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I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
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Topic: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations (Read 755 times)
MessedWith
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 12
I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
on:
July 23, 2013, 09:24:59 AM »
Toward the end of the r/s, when I suspected my ex lover was seriously mentally ill and not just extremely moody, selfish and frustrating - I knew nothing of BPD then - I wish I had started secretly recording conversations and rages with an audio device - a small dictation recorder or something like that.
The stuff she shouted at me was so mind-boggling in its irrationality I think I have blocked it out. I can't recall the words. All I can recall is my dumbfounded shock and the awareness that what she said/shouted made no sense and was completely unfair.
I have very few examples of the things she said during those times, no proof that it wasn't just my misunderstanding, and I think noone would believe me, it doesn't fit the image she conveys. Little do they know what lies beneath. She isolated me so effectively that I still can't speak honestly to friends (the few I have) about what went on. I would just sound like a bitter, rejected ex-lover spewing sour grapes.
So I recently (finally!) started seeing a psychologist to get help for the damage done, but also to understand my own part in it and why I became so pathetically codependent and lost. I aim to heal and grow from this experience.
Its been 3.5yrs since the beginning of the r/s, and ended nearly 1.5yrs ago. Since then I've read a lot about BPD, lurked at these forums, related to stories and experiences like mine, and so I am aware of the influence this must have on how I now recall and perceive everything that happened.
This, on top of my own sometimes cloudy recall caused by the emotional turmoil and confusion I was experiencing at the time, doesn't help me keep the facts clear.
I want to know what REALLY happened and take responsibility for my part in it - because up until recently, I've been so very, very angry at my ex, that I wasn't ready to start looking at myself and the role I played in enabling that disfunctional, toxic r/s to exist ... . and why.
So I wish that back then I had the wherewithal to start keeping an audio record, and write about it as accurately as possible. Not with a view to use it as a weapon against her, but for my own sanity - as an aid for the future therapy and recovery I knew I'd eventually need to go through.
I would have felt a bit guilty recording her without her knowledge, but I think the damage done by BPD is way, way worse, and when you are being emotionally abused you need to take care of your own interests because your abuser sure isn't going to help you unravel the damage they do to you.
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Nearlybroken
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #1 on:
July 23, 2013, 09:36:27 AM »
Messedwith,
I could have written your post.I have often wished that I had recoreded my ex partners irrational rants, twisted logic and awful allegations.Though I can remember quite a bit there is lots I have forgotten... . I don't know whether this has happened because i am trying to protect myself or whether ,before we split,I blanked a lot of things out to enable me to continue with the relationship and effectively undermine the reality of the situation.I am alos unable to speak to friends about what has gone on.Like you, my ex has an image to the outside world that is entirely inconsistent with the BPd behaviour he displayed whilst at home.I feel so isolated there are times where I question my bersion of events.Yopu are right though,the damage done by BPD is overwhelming in it's emotional destructiveness... . and the nons get no help from the exs in coming to terms with things.
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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #2 on:
July 23, 2013, 09:44:51 AM »
I recorded all of them and I *still* second guess myself. My ex hubby always has completely rational explanations for everything. It can make you really doubt yourself. Part of the disease is that they are flawless liars, to the point where you wonder if their memory is completely different from the truth.
Yes, the recordings do help you remember how bad things were, and how they flat out lie. But trust yourself. It was probably even worse than you let yourself remember.
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ObiRedKenobi
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 87
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #3 on:
July 23, 2013, 09:52:17 AM »
I've often thought it would have been nice to video record some of the "talks" I had with my ex. She would scream and her voice took on an edge but when I tried to bring this up she said she was just "talking" I wanted something to play back and ask do you remember it as just talking or do you realize this is what you looked and sounded like?
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allinthesmall
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #4 on:
July 23, 2013, 09:56:46 AM »
I just started recording conversations with an MP3 recorder.
I think doubting ourselves is one of the reasons we stay so long. I am constantly thinking "did I miss something?", "what just happened?", "maybe It's not as bad as I think", "why do I feel so bad all the time?", etc... .
Although you can't go back and record anything, I think it would be very helpful for you to start journaling, now. You will be surprised what you can recall. Journaling has really helped me with processing everything.
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mitchell16
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Posts: 829
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #5 on:
July 23, 2013, 11:01:02 AM »
MessedWith, I had started recording some of our conversation and it was always as bad as I remember. When I play it back, I can hear the circlur arguments, the not taking reponsiblity.
But for a long time and even still now. I felt like it always me. She would say I was controlling, to jealous, insecure, couldnt handle a strong independant women etc... .
and I beleived her even though in my heart and mind I didnt feel like any of that was true. When I asked her to give me some examples of what she was talking about she never could or would. She just spit out the words and it worked I would back down or get on the defensive trying to defend myself from the horrible accustions that she said was destroying the relationship. The things she said that I was to jealous about or controlling over, lets see. If she was receiving phone calls/text message from ex boyfriends and I didnt like it or telling me one day that she just couldnt do a relationship and didnt know if she wanted it anymore and then wanting to take a trip without me and telling me she wouldnt have phone service the whole time. so we couldnt talk or she couldnt be reached. Asking me could a male "friend" that I had never met could sleep over at her house, while I slept somewhere else. When I asked why that was, she said because her spirtual convictions caused her to have problems with letting this man know that I slept at her house. Really? telling me she changed her email passwords and cellphone passwords and then me saying that was suspcious, explodes and tells me Im to untrusting. never mind that she had used her email and cellphone to stay in contact with an ex behind my back and chnged her passwords so I couldnt check them even though I never did. I just knew when she told me the last time she did that it was very suspcious and she later admitted because she got paranoid that I would find out she was talking with him and planning a meeting with him behind my back. Of course when she did that same behavior again I questioned it. Of course I was to suspcious. For about 2 years I blamed myself, If only I trsuted more, or if only I had been more understandinig, or if I hadnt said that so hateful ( according to her) It would still work. But what I found after I changed everything was, she would still find something else that was my "fault" and still after she broke up with me again she still wnats to conatct me daily at her leisure. If I dont respond I get some sort of sarcastic texting and then she goes silent. If I do respond i will her from her for few minutes and then 24 hours of silence until she wants to talk again. What I do find funny is the conversations she never mentions she loves or misses me and wished we could put it back together. It always just polite chit chat about my health or what she did the night before. nothing important.
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danley
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 238
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #6 on:
July 24, 2013, 03:46:44 AM »
I have thought about recording or videoing my ex and my disagreements. He used to make the ugly and angry face over the littlest things and I'd Sometimes laugh out loud because I would be so shocked at his reaction. I'm sure we all make faces we don't know about but when I'd point his facial expression out he'd say he wasn't making an ugly face. When I get upset or sad or happy, I am aware that the face will match the emotion. The words were also something I'd like to have recorded. He would say the craziest things and then pretend he didn't or that I was reading into it wrong. He would rage and then when I'd say he was out of line, he'd say he wasn't angry, wasn't being loud, or wasn't being disrespectful. If I HAD gotten the chance to tape him, he'd probably be very upset. I don't think he'd even wanna watch or listen to the recording because he would know deep down inside himself that he was out of control. Plus he doesn't like to be proven wrong.
However, I wouldn't like to be secretly recorded. So I would not record him.
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GettingFree
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 5
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #7 on:
July 24, 2013, 10:07:01 AM »
Until just recently, I have never heard of BPD. I'm separated and in the process of divorcing my wife of 17 years. I am amazed that there are so many of us that have such a similar experience. I thought I was stuck in a nightmare or was in the Twilight Zone. I have recorded some of my wife's rants. No one would believe they came from my wife. She did have a full melt down in front of our pastor during a counseling session. I think he was ready to call an exorcist. He just couldn't believe it. My wife was a singer in the choir and the sweetest little Christian lady you could ever meet. She dropped her mask in front of a few more friends not too long ago. They were in shock.
What bothers me most looking back is how I let her do this to me for 17 years. What does that say about me? I was trying to do the right thing and honor our marriage. I was completely blind to the fact that I was irrelevant in our marriage. She was the only thing that mattered. While I will never get those 17 years back, I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again.
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mitchell16
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Posts: 829
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #8 on:
July 24, 2013, 11:22:11 AM »
I hated having to record my ex but once in one of he melt downs or rages she made up a false story that she was going to tell about how I abused her. Self inflicted I wasnt even there or in the state at the time. But she threatin to "expose it" if I didnt answer her calls. So after that I started recording to protect myself. My thought if she would do that she would say or do anything. I dindt want to leave my freedom or my life in someone elses hands with out some sort of protection. When I played back the recordings I relized just how crazy it all sounds. I would never want to have to record anybody but I felt like I had to protect myself.
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Jhensohn
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 38
Re: I wish I had secretly recorded conversations
«
Reply #9 on:
July 24, 2013, 11:44:05 AM »
I wish so too. Mine could go on for hours and days... . Talking about the same thing I had done wrong... . Until I did something wrong again. She used this to make me give up many things. I'm seeing my part in it also.
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