confused

[bookworm21]

my boyfriend has borderline personality disorder (BPD), I am totally new to the world of mental illnesses and have no idea how to deal with the issues surrounding them. I am only 21 and have my whole life ahead of me. I have been with my 22 year old boyfriend for 2 years now but in my opinion his BPD puts a strain on our relationship  in all fairness it could well be because I don't understand alot about BPD. I would like some advice/support or just some answers that would help me strengthen my relationship.

9/10 of the time the relationship is great but when his BPD kicks in I can onnly describe him as a completely horrible person  I don't want to hate him but it's so hard when he starts screaming at me sometimes for no reason :'( it's really hard to know what to say or do sometimes.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elessar]

just to clarify, is he diagnosed or undiagnosed?

you can read this amazing book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It tells very clearly how to deal with BPDs in our lives. But personally speaking, it isn't always easy. Actually, it is not at all easy. Lol... .

There is a second book called "I hate you, don't leave me". Both these books will give you an idea about BPD and how to deal with it.

[Rockylove]

   I'm glad you found this site and I hope you will be glad you did as well.  There are so many folks with tons of sage advise and wisdom.  You'll find that the BPD family will share stories that may be a bit frightening (I sure did) and then there will be the wonderful success stories that you can read to give you hope.  No matter what... . you are in charge of you.  You can't control anyone else.  You can only let the "nasties" hurt you if you take it, but you have a choice... . you can walk away when he's out of sorts.  Take care of you and learn what you can do to make life a bit less stressful.  Good luck and keep posting... . it helps!

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Bookworm! 

You've found a great place for learning! I only realized (with the help of my T (therapist) within the past 2 years of a 37 year marriage that my H (husband) has BPD traits, undiagnosed at this point. Boy howdy, did that make some good sense to me

I came to this site at the end of June out of a need to find others who could understand what I was going through and get more information for the day to day part of dealing. I've begun to understand so much more, i'd read the "stop walking on eggshells" book which gave me a lot of great information, but sometimes you just need help with the daily part of how a pwBPD thinks, yunno?

That's the kind of help I've gotten, and I'm on here today because I want to write a little "happy dance" post because I've seen some good changes in our communication based on the knowledge I've gained here and the advice I've asked on this board. I'm changing me for the better, and that can only help the situation or at least give me some great skills for dealing with pretty much anybody in my life.

All that to say,    This is a great place to find a bit of peace and encouragement for the road trip we're on with our relationships with someone with BPD. i'm glad you're here!

[bookworm21]

thanks for the replies everyone  it's already making me feel slightly better knowing that there are other people out there who understand how I feel he hasn't been diagnosed yet but after researching BPD amoongst other illnesses and seeing what signs show that a personn has BPD, I started to relalise that he shows aspects of all of the signs  it helped me to know that it wasn't always my fault and I am not always the cause of his mood swings but i'm still not sure how to deal with the various problems.

dreamflyer- I totally understand what you mean I have been with my boyfriend for two years he shows traits of having BPD but currently has a very poor opinion of the nhs and any professionals linked to the nhs so I have no idea how to convinve him to get a proper diagnosis  yea part of the reason I joined this site was to get some help and support on the short term problems, when he could be having a 'bad day' and I just need someone to talk to

does anyone who has suggested the books 'stop walking on eggshells' and 'i hate you, don't leave' know if I would be able to download them onto my kindle ( free is better)

[DreamFlyer99]

i looked up the books as kindle versions, and they appear to be 10 dollars US (me) and 10 pounds UK (you refer to the NHS, so i'm assuming you're in Great Britain?) Not free unfortunately.

So it sounds like you are intending to stay in the relationship and see what you can do to make things better? If so, a great approach is to learn the tools for communication and such. I know what I did to get started was to read through the LESSONS

(they show on the right side of my page under the phrase Before you can make anything better you must stop making it worse.) That gave me a sense of what I was dealing with--the first thing I had to realize was that what was "normal" for me was not HIS same "normal." My H comes from a very hurt place, and I think that's pretty common for the pwBPD. I know that for him, he had a physically/verbally abusive mother and a fairly absent father, and the pain is evident in his outbursts once I step back from the situation.

I know there are different theories about the origin of BPD (person from abusive background/ genetics/etc) and with my H it's very clear where his originated. That's where their very young emotional makeup comes from. It helped me understand what is common for a pwBPD   by reading

Lesson 1 "Understanding your partner's behaviors" . I didn't realize how my reactions could make things worse, but danged if they don't! That's where

Lesson 2 "Understanding your role in the relationship" comes in.

And in Lesson 3, "Tools: Communication" where i'm spending a lot of time off and on, we're given tools that help us with the goal of helping the situation rather than hindering.

Unfortunately, someone who has a really hard time being wrong isn't likely to hear they should get therapy (personal experience!) And we can only change OUR end of the relationship, honestly, since we can only change ourselves.

I'm starting to see some changes in our communication as I've truly started understanding how to not just defend myself (I hate when someone is saying i'm a way that I know I am not!) and how to make him feel heard without just feeling slaughtered myself. So many good skills to be learned on this site!

Dig around and enjoy the process, it's pretty interesting. And if nothing else, we learn skills that will help us deal with all kinds of people in our lives! 

Hope i'm not just repeating stuff you've already read, that was just such a good learning place so I could wrap my head around what i'm dealing with.

DF99

[bookworm21]

hi dreamflyer, thanks for replying, I will certainly be having a look at those links as for the books someone else off here emailed them to me so i'm already sorted there but thanks for finding out for me.

I do intend to stay for definate, i've been through thick and thin with my boyfriend and don't intend to give up on him so easily especcially after everything we have been through togetherr. I also didn't realise that my reaction could and maybe does make his reaction worse, so maybe I need to change certain aspects of my own attitude in order to support him.

thanks so much, the info has been a great help :D so happy I found this site , it's helping already

[DreamFlyer99]

YAY Bookworm!

You're a bit quicker on the uptake--I only knew the way I WAS responding was not working. But till I read up on this site I hadn't a clue how to do it in a more profitable way. In fact I posted a post (? true but sounds lame! ) on a success I had with my H. Happy dance Happy dance! I was amazed.

Sorry I didn't know how to post the links, I need to figure that out... .