Newbie in dire need of advice, are these signs of BPD?

[Iamdizzy]

Hey y'all, I'm a newbie on here and I just left my ex of two years a few weeks ago. It was a whirlwind of emotions (hence my name). Although no one on here can definitively say that she is 100% BPD, I'd like to gain some valuable information from you all.  Do you all think she is borderline? Your personal opinions.

I'm in the fog right now and I'm trying to push through!

1. Fed me a stories about sexual abuse at the hands of boyfriends, father is an alcoholic, mother is the devil reincarnated. All within the first few dates, a month or so.

2. Overly jealous about any woman regarding Facebook. Heck she was even jealous when I showed my dog attention.

3. Had no boundaries, extremely verbose about her sex life with previous partners.

4. Loves me one day the next I ruin her life.


5. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, whenever things would go wrong at work, school, or household I became the proverbial emotional punching bag.

6. Snide remarks to passively hurt me.

7. Cried almost every week about her past, I was there for her in whatever way I could, it was never enough.

8. Made false claims to commit suicide and blamed me. This occurred when the relationship was turning sour.

9. Sent me a nasty email claiming how much better her life is, how it was all my fault but she still loves me and wishes the best for me. Never took the blame upon herself. I have my issues no doubt I need to work on!

Are these signs of BPD? Could the woman that I fell in love with just exist in my mind and this is true? Its a hard truth to swallow.

[fromheeltoheal]

Those traits could apply, my BPD ex exhibited most of the same ones.  I recommend you read all of the articles on this website and as many posts as you can; what that did for me, as I read my story coming from others over and over again, was it made me feel like I wasn't alone and I wasn't crazy, both of which helped a great deal.

And in the end it isn't about labels, it was about me and why I chose to ignore so many completely unacceptable actions and words, why I put up with so much sht and abuse, and why I stuck around even though I was miserable, and of course why was I susceptible in the first place?  Very valuable growth lessons from the whole thing, as painful as it was; those things seem to go hand in hand.

[ObiRedKenobi]

Sounds like it could be BPD or maybe not. Any way you look at it things don't sound like they were the makings for a healthy relationship. fromheeltoheal was right, read find out what you can. You can only deal with yourself. Find out why you tolerated what you did and go forward from there. Just my two cents.

[Iamdizzy]

Thanks alot. I'm reading as much as I can until my eyes hurt. I'm trying to exit the fog. Trying to make sense of this and why I stayed. I'm still doubting she has BPD and just being hard on myself. These "what if questions" are eating me up inside.

[ObiRedKenobi]

What works for me won't work for everyone but I've found that I'm better able to process things when I'm doing something. I used to run a lot of cross country before I got together with my ex. Lately I've started running again 3-4 miles a day. There is something about doing something while I'm working through problems that helps me process.

There is also the added bonus that by the time bed time rolls around I'm too dagum tired to beat myself up thinking about where everything went wrong and I sleep great.

[seeking balance]

Thanks alot. I'm reading as much as I can until my eyes hurt. I'm trying to exit the fog. Trying to make sense of this and why I stayed. I'm still doubting she has BPD and just being hard on myself. These "what if questions" are eating me up inside.

Give yourself some time - the FOG has layers to it... .

I remember, really, really wanting a diagnosis - BPD - what I have learned is that it actually is less important and that poor coping skills in life are found in a lot of people and a lot of situations can trigger them.

So, the REAL fact is - this relationship was super unhealthy for you and there are some patterns that may fall in line with BPD. 

Tell me more about you being "hard on yourself" - how does BPD or not effect this?

[Iamdizzy]

Seeking balance - I'm hard on myself in the sense that she has always blamed me so I feel inadequate. What I've done is not enough, the next guy will do alot better and she will be happily ever after meanwhile I'm here having ruminating almost every second. I know these issues arise from my own issues. I just can't stomach the fact that she's going to be better with the next guy and I'm just a forgotten used toy. It's an unbearable thought at this stage.


Obiredkenobi- I used to swim regularly, butterfly, freestyle, backstroke I used to feel so free. I haven't gone to the pool in a few months. I hope that hasn't changed, I hope I can feel free that way, lord knows I need it.

[ObiRedKenobi]

One thing your going to learn and I haven't been able to deal with it well myself but the fact is that things always look different from the outside looking in. I've talked with several people that thought we were just the perfect couple and that we didn't have a care in the world. They envied the relationship they thought we had.

When I heard that I almost hit the floor they had no idea how abusive and toxic the relationship really was. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that its not a fact that she will be better with the next guy. My ex has a history of six month relationships. I think I just put up with her longer than anyone else would. I expect her to continue the rest of her life in that cycle because she's not getting the help she needs. Its very sad because I really do care about her but there is nothing I can do about it.

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance - I'm hard on myself in the sense that she has always blamed me so I feel inadequate. What I've done is not enough, the next guy will do alot better and she will be happily ever after meanwhile I'm here having ruminating almost every second. I know these issues arise from my own issues. I just can't stomach the fact that she's going to be better with the next guy and I'm just a forgotten used toy. It's an unbearable thought at this stage.

I know this feels overwhelming to you right now - and having someone move on so quickly shakes us to our core.  Do you have a T of your own to help process your emotions as you go through this very real trauma?

[Sin_M]

One thing your going to learn and I haven't been able to deal with it well myself but the fact is that things always look different from the outside looking in. I've talked with several people that thought we were just the perfect couple and that we didn't have a care in the world. They envied the relationship they thought we had.

When I heard that I almost hit the floor they had no idea how abusive and toxic the relationship really was. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that its not a fact that she will be better with the next guy. My ex has a history of six month relationships. I think I just put up with her longer than anyone else would. I expect her to continue the rest of her life in that cycle because she's not getting the help she needs. Its very sad because I really do care about her but there is nothing I can do about it.

You're right about this, you know. Talking with mine's family members and exes has showed me that he has had basically the same relationship over and over and over his whole life.

[Iamdizzy]

Obiredkenobi, that's exactly what happened to me! Dear lord, my non-immediate family and friends thought we were the perfect couple, perhaps on the exterior we complemented each other but no one really knew about this. I opened up to my close family and friends and they were shocked. Besides my brother and father who knew she wasn't stable. She made us out to be this.

Sin_M- she had a few proxies who have "split me black" as well because of her. Claiming that she truly loves me and that I need to be patient and understanding and that I acted to rash.

Seekingbalance, no I do not have a Therapist. I've been confiding with my closest family members and friends. They are extremely helpful, my support group and it feels awesome :D but  There are just a few who just do not understand.  They give me the trite "in time" "don't worry" "her loss" I know they mean well but I would feel alot better if she is BPD. As horrible as it is, I rather have that as  an explanation for her behavior. I can't fathom to think that she *might* not be BPD and be better with the next guy while I've gone through hell because of her, that I did not mean anything special to her like how she meant to me.

[seeking balance]

Seekingbalance, no I do not have a Therapist. I've been confiding with my closest family members and friends.

Friends and family are great and helpful.

Not everyone needs a therapist, but don't sell the trauma of a BPD relationship short - professional help at looking at our issues that are rawly exposed can be one of the silver linings to these relationships.

but I would feel alot better if she is BPD. As horrible as it is, I rather have that as  an explanation for her behavior. I can't fathom to think that she *might* not be BPD and be better with the next guy while I've gone through hell because of her, that I did not mean anything special to her like how she meant to me.

Why do you need a label to feel better?

If she treated you poorly, it is ok that you ended the relationship - don't you think?

[Iamdizzy]

Seeking balance, it actually scares me to my core that I might have trauma from this and I need to see a therapist. My friends and family are helpful.

I guess mentally having a label makes the behavior less personal. There is an explanation. The relationship was horrible. It was great but when it was great for too long she would conjure chaos from thin air and it would just be hell. I also speculate since I am fresh out of the relationship, knowing she has BPD it's reassuring that she won't be happy with the next guy. It sounds awful it truly does. I wish she was happy but with ME! It's Just not fair SB, I'm beyond heartbroken by her actions and by how she was able to move on so quickly.