Three years later - an email

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone,

I was married to someone with BPD, unsurprisingly it ended acrimonously, cheating, lies, treating me like something she'd stepped in, I'm sure you all know the routine.

I've now not seen her for nearly three years, and then out of the blue, through facebook, I got a message - "I found some old photos of your mum while clearing up, can we meet so I can give them to you" with a phone number. What is that all about?

Her FB page has a picture of her with her new man (not the one she ditched me for).

Thing is, I've now moved on, I'm in a good relationship and have a son who is 13 months. The last thing I want to do is meet her. I'm also not sure how she would have photos of my mum, unless she stole them (she moved out and I never stayed at her new address).

I have told my current partner I don't want to respond, but she has said maybe I should to find out what she wants. But my ex knows my current address (she found this three years ago by hacking into my emails) and I don't want to trigger her to do anything crazy.


Has anyone else had contact after such a long time and is the best response always to do nothing?

[hendo123]

Hi everyone,

I was married to someone with BPD, unsurprisingly it ended acrimonously, cheating, lies, treating me like something she'd stepped in, I'm sure you all know the routine.

I've now not seen her for nearly three years, and then out of the blue, through facebook, I got a message - "I found some old photos of your mum while clearing up, can we meet so I can give them to you" with a phone number. What is that all about?

Her FB page has a picture of her with her new man (not the one she ditched me for).

Thing is, I've now moved on, I'm in a good relationship and have a son who is 13 months. The last thing I want to do is meet her. I'm also not sure how she would have photos of my mum, unless she stole them (she moved out and I never stayed at her new address).

I have told my current partner I don't want to respond, but she has said maybe I should to find out what she wants. But my ex knows my current address (she found this three years ago by hacking into my emails) and I don't want to trigger her to do anything crazy.


Has anyone else had contact after such a long time and is the best response always to do nothing?

[really]

I haven't but I know that the only choice for me would be not to respond.   I don't know how well you healed from it but for me it would reopen wounds that have taken a long time to start healing.

[Scout99]

I can't say I have had any experience with exactly what you are faced with right now... . But from an outside perspective I think you will be the most kind to yourself if you don't get yourself into that all familiar place where we try to figure out what the h*ll it is they mean or want or might be up to when a mail suddenly pops up out of nowhere all of a sudden after now in your case, years of silence... .

Standing outside I think your best bet would be to take a very pragmatic approach to this and simply focus on the factual part of her message... . i.e. the photographs of your mother.

And ask yourself, how important these photographs are to you? Would you like to get them or are you, (or can you be), indifferent to them?

If the answer is you would like to get them, for whatever reason, there are several ways you could go about that, without having to actually meet with her or even having to have very much contact with her about it... .

You could either offer to send her sufficient packaging supplies, and stamps so she could send them to you, or you could suggest she just leaves them to a mutual friend, (if you have one), and you can pick them up from that person at a time convenient for you. Just to name a few... .

I'd say go with your gut and simply ignore pondering about whatever a presumed ulterior motive or motives might be... . Because yes, she may have one. But do you really have to let yourself be bothered with that?

Best Wishes

scout99

[Validation78]

Hi Hendo!

I think you said it all:

The last thing I want to do is meet her.

Although I can relate to your curiosity, unless I didn't have any pictures of my mom, I wouldn't care if she did. I wouldn't respond, and leave well enough alone!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[hendo123]

Hi

Thanks everyone, good advice, these were my thoughts but I think I just wanted it confirmed by others!

[hendo123]

She followed up her first email with a second email, in a similar vein. I again ignored it. So last night, she turns up at my door, an address which I never gave her because I didn't want her to know where I lived, and gave me back "my belongings" which amounted to some photo's and paperwork from years ago that i no longer need. She moved into her new place in April 2010, surely she must have realised then she had some of my stuff? Why hold onto it? and why invade my privacy by turning up at my house? She also now knows I'm in a relationship and have a son, as she saw them. I'm genuinely hoping this is the end of it, as she surely can't have any reason to further contact me, but from listening to other people's stories on here, I'm not so sure.

[WalrusGumboot]

The problem with ignoring contact attempts is that it leads to more contact attempts. If you keep getting those messages, you might want to consider a short and firm message back. Something along the lines of you moved on and there is nothing left to talk about and that future contact attempts will be deleted without reading.

[Moonie75]

Are you ok after seeing her? You mentioned that you didn't want to see & a surprise visit like must've put you on the back foot a bit?

[Indigo Sky]

Hi Hendo,

She needs you to chase her so she can either triangulate (she is starting to have feelings for her current partner and needs to distract herself from that) or she needs you to chase her so she can drop you again.

No matter what it is she wants. It is ALL about her and her needs.

If you want to play her game, respond... . if you are in a happy place, run. Make sure you tell your current partner that she may and try and come between the two if you. Be prepared for anything.

You are in denial if you think this is the end. She wants to play. She needs the attention.

[hendo123]

Hi

I'm fine now, but was totally shocked when she appeared - what I now know is that after reading her FB message, she would have been able to see that I'd read it, but obviously didn't respond. That must have been a red rag to her.

I've not heard anything since, no emails or visits - it would have been clear to her from the visit that I'm now in a new relationship as I'm sure she would have heard voices and also heard my baby. I'm hoping against hope that this is the end, that she realises I've moved on and there's no mileage in future contact, but I know thats maybe a bit optimistic.