Him cutting me out makes me feel like it's my fault

[shaggysoul]

When we cut them out without a word it is saving ourselves. Doing the right thing. No contact is best.

But when they do it we says they are giving us the silent treatment, it's emotional abuse, manipulation.


I feel crazy that I broke it off with him so many times when he crossed the line only to have him ACTUALLY walk away. And ignore me like I'm the one who caused all the problems here.

[seeking balance]

When we cut them out without a word it is saving ourselves. Doing the right thing. No contact is best.

But when they do it we says they are giving us the silent treatment, it's emotional abuse, manipulation.

It is hard not to do our own black/white thinking sometimes when we are spinning... . I can see how you can be confused with this.

Used properly by either party, No Contact is a tool to depersonalize so we can heal and balance out our own emotions.  We realize the contact with the other person is not bringing about healing and kindness, thus the need to detach and go NC.

Either party may or may not use it to manipulate - depends on the intention and the supporting actions, but either of us may use it in a not so nice way.

I feel crazy that I broke it off with him so many times when he crossed the line only to have him ACTUALLY walk away. And ignore me like I'm the one who caused all the problems here.

Isn't crazy kinda of the appropriate feeling since you broke it off for boundary busting, but kept taking him back?  We all do the dance, but the only way we can stop it is when we realize it is kinda crazy... .

You know your truth, right?  EVERY relationship has 2 people and each person has a bit of responsibility when things fall apart.  You only have to own your part, he gets to own his.  Try not to let his going no contact push your own "not good enough" or "abandonment" or "shame" buttons - we all have those buttons to some degree or another.

What button does him not talking to you now push in you - one of these or something else?

[shaggysoul]

Rejection, abandonment, shame. All those. Absolutely.

I did use breaking up with him to manipulate him. This was after hours of hours of being HARASSED about my imagined infidelities. Hours. And hours.

I thought maybe it would make him see the light and he would stop misbehaving(I made the mistake of calling it that to his face... . what is one to thing when their partner flips out over absolutely nothing? That they are making problems for the sake of making problems.

I wasn't serious about breaking up in hindsight. There was just no rationalizing with him. It was the only thing I could do to make space.

NC is a tool. I know. And it is for the best. I am almost thankful that he is the stronger one and can maintain it. I am not so strong.

I accept my part in this in that my underlying hope was that I could heal him. Take him under my wing and mother him. Connect with his darkness and heal together. I feel so wrong and stupid now.

[seeking balance]

Rejection, abandonment, shame. All those. Absolutely.

yeah, those are hard to process.

I found it helpful to work this a therapist so I could dive into those in a safe way and process them - do you have a T of your own?

I did use breaking up with him to manipulate him. This was after hours of hours of being HARASSED about my imagined infidelities. Hours. And hours.

I thought maybe it would make him see the light and he would stop misbehaving(I made the mistake of calling it that to his face... . what is one to thing when their partner flips out over absolutely nothing? That they are making problems for the sake of making problems.

So, forgive yourself - you did the best you could with what you knew.  The bigger picture item to look at is perhaps why when a person didn't meet your needs or broke your boundaries, why did you think you were not valuable enough to walk away from such poor treatment?  This is a great therapy question too.

I wasn't serious about breaking up in hindsight. There was just no rationalizing with him. It was the only thing I could do to make space.

We don't get a "do-over" often.  And the thing is, pwBPD they have a tendency to set us up to abandon them (real or perceived remember).  I played the, "if this doesn't change, I want a divorce card too" - in the moment, it seems like our last straw of letting them know our seriousness.  In reality of BPD, we totally pushed an already vulnerable abandonment button.  Forgive yourself, we did the best we could.

NC is a tool. I know. And it is for the best. I am almost thankful that he is the stronger one and can maintain it. I am not so strong.

NC is not about strength, it is about discipline.

It is no different than losing weight or training for a marathon.  You will be tired, you won't feel like it all the time - but you find strength in other areas to maintain your own discipline.  If you want to be inspired - be your own inspiration.  It is how we rebuild our self worth.

Nobody says you have to go NC by the way.  It is a tool to detach so you can emotionally balance - if that tool doesn't work for you right now - find another one that does so you don't attach so much shame to yourself.  Eventually, most of us find that we need NC or we simply don't let go totally and process totally and it is not healthy for us or them.

I accept my part in this in that my underlying hope was that I could heal him. Take him under my wing and mother him. Connect with his darkness and heal together. I feel so wrong and stupid now.

So, you were kind - how is that stupid?  It might be a bit of magical thinking, but heck, we watch Disney long enough we think that is real... . and sometimes, it is.

BPD is not Disney - now that you know that, how can you forgive yourself and find value in you?

[shaggysoul]

Thank you seeking balance,

I am seeing a therapist. She is wonderful. But she does not really stand for me processing the relationship with her. She wants me to only focus on my part of it. Problem is that I am still ruminating and I want to discuss different aspects of how the relationship made me feel. I think she doesn't want to get me caught up in victimizing myself. Which I understand.

Thank you for your kindness. I did do the best I could. I tried very hard to rationalize with him and stand up for myself in the beginning. I have had no interactions with a male BPD before and could not peg it at first. I wish I could go back now and be more validating ect... . but would it have really changed anything? Do I really wish I could have saved this relationship?

I see now that breaking up with him or threatening to do so when he crossed the line was likely what caused him to split me. It was the worse thing I could do. But again, it seemed like I was standing up for myself and not allowing him to make horrible accusations about me.

He has started the NC, not me. And he uses that language which makes me think that people have done this to him before. It is for the best and I respect it. I have taken it one step further and blocked him on all social networking sites because it is simply too difficult for me to see him interacting with women and continuing his life without me.

I can't thank you enough for putting time into your response. This site has helped my heart immensely and I just started posting yesterday!