how to avoid burnout from no emotional support?

[z 7873]

I have been completely without affection or intimacy for several months due to my bpw suffering multiple self inflicted social rejections, being kicked off of a sports team, not being invited to be in a band, etc. She only seems to want me when her ego has been fed or if I get a bonus at work, and her ego is empty and bonus season is gone for a while. I'm the kind of person that really needs affection.

To add to that, she has been pinning and shifting on to me like crazy, of her own problems and problems at home with an older child.

She really hates me, and if you were to listen to her I would be a really bad person. I would certainly not like the person that she describes me as. I know it's not about me, but between the lack of affection and the hateful pinning I really feel like i'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, or possibly becoming the terrible person she thinks I am.

I keep waiting for it to turn around, the past pattern is that every few months she will show remorse for her behavior and give me positive attention for while, until that runs out. This time it has been most of a year.

My release has been listening to music, dark and painful music, and that helps, and the cat loves me, which is nice.

I get into trouble for talking to the cat, and my attempts to meet my own needs in any way are seen as me withdrawing from her. I actually got busted for eating breakfast on the back porch last week, it was a beautiful morning and last I checked she was asleep. Since I hadn't read her mind and made it into a fully fledged romantic breakfast for two, I was a terrible person. If I work on the motorcycle, which is probably my only honest relationship, I get punished for withdrawing. But if I'm not riding the bike because it is out of maintenance then I'm being strange.

In short, everything I do is wrong and I get no love. I support the family and attend to the needs of everyone but it feels like i'm just dumped on generally.

Headed for burnout and bitterness, which will only prove her right.

So, I guess this turned into venting but I'd love to hear what other people do to keeps themselves from self-destructing.

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[4now]

 

Let me just say welcome here and hope you can get some good insight from posters.

It sounds to me like you have been starting to attend to your own needs and attempt self- care, ie. eating breakfast outside and enjoying the nice weather, fixing motorcycle, etc.

This is what you need to do to care for yourself.  She may not like it one bit, but it's okay for you to do these things.  Of course, this should be balanced with your obligations including time with her and the family.  It sounds like she is not too receptive of that right now, so if that's the case, go on and care for yourself by doing things you enjoy and that will bring you peace and some happiness. You could always nicely offer to include her in some of the activities, you may find she says no, and then feel free to go on and enjoy them without her.  You have a right to find your own happiness.  Also, the more I have learned to care for myself, the more it seems my h feels less pressure.  Maybe because I am happier and more content and am not looking for him to "do" anything for me. 

You asked how others cope with this, I have found looking to other people I trust and can count on for emotional support is helpful.  It might be a friend or family member.  Also, I have found that the less I have relied on my h for emotional support, the stronger I have become myself and really don't rely (much) on anyone else for emotional support.  Except for the wonderful people here, of course.  I don't know if this is good or bad, it just is right now.

Have you heard of mindfulness or detachment?  Mindfulness might help you some, it has helped me immensely. 

I hope this helps!

[z 7873]

Thanks. I actually abandoned the practice of insight meditation because I started to get a profound sense of depersonalization and I felt like it was getting in the way of 'normal' life. I have considered getting back to that but for me it would be an act of giving up on the prospect of affection. Funny you mention it.

I did have a need to outgrow some codependency issues from childhood and living with a bp has really taken care of that . I appreciate that I am wiser and tougher now, but it does get lonely

[Grey Kitty]

I get into trouble for talking to the cat, and my attempts to meet my own needs in any way are seen as me withdrawing from her. I actually got busted for eating breakfast on the back porch last week, it was a beautiful morning and last I checked she was asleep. Since I hadn't read her mind and made it into a fully fledged romantic breakfast for two, I was a terrible person. If I work on the motorcycle, which is probably my only honest relationship, I get punished for withdrawing. But if I'm not riding the bike because it is out of maintenance then I'm being strange.

Time to start believing yourself and not her when she pulls crap like that. No need to argue with her about it, just don't stick around to get harassed for enjoying yourself.

You can't make her take care of your emotional needs. You shouldn't let her stop you from taking care of your own.

I know, I'm saying this like it is easy, and it sure isn't. But it is worth it. The best thing you can do for your relationship is take good enough care of yourself that you don't feel empty whenever she leaves a gap.

Next time she starts to go on about how awful you are, excuse yourself and go work on your motorcycle

Or better yet, spend some time with another friend or family member.

[briefcase]

You haven't done anything wrong by taking care of your own needs - you don't need her agreement or approval to look after yourself.  It's hard when our efforts to take care of ourself are triggering to our partners though.  To be in these relationships though, you will need to be conifdent that you are on the right path and not let her moods control your moods.  Have you read the Lessons?