Need some advice

[willtimeheal]

My ex BPD and I have been together for 4 years.  It has been a rocky relationship.  We are both female.  We both never thought we would be in a lesbian relationship.  She has children from a previous marraige and we both have always dated men but it happened and there was a strong connection.  For 3 and 1/2 of those years she was an alcoholic (raging alcoholic).  We didn't go a lot of places because I was embarrassed of what she might do or say.  Also, I never told my family about our relationship, she told hers.  This just fueled the fire.  SHe comes from an extremly abusive and dysfunctional family with a history of alcoholism , drug use, trouble with the law, the whole nine yards and she will state that... . my family is so dysfunctional.  I don't come from a family like that so I don't understand it.  Actually after a night with my family, we all got in the car and she looked at the kids and said, "That is how a normal family acts.  Not a dysfunctional family like ours."  Needless to say she got help and is sober now.  We went on vacation for Easter and she was very distant before  during and after the trip.  She said she needed space.  I gave her the space she needed.  I knoew she was dealing with a lot.  A lot of her family problems were dumped on her.  Her father is in jail and demanding things. She took all that frustarion and anger out on me.  In the meantime I went to therapy and started to get stronger and better.  Then one day I got a text saying simply, we are done.  No explanation or anything.  Just we are done.  I just said ok.  I didn't respond or anything after that beause I was so hurt and heartbroken.  She went on to meet up with old friends, convinced one of them to move back her and move in with her.  He quit a great job and came back to this crap town to be with her.  While all this is going on she is texting me saying she loves me and wants to be with me.  I do love her.

Here is my issue.  I have told her I will give her what she wants.  I will tell my family about our relationship.  We will move in together and have the life we always talked about.  Now I am getting the I feel guilty, he quit his job and came here for me.  I can't hurt him.  I can't.  She said she tried to tell him but he cried so she stopped telling him that she didn't love him.  And then I get how do I know you are serious?  For 4 years you wouldn't say anything and now you are willing to.  Here is the thing.  I have been in therapy for the last year and I have learned a lot about myself and I am ready to make changes for me.  No one else but me.  Another pice I don't get is she told me she started therapy again but never mentions going.  She also said she cut all ties with her father but mentioned that she would like to go see him in the next few weeks cuz she misses him.  She also said she sent him a fathers day card. So much of her story does not add up or match. 

So how long do I wait for her decsion?  Because I refuse to allow her to play house with this dude while she is deciding which world she wants.   If she loves me as much as she says it should be a no brainer and her decsion should be made.  Am I being played?

[hopefulforfuture]

Dear friend ,

                I have a 4 month old ex BPD girlfriend and considering that minimal experience and reading a lot on the internet  maybe i am biased but i think WE deserve better .  Me myself being a chronic depressive knows how bad it is to be having a mental illness but this "borderline " stuff is pretty tricky . Like jumping to save someone who is thrashing so much that you also sink with it  . 

I agree 4 yrs is sometime and leaving a loved one is always painful but look at her ... . In a blink she is with a new person ( maybe because of her BPD issues ) but as long as they cant understand the implications why stick around ?  Please read  a lot of other peoples experiences  in this forum and on the net  and read the books but tread very cautiously as love is blind ... .

I thought the mentally ill are the most deserving people for sympathy but as far as borderline illness is concerned i feel the partner needs more sympathy  .,, So  dont feel guilty and love yourself and however painful it is in future you will get a nice partner ... . Best wishes 

[willtimeheal]

Thanks hopefulforfuture. 

It is a hard decision.  What bothers me the most is I have no idea what is a lie or the truth.  I do know she loves me. I have always known that.  But one minute she says she bought a house and they are all moving in together and then come to find out she hasn't bought anything.  She is looking for a house.  Is the new guy even here?  Did he move here?  The only I know is that she said he is and she showed me a letter he wrote to her stating he was so excited aout the move and that he loved her so dearly.  How do I know he even wrote the letter?  Also the letter stated she invited him into her home 81 days ago.  80 days puts us on vacation together so she had to be talking to him while we were on vacation together.  So much does not make sense.  So we are suppose to meet tomorrow and talk.  I have told her my feelings and my plan.  She can choose to trust it or not.  I have never lied or cheated in this relationship.  But I will not give up my power to her. She may think she is in the drivers seat and controling everything but I am out dating an meeting others.  So while she is playing her game, I just might meet someone else.  I do deserve better and I am not going to play the game anymore.  So take your time BPD because when you finally do decided I will be no where to be found.

[hopefulforfuture]

One small suggestion . Date or no date ... . try to avoid rebound relationships quickly  ... . i am still hurt or angry at my ex BPD  but am planning to take my time to grieve and heal ... .

[Pretty Woman]

Willtimeheal,

I experienced almost verbatim what you did with my BPD ex.  When she hooked up with her ex she finally told me after I prodded.  She started to cry and then said "but I already booked my trip and I will lose her as a friend"

Similar to what you said only about her new guy. 

It's all about THEM and their problems and needs NOT us.  Every time I think maybe she doesn't have BPD I come to this forum and the stories are the same. 

We deserve better. 

Have you tried EFT? Look it up.  It's been helping me a bit.