Feeling defeated

[tiredpartner]

I'm feeling so defeated. It's been almost 9 years and I'm sure you can imagine everything that has happened. When we were first together, when he adored me and was my prince charming, he would occassionaly have these episodes. I attributed it mostly to his drinking, which he has not done in 2 years thankfully. However, I was saddened to realize these episodes were not entirely due to his drinking. When they started he would be genuinely ashamed, cry, hug me, apologize up and down and try to make up for it. We would talk about it and he would listen and even say, "Wow, you're so smart, you're so right, I love you so much". Then it turned into I was precipitating it. Then it was my fault, something I did. Now, it's simply, "This is who I am, if you don't like it, leave". He knows he has BPD but does not believe his actions have anything to do with it, of course because whatever the argument is he turns it on me and justifies it with everything's my fault. His verbal and emotional abuse has continued and he no longer shows any remorse. He has projected every symptom of his BPD onto me and insists that I always think I'm right. I misunderstood something he said and after I told him I was sorry I misunderstood he screamed at me to tell him I was wrong (several times) and told me to show him I was wrong, and proceeded to tell me I'm a dumbass after he chanted "You're always right, You're always right". This was only a small portion of the incident. Later that night he said sorry I yelled at you I was frustrated, then acted as if it never happened, like that is acceptable behavior for a 40 year old and a partner. Or any human being for that matter. He did not even recognize how heartbroken I was. He's turned my boundaries I've set and refusal to engage in his dysregulation into the reason it's my fault for our lack of closeness and communication. When in reality it is not difficult to see that his dishonesty, secrets, drug use and drinking, betrayel and abuse is what has drifted us apart. Not to mention the screaming, hanging up and unkind attitude toward me that gets in the way of our communication. Blame aside, I don't know how to deal with this turn around. I want to scream to the world THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT but I know that doesn't solve any problems. I don't know how to continue a relationship with him when I feel unappreciated for all the forgiveness, support and understanding I've given him. I feel betrayed all over again. And I feel sad because after 8 years he still doesn't know me, only believes what he's made himself believe. I am not with someone who loves me for who I am. I'm with someone who has let his monster take over and completely create a facade. I know that no matter if it's true or fake, it feels true to him. But I cannot for my own sanity allow him to live in his facade and believe all these lies. But if I try to "defend my honor", or point out the symptoms of his disorder to try to help him see things and help him deal with things I'm putting him down and I'm the awful girlfriend again. Right now I need people who know what I'm going through and know the right words to say. I've been gone too long, in more ways than one.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   I'm so sorry you're having to endure this.  I know it isn't easy.  Can you think of ways to remove yourself from the firing line and rejuvenate?  I know it always helps me to get out in the garden when things are tough.  I love the earth and the life it gives.  It grounds me in more ways than one. 

Wishing you some peace and tranquil moments! 

[tiredpartner]

I do remove myself. But the problem of him seeing me this way is still there. He even says I'm the reason were not married yet. That cuts me like a knife. So does he really believe that or is it just his way of hurting me? I've put so much into us and have worked so hard to work with his disease. And if I ask him when he's comes back down if he really feels that way he'll say yes. Bc he's lied to himself for so long he has to say yes or it wont make sense to him? I'm not a controlling person like he says. I am in control, I have to be, we have 2 children and I'm just a calm person. But I definitely don't control this relationship or him. Wed probably be in a different place if I was. And I don't always want to be right. I have a very open mind. I dont lie, im a very honest person. I dont cheat, i am faithful and dedicated and probably give more loyalty where loyalty is not so deserved. How do I deal with him not even knowing who I really am?

[arabella]

So much of what you've said resonates with me. I feel your pain. To me it feels like I'm Sisyphus (pushing a rock up the hill only to watch it roll back down again).

He even says I'm the reason were not married yet. That cuts me like a knife. So does he really believe that or is it just his way of hurting me? I've put so much into us and have worked so hard to work with his disease. And if I ask him when he's comes back down if he really feels that way he'll say yes. Bc he's lied to himself for so long he has to say yes or it wont make sense to him?

I think at a very surface level they believe these things. I think the truth is that they can't accept the reality. They know it's them and they can't cope with the pain of admitting that, even to themselves. We get blamed because it's so much easier than having to face themselves. Their brains won't LET them see the truth. Occasionally my dBPDh has moments of 'enlightenment' where he admits to the reality of our situation. Deep down he does actually know that it's him. But if I suggest anything of the sort he blows up at me. The important thing for you to remember is that, no matter what he says, it ISN'T TRUE. Take hold of your truth and hang tight with both hands.

I spend a lot of time listening to people tell me what kind of person I am. Mostly they are wrong. And they don't even agree with one another (so it's not like I'm projecting a particular image here). It frustrates me to no end. My H should know me better. When he's healthy, he mostly does. When he's dysregulated he starts selectively spewing the things he's heard other people say or things he wants to believe: I'm controlling, inflexible, too serious, prissy, uptight, don't like to go outside, not interested in doing the things he likes to do, jealous, insecure, lazy, obsessive, etc. This being told who and what I am thing PISSES ME OFF. I'm hoping someone here will offer you some advice about it because I could use some myself. I think I'm going to lose it on the next person who informs me, albeit subtly, that I'm basically a princess who would never stoop to doing real work (hope it isn't my H!)

[tiredpartner]

I love those moments of enlightenment. My BPDp does the same spewing. Frustrating. It never gets less frustrating or hurtful. I'm sorry that happens to you as well. It sounds like you also need to hear... .

Take hold of your truth and hang tight with both hands.

[tiredpartner]

I love that arabella, it is my new quote I will wake up to in the morning 

[arabella]

  

[Rockylove]

fortunately, we're in a period of time where he's vulnerable and very loving... . clear headed and telling me that he's feeling insecure.  I've been validating whatever I know to validate.  He's been responsive.  I don't know how long this will last.  I'm prepared for the fall out, but I'll not lose what I've gained... . my self esteem.  I know who I am and no matter what he says, that will never change.  He's said that I'm the most wonderful woman on earth and then... . well, all the nasty things you can imagine.  I've asked him (in moments of clarity) which he believes about me and he said "both... . that's part of your charm"  ? 

[arabella]

He's said that I'm the most wonderful woman on earth and then... . well, all the nasty things you can imagine.  I've asked him (in moments of clarity) which he believes about me and he said "both... . that's part of your charm"  ? 

I'm laughing because I've heard this before. I was told, in a moment of clarity, that part of the reason he loves me so much is because I'm just as crazy as he is! Sure, you go right on believing that buddy... .

[connect]

Hello 

Being pretty new to BPD (but been on a crash course since i discovered it in my bf in Feb!) I can also relate to what you are saying. It spoke to me very strongly!

I have also frequently been told that I am the crazy one. He is also enlightened sometimes and talks about his feelings and admits its his fault. He does refer a lot to the crazy one being me and I think he is trying to say it enough so that it will stick. When he is disregulating I wont engage in any meanful converstaion along these lines as there is no point - when he is level and saying it then I will always dispute it (after validating him for feeling that way) I am determined to hold on to the truth that IT IS NOT ME! When he is in a good period I am told it is because I am happier and nicer!

I have also felt sad feeling like my bf doesnt really "know" me. Some of the things he says about me are things I have never been described as before eg confrontational, firey, controlling, high maintenance, closed, not a people person. Wierd as my friends describe me as laid back, kind, open, generous and a non confrontational person. My bf also says I am a seductress and a medusa! This is of course all mixed up with him saying I am great and wonderful and patient for dealing with his emotional difficulties etc etc.

So not much help but I know how you feel 

[danley]

I have also felt sad feeling like my bf doesnt really "know" me. Some of the things he says about me are things I have never been described as before eg confrontational, firey, controlling, high maintenance, closed, not a people person. Wierd as my friends describe me as laid back, kind, open, generous and a non confrontational person. This is of course all mixed up with him saying I am great and wonderful and patient for dealing with his emotional difficulties etc etc.

When I read what you wrote it brought back flashbacks of my ex who had done the same things. He would always say wonderful things about me and then there were times when he would accuse me of off the wall type stuff. One time we were having a heated discussion right before his soccer practice. He told me don't even think about coming down here to cause a scene. First of all, I've never even been to any of his soccer practices. Secondly, I didn't even know where he was practicing. And thirdly, I would never do such a childish thing. I thought to myself WTH?  One time he told me that I was psycho because I sped off after he basically accused me of flirting with someone who I don't even talk to. He would insist on it being True. It was like paranoia overboard with him. One time he was pissed at me and we were both about to reverse our cars out of our stalls. I let him reverse first and when he was in drive, I started to slowly reverse next. He got all enraged and said I was trying to bang his car. AND just like you,  he would switch from calling me wonderful to calling me horrible and then back again to me being wonderful. And like you, my friends and family will tell you that I am non confrontational, laid back, etc. They would think he was insane for accusing me of such things. I would feel like my ex KNEW me but when he was angry, he would pull crazy accusations out his butt about me and say things that made me question if it was that he didn't truly know me or if it was just his anger and paranoia going rampant.   It was bad when he was ANGRY. It was as tho this evil twin would come out in him. It frequently left me dazed and confused. Whenever he was in one of those moods, I always felt defeated because he would think and react in anger and wouldn't be able to control his tantrums.