I broke NC by accident :(

[delusionalxox]

I've tried to be NC with my ex (who had ALREADY gone NC on me due to me being the 'psycho' and abandoned me while pregnant in the process) since 2 July when I sent my last bitter, miserable, confused, raging message to him (following a bunch of apologies and admissions which he ignored)-  I really felt like the crazy one, maybe I am, it's so hard to tell sometimes.

Anyway 2 days ago I received a linked in invitation from a friend and collaborator of his. My heart lept out of my chest, adrenaline surged. It was as if HE had contacted me. I spilled out a message immediately before I knew what I was doing, saying he probably already knew ex and I had split up, and if he saw ex to please pass on my sincere apologies for the nasty way it had ended, and to tell him I won't try to contact him again for a very long time as I know he wants to be alone (!)

Turned out this guy just wanted a connection in UK as he's planning a tour here, and had not been in touch with my ex for months. Didn't know we had split. Was obviously somewhat overwhelmed and shocked to receive my surprise emotional barrage.

I felt so ashamed. And then realised I had also broken NC because the guy asked for ex's skype and email and said he would get in touch. Bah.

I feel so empty... . I will never, ever hear from or see ex again. he is in another country. He can bring me only pain. I cannot believe he is really gone. Life seems surreal, a slowed down movie by David Lynch :D

[causticdork]

Well let's hope that you can find your way out of the Lynch universe and into something a bit less dark and confusing. 

Don't beat yourself up.  Just prepare yourself so that it's easier next time.  If you get a message from your ex (or someone who knows your ex), be ready to talk yourself down before you fire off a response.  Maybe come back to the boards and read through your earlier posts.  I had a PM convo with another board member when I was new here where we unloaded all the sordid details of our twisted former relationships, and when I would start to feel like maybe I wanted to give my ex another try, I would go back and read the things I wrote.  It's easy to forget about how miserable they made you when you still love them.  Those messages took me right back to just how much it sucked being in a relationship with that woman, and they were all I needed to back away from the phone and not send some gushy text about how maybe we could work things out after all.

[seeking balance]

First, not the end of the world - NC is a tool to detach and learn about yourself, you have learned something valuable about yourself, right?

Do you remember exactly what you felt like when you received the email before you were triggered to react?

[delusionalxox]

When I saw the email I felt this surge of adrenaline. Excitement and fear, just like the bad old days of the relationship

i had all sorts of weird thoughts. Most of ex's friends did not like me, this was the only guy who had, and I wondered if he had contacted me to find out my side of the story (a side I am desperate in a way to tell, as I know how utterly black I have been painted as a psycho... . )

It made me realise how desperately I want the closure with ex that I will NEVER have. I have said too much to him (much of which was true, , but unrecognisable to a person who will take no responsibility), he will never forgive or reconnect with me. To him I am insane and dangerous.

I think that is why I sent the indirect apology... . even though I will never receive a 'sorry' from ex for all the awful things he did to me and for leaving me pregnant without a word other than a whine of self pity... . I didn't want it to end in this ugly, horrible way, with me feeling like the utter psycho he painted me as.

David Lynch universe is definitely in full swing right now, eating and sleeping are hard and I definitely feel crazy :D

[stop2think]

I cannot believe he is really gone. Life seems surreal.

You worded my feeling since morning. Although it's me standing in my path to completely LET GO, he still lingers on in my thoughts and memories every day. The movie keeps playing on.

He has long gone and moved on, while i am still grieving. Have been listening to Fiona Apple all day.

"What wasted unconditional love

          On somebody

Who doesn't believe in the stuff"

Oh well!

Give your heart a break Delusionalxox. Be a little more kind to yourself.

to you. Be stronger!

[seeking balance]

When I saw the email I felt this surge of adrenaline. Excitement and fear, just like the bad old days of the relationship

So next time you feel this - how can you react differently?

[delusionalxox]

I'm trying stop2think. I'm trying.

Keep telling myself that someone who leeched off me financially for 3 years, cheated on me while accusing me of cheating constantly, cyberstalked me aggressively, shouted abuse in my face more times than I can mention, refused to leave my home afterwards, pushed and shoved me, abused me for being 'crazy' (diagnosed with depression), told me I was 'getting old', criticised my parenting, and finally dumped me pregnant and refused to even acknowledge that I was indeed pregnant, is not someone whose opinion I should care about.


but he just dropped me like a stone, leaving me with ALL the blame and a lofty declaration that he wished me to find serenity and stop hating... . he has suffered soo much at my hands and while I was bleeding on my sofa he told me how much I had damaged him... .

i feel JEALOUS of the people on here whose exes stay in touch and try to recycle them. How sick is that.

I will never, ever hear from him or see him again. It just seems impossible. This maddening, intoxicating person who I made the centre of my life for 3 years. just GONE.  :'(

[delusionalxox]

Seekingbalance I am hoping that as time goes on and the memories fade the adrenaline surge will also fade.

So when i feel it I will take a deep breath, and live with it rather than splurging down my thoughts immediately.

I don't think I will ever hear directly from ex again... . I have 'damaged him too much', as he said. He genuinely thinks I am a 'psycho' who must be cut out of his life.

And he is right, the relationship was indeed driving me insane  :'(

I hate that he has been the one to do the right thing at last, and cut me off. It hurts so much and I feel just like the sick psycho he painted me as.

[HostNoMore]

delusionalxox,

Obtaining NC is a process.  It's OK to fail as I remember failing.  You just have to keep trying as NC is VERY crucial to healing.

i feel JEALOUS of the people on here whose exes stay in touch and try to recycle them. How sick is that.

That is not sick.  It is a normal part of the healing process.  We get addicted to our BPDs, and it takes time and effort to recover.  I am very sorry to hear that you were dumped while pregnant and that is a major aggravating factor in your case.  It also shows that your ex is a complete creep.  

FYI: Whenever my ex tried to re-engage me, it made me feel like a bucket of raw sewage had been dumped all over me.

Please take really good care of yourself as your child is going to need you to be extra strong during this trauma that you are experiencing.  

[seeking balance]

Seekingbalance I am hoping that as time goes on and the memories fade the adrenaline surge will also fade.

So when i feel it I will take a deep breath, and live with it rather than splurging down my thoughts immediately.

this is a good plan - also a good plan is to reach out here or other trusted friends to process your emotions... . each one of us have reacted and had to learn our triggers, and relearn them - so we can do things differently.

We are damaged and how we heal is by looking at our emotions mindfully and our reactions accordingly.  Emotions are hard stuff - especially if our childhoods were in any way invalidating... . I mean I was raised in the children are seen not heard mentality so when I started letting myself feel all this stuff, I wasn't quite sure what to do, how to sit in them and not react.

You are doing great - this is all a process.

I don't think I will ever hear directly from ex again... . I have 'damaged him too much', as he said. He genuinely thinks I am a 'psycho' who must be cut out of his life.

And he is right, the relationship was indeed driving me insane  :'(

I hate that he has been the one to do the right thing at last, and cut me off. It hurts so much and I feel just like the sick psycho he painted me as.

It hurts when we love someone and they don't want us.

It is devastating to love someone so much we lose ourselves.

You will be ok - you really will.  Keep focused on you and be good to you!

[delusionalxox]

seekingbalance I did not continue the pregnancy  I could not cope, with 2 children I have already, and a father who would only either have ignored the child or brought it pain and confusion later.

I realise others on the board may have different views to me but I am pro choice and I think I made the right choice.

he ignored both the pregnancy and the abortion. i rang him a few times the day of the abortion- desperate to get comfort from the person who had hurt me I guess - and was ignored except for a message telling me to leave him alone as I had already damaged him too deeply and 'his nights and days were filled with the terrible things I had said and done to him' (still makes me almost laugh, so histrionic  )

i will not hear from him again. He sees himself as 'in danger' from me and must paint me black entirely.

But these boards have been great for stopping me perseverating over the few traces of him I could find online etc. And I have not called him again, which I am proud of. I don't want to see him again. He is toxic and deeply selfish and unempathic. Yet I cannot believe he is gone. And I cannot yet start to live life properly without him (and all his crappy drama and demands!) in it. I know it will come.

[twester65]

I butt-dialed my ex once. Started off a flurry of attempts at conversation on his part. A few one word answers and then BAM! I slammed the door shut. Close call. 

[delusionalxox]

'butt-dialed' you mean you hit the number with your butt twester? :D

[twester65]

I was messing around with my contact list. He was one of several misdials. I didn't literally use my butt, but it was an accident.