, loving man who 'never said never' was changing. Our intense r/s was crumbling drastically. We planned to get married. He made me believe in marriage, convinced me that i was 'the woman he always wanted'. When his love seemed to deplete - I tried everything, just to revive and bring back the good times. To bring back the man i fell in love with. But all my attempts were futile. He said it was too late. He never called me after the break up. I was restless, anxious and forlorn - tried changing his mind, called his friends to help me reconsider his decision. I tried reaching out to his family who obviously now ignored me. He was obstinate and asked me to move on and respect his decision.

The reality was too painful to accept, i was hurting as hell.

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I'm ashamed

Bound and broken on the floor

You're Gone, moved on, I'm already torn, torn

2 months later, I got to know he returned to our country to meet his folks. I flew to his city to meet him. I called him, only wanting to give me one chance and meet me. He did not want to and told me not to force him. He then told me that he is engaged and would soon be getting married to her. He did not want to be friends with me either. I was so angry and lashed out at him verbally. He ended the call saying i need to just move on and that he was getting late to meet his friends. That was our last conversation. He was cold, angry and felt NOTHING good for me. He got married this month.

Shattered, Isolated and devastated, i lost all faith in love, god and goodness. I do not believe in Karma either. I don't believe in anything anymore. My days are dead, and nights painful. He had my heart and soul, that he threw it in the dumpster. Happy and easily he moved on... .

Thank you for reading. 

[Billa]

I feel for you, dear. Here, we're all been there, we all share more or less the same experience. We understand.

[Validation78]

Hi Crystal!

We've all read many of your threads, and you are understandably hurt, sad and angry. Who wouldn't be after all you've been through? We all understand as we have experienced many of the same emotions before, during and after or relationships with a pwBPD.

In addition to posting here, have you read through the many lessons and articles on BPD? I found that learning more about BPD has helped me a great deal as well as all of the links to your right on this board. There are stages that we all experience in detachment, and moving through the stages helps us regain a healthy perspective in a very unhealthy environment created in our relationships.

What are you doing to get yourself on a healing path?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[bpdspell]

Crystal Clear,

The unraveling of your relationship is all too common. It's like we've all dealt with the same person. Idealize, Devalue, Discard. That is usually how these relationships unfold. There's the typical blaming, push pulling and eventually they abandon us. I'm so sorry for your pain but you will survive this. You really will.

You must put yourself on the path to feeling better. That includes mourning and grieving. Are you in therapy? What are you doing to better understand what you went through? I know that your heart is shattered and that you feel sad, lost, broken and empty but there is a light of hope if you trust it.

Reading about BPD males and Casanovas helped me a great deal. There are men in the world who love bomb in the beginning and then drop you like a half eaten sandwich. Getting a therapist helped tremendously. Posting on here and reading the stories of others helped me to feel community. You're not alone.

It helps to accept that this relationship is over. It's in your past. Your ex may appear normal but he is the furthest from it. His new wife will see the REAL him in due time. He is now her problem. And you won't really feel this right now but he did you a tremendous favor by marrying her. You dodged a bullet for he would have ruined your life.

Spell

[crystalclear]

In addition to posting here, have you read through the many lessons and articles on BPD?

What are you doing to get yourself on a healing path?

Best Wishes,

Val78

Hi Val78,

I have been constantly ready every day about PDs - mostly about BPD and NPD which helped me relate to my experiences with my exbf. The absence of validation that him being disordered is propelling me to doubt my own conclusions. I have also been reading on how to recover and heal from the trauma and strong emotional stress i have been for 5 months now.

There is a lot of chaos within me that is triggering the smallest of memories flashback even when i least expect them. Unfortunately the past 2 weeks have been the worst in the last 2 months. I am diverting my thoughts by working and reading mostly. Ruminating, and replaying the good and the bad times just doesn't stop. I keep reminding myself he is married, but that makes me more sad.

[crystalclear]

Crystal Clear,

You must put yourself on the path to feeling better. That includes mourning and grieving. Are you in therapy? What are you doing to better understand what you went through?

It helps to accept that this relationship is over. It's in your past. Your ex may appear normal but he is the furthest from it. His new wife will see the REAL him in due time. He is now her problem. And you won't really feel this right now but he did you a tremendous favor by marrying her. You dodged a bullet for he would have ruined your life.

Spell

Hi Spell,

I really wish i could take up therapy, but cannot afford it at the moment. Which depresses me even more. My only source of help is reading articles about BPD/NPD, also analysing why i stayed or loved him - my own shortcomings, and coming here to learn and understand what are have experienced and how they have cope (coping) with it.

The biggest disadvantage i have is the environment around me - i feel isolated and very lonely. As i mentioned in my post before there is actually no one who i can talk to or seel help from or some validation that i am not going crazy and who could help me understand and see what was happening with me. I barely talk to anyone - i just go to work, come home to eat and sleep. Neither my friends nor my family are of any help.

[winston72]

Very powerful, CrystalClear.  Thank you for opening up.  It is probably of little comfort to you, but the sharing of your story and your pain brings insight and relief to others.