Others like me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

Leaving him, better late than never

 

Hello again

So nice to be able to share my feelings as they come along, thank you... .

I have so many emotions going through me and questions.

After reading many articles and discovering this disorder (thought he was bi-polar) I have a better grasp on things.

We met for coffee.  Two hours later... .

That's it.  I knew I found my special someone.  We clicked.  Instant chemistry.  Very funny.  Easy to talk with.  We liked many of the same hobbies.

We had dinner later that evening and again hours later... .

We chatted on and off for days.  Had lunch a couple of times and dinners as well.

Great beginnings.  We went on walks, laughed so hard at so many things.  It was crazy bliss.  It was really natural.  No akwardness at all.  It was like I had met a long lost friend and we picked up right were we left off.

It all started with lies that I found out about later.

He had a tale of woe that was woven like a thick rug.

I found out after dating him he was is debt, had little money and had the nerve to say "do you still want to date me?", had a son from a previous relationship that placed a restraining order on him. He cheated on his first wife, was abusive to his second wife (she later cheated on him and placed a restraining order on him) and on and on and on. But none of the above was his fault. "Everybody takes advantage of me because I'm such a nice guy."

It was like grenades were being thrown at me every month or so.  I labeled them the "oh I didn't tell you about that?" grenades.

He could never get enough sex.  He could have sex with me 5-6 times a day and it wasn't enough.  We would go on a walk and he'd want to have sex.  His need never stopped.  I would talk to him about this or say I was tired, then it was withdrawl on his part.  Cold shoulder, you don't love me like I love you, you must being seeing someone else.  I could never give enough.

He would buy me gifts, "because when I'm out shopping I always see things that are you!"

An episode (as I call them) would occur and he would take all his gifts back.  He ripped a necklace off me one time.  Throws everthing in a bag and leaves.  Then the calls and texts start, ripping me apart.

An hour, day or maybe a week would go by and the "I'm so sorry, I'm an ass, I didn't mean anything" saga would start and then "these are your gifts and I had no right to do this to you."

He once threw all my things over the balcony.  He kicked my car.

But such a master manipulator, he would win me back with "I've been so stressed out, I didn't mean this, you deserve someone better."

I learned about projecting and he is a pro.  Always accusing me of having ex-boyfriends in my phone, seeing someone, getting ready to leave him.  Found out that this was actually what he was doing.

He'd break up with me, tell me he was going back to his old girlfriend or going to see someone "new" that has been after him.  He even made up strories of seeing someone and bad mouthing me to her.  Only to tell me later that it was a lie and he just wanted to hurt me.

He did that a lot.  Hurt me to make himself feel better ( he actually told me that).

My family hates him and so do my friends.  How they tried to get me away from him.

But sadly, I was so in love with the lucid side of his personality, that special someone I've always wanted, I couldn't seperate myself.

As I write this, I can see what my family was trying to tell me and how I did this for three years on and off, restraining orders, blocked emails and phone number, it blows my mind.

Before I met him I had it together.  I was healthy mentally and physically... Loved life and smiled at complete strangers and say "hello" to them.

After meeting him I could see the color start to drain out of my world.

Afraid to say "hi" because I would be accused of flirting, hitting on them.  If they were a girl I was a lesbian (heard that more than once)

I have talked with him at length about all the above.  At first it's total remorse and sadness.  Then later when we would "try" again, it became "I didn't do a damn thing to you."

I'm doing my best to stay away from him.

Please help me stay on that path with advise, suggestions, articles, books - anything.

I'm so happy that I'm not the only one dealing with this situation, because I thought I was and was slowly losing my mind.

Thank you for anything and everthing 

[Onmyown]

 

Leaving him, better late than never

 

Hello again

So nice to be able to share my feelings as they come along, thank you... .

I have so many emotions going through me and questions.

After reading many articles and discovering this disorder (thought he was bi-polar) I have a better grasp on things.

We met for coffee.  Two hours later... .

That's it.  I knew I found my special someone.  We clicked.  Instant chemistry.  Very funny.  Easy to talk with.  We liked many of the same hobbies.

We had dinner later that evening and again hours later... .

We chatted on and off for days.  Had lunch a couple of times and dinners as well.

Great beginnings.  We went on walks, laughed so hard at so many things.  It was crazy bliss.  It was really natural.  No akwardness at all.  It was like I had met a long lost friend and we picked up right were we left off.

It all started with lies that I found out about later.

He had a tale of woe that was woven like a thick rug.

I found out after dating him he was is debt, had little money and had the nerve to say "do you still want to date me?", had a son from a previous relationship that placed a restraining order on him. He cheated on his first wife, was abusive to his second wife (she later cheated on him and placed a restraining order on him) and on and on and on. But none of the above was his fault. "Everybody takes advantage of me because I'm such a nice guy."

It was like grenades were being thrown at me every month or so.  I labeled them the "oh I didn't tell you about that?" grenades.

He could never get enough sex.  He could have sex with me 5-6 times a day and it wasn't enough.  We would go on a walk and he'd want to have sex.  His need never stopped.  I would talk to him about this or say I was tired, then it was withdrawl on his part.  Cold shoulder, you don't love me like I love you, you must being seeing someone else.  I could never give enough.

He would buy me gifts, "because when I'm out shopping I always see things that are you!"

An episode (as I call them) would occur and he would take all his gifts back.  He ripped a necklace off me one time.  Throws everthing in a bag and leaves.  Then the calls and texts start, ripping me apart.

An hour, day or maybe a week would go by and the "I'm so sorry, I'm an ass, I didn't mean anything" saga would start and then "these are your gifts and I had no right to do this to you."

He once threw all my things over the balcony.  He kicked my car.

But such a master manipulator, he would win me back with "I've been so stressed out, I didn't mean this, you deserve someone better."

I learned about projecting and he is a pro.  Always accusing me of having ex-boyfriends in my phone, seeing someone, getting ready to leave him.  Found out that this was actually what he was doing.

He'd break up with me, tell me he was going back to his old girlfriend or going to see someone "new" that has been after him.  He even made up strories of seeing someone and bad mouthing me to her.  Only to tell me later that it was a lie and he just wanted to hurt me.

He did that a lot.  Hurt me to make himself feel better ( he actually told me that).

My family hates him and so do my friends.  How they tried to get me away from him.

But sadly, I was so in love with the lucid side of his personality, that special someone I've always wanted, I couldn't seperate myself.

As I write this, I can see what my family was trying to tell me and how I did this for three years on and off, restraining orders, blocked emails and phone number, it blows my mind.

Before I met him I had it together.  I was healthy mentally and physically... Loved life and smiled at complete strangers and say "hello" to them.

After meeting him I could see the color start to drain out of my world.

Afraid to say "hi" because I would be accused of flirting, hitting on them.  If they were a girl I was a lesbian (heard that more than once)

I have talked with him at length about all the above.  At first it's total remorse and sadness.  Then later when we would "try" again, it became "I didn't do a damn thing to you."

I'm doing my best to stay away from him.

Please help me stay on that path with advise, suggestions, articles, books - anything.

I'm so happy that I'm not the only one dealing with this situation, because I thought I was and was slowly losing my mind.

Thank you for anything and everthing 

[mcc503764]

Hi Onmyown -

I like the choice in the name.  While we all have this personal experience, OUR course of action is still the same!

Full blown, 10% NC!  They don't exist anymore as they are essentially dead to YOU!

This is a process... . it takes time.  Don't try anything with another person, because you are a good person who doesn't want to inflict the same amount of pain that you've been through on someone else!

That's NOT fair to another person!  Be ALONE... . rediscover who YOU are.  Often times we have been so caught up in THAT r/s we lose sight of WHO WE ARE!

Mourn their loss... . that is what anybody would do.  Try and consciously change your thinking when you find yourself ruminating about "who they were," and what drew you to them in the first place!

FEEL the pain, but use the pain and the loss as a fuel to push YOU towards what YOU want to be in life!  This isn't about them any longer... . IT'S ABOUT YOU!

Don't concern yourself with what they may or may not be doing!  They are manipulative LIARS and CANNOT be trusted!

Your family and friends hate him, because they have the advantage of seeing things from the outside!  Remember, they have a different perspective... . one that you cannot possibly have when you are in it!  REMEMBER THAT!

My advise, is to find YOURSELF!  Do what makes YOU happy!  This is ALL about YOU now!

MCC

[Onmyown]

MCC   

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

It is good to see in writing what I know I need to do.

I'm working hard on exactly that, finding and loving myself again.  I seeing that happy go lucky person starting to shine through and it it feels really nice.

It's when I'm home alone that I become despondent.  That is why I'm glad I found this wedsite, it's giving me the tools to keep moving forward and understanding everything that I have gone through and what I'm learning about myself that I can make better to keep this from happening again.

You're right in saying that he needs to be dead in my eyes and to practice 100% NC.

I appreciate your taking the time to reach out to me!

onmyown

[causticdork]

I had a very similar experience.  Felt like old friends from the moment we meant, the lies started almost immediately, she threw the same temper tantrums, had the same sexual issues where we would have sex three times in a day, then I'd be tired when she wanted a fourth time and it was suddenly that I wasn't attracted to her and she was fat and ugly and she could tell I didn't want her the way she wanted me.  Nevermind that I was working full-time and had to be up in four hours, while she was unemployed and got to sleep until noon every day.   If I was tired it always had to mean that I wasn't into her and I wanted to sleep with other people. 

I left her back in March, after 14 months together.  I was a very happy and together person before the relationship, and I'm a very happy and together person again.  I've taken the past several months to reconnect with the things I loved that I never had time for with her (BPD partners are a full-time job), and now that I feel like myself again I'm slowly dipping my toe back into the dating pool.  I was a mess for a little while, and there are still days where something will happen that makes me miss her like crazy, but I can't imagine ever wanting to go back to the stress and chaos of our life together. 

You sound like you'll be fine.  It hurts like crazy for a while, but the one good thing about dating unhealthy people is that once you're outside the FOG it's really easy to see how much better your life is without them.  If you ever want to talk in detail feel free to PM me.  When I was going through the worst of things I got a PM from another board member and we spent days just comparing details.  It helped a ton.

[mcc503764]

there are still days where something will happen that makes me miss her like crazy, but I can't imagine ever wanting to go back to the stress and chaos of our life together. 

This is true as I just experienced this today actually myself.  I was posting my prof profile on Linkdin, and out of everyone possible that could have been "suggested" to invite to my network, who do you think popped up first?  Yep, you guessed it... . SATAN herself!

So that stirred up some emotions for a few hours.  I went to the gym and burned most of that off, but it is still lingering a bit... . So my friend sent me a text and asked me to the strip club later.  That may be a viable way for me to end this weird day! 

MCC