triggers.

[mitchell16]

Ive often heard this from person who are addicted to diffrent substances, smokers, drugs, alcohol. But I never thought about is associated with a person before. from past relationships ive went to places I had good memeories from and i will think back to that time and have a smile or thinking about the good times but nothing like this. the other night I was on my way home and I missed my turn and pulled into a parking lot to turn around. At that moment I was hit with a flood of emotions. This was the first place we had started talking with each other. We would meet there after work and just talk for about an hour or so. It was such a wonderful time, full of excitment and happiness. and now when I pulled through through it hit my like a ton of bricks. I havent thought about that time in a long time. but I was floored. I guess this is pretty common but wow it was an eye opener. I have been sad and down since then. up to that  point I was doing pretty well.

[aurora.dragon]

Hi

Well... . I think perhaps the residual emotions after a BPD relationship is like a rollercoaster.

You have good days and bad days... . and sometimes the good days last for awhile and then... . boom... . you plummet into despair and missing them.  It is my hope one day the ride will stop and it will.  There are other things that are calmer and more fulfilling in life than rollercoasters... . true they are exciting, fun, adventuresome but if you stay on too long - you get sick... . when you get off it takes awhile to get your land legs again.

Keep busy, meet people, have fun, sit with your feelings and don't push them away.

If they  the feelings get too much, please get help.

These people are addictive... . and I am not addicted to anything but I was sure hooked on him!

Good luck

[Octoberfest]

I hear you!

Just a few days ago I was sitting with my family playing pinochle, which I both enjoy as a game and it is also one of the only thing that brings us all together.  About three hands in the thought struck me that the last time I had played was several months earlier when I had brought my BPDex home one weekend and had taught her to play with my family.  I am 20 and my BPDex is 22... . She is the first girl I have ever dated or introduced to my family.  I was super proud to do so. I could see her face clearly in my mind and I remembered the look of concentration she had on her face.  My mom was seated behind her helping her learn the game and point out which card to play and why.  It was a moment that had a lot of integration in it I guess... . like my BPDex was joining my family kind of.  She really enjoyed playing with my family and kept the cheat sheet that I had made her to help her out and talked about playing again often... .

It was eerie. I immediately got up and excused myself. Later that night my mom came down and talked to me and I explained what had happened.  She told me, "You brought a lot of stability to <BPDex>'s life that she does not normally have.  You showed her a lot of kindness and calm... . you at least showed her that there is another way besides what she has known her entire life."

That really struck me... . it was validation that I had done something REALLY good for someone. It brought me some peace knowing that I treated a person that has seen nothing but turmoil and chaos her entire life very decently.


It is very hard... . we can be out living life and see something completely random that triggers us and ushers up all kinds of memories and emotions... . they are like traps waiting for us to stumble into... . As we are triggered however we can find ways to work through what has happened to us so that we are not as upset the next time... .

It is a process.

[cska]

Mitchell, I'm so sorry these emotions come up. Ugh, its hard to regain balance when that happens. I've been there! There are some geographical locations that I avoid completely because they bring up so many emotions. When emotions come up I watch a lot of TV to get my mind off of things. In the past months I've watched a ridiculous amount of movies and TV shows, and it has helped me...

Octoberfest, your story broke my heart man. My ex was also my first girl and the first girl I brought to my family. We had thanksgiving dinner. The most magical dinner. During dinner, my little sister asked us if we wanted to get married, and we said yes. Dodged a bullet on that one... Your ex missed out so bad. One day you will find a girl who will cherish and treasure you and your family. It sounds like you have a wonderful family  

[danley]

  She told me, "You brought a lot of stability to <BPDex>'s life that she does not normally have.  You showed her a lot of kindness and calm... . you at least showed her that there is another way besides what she has known her entire life."

That really struck me... . it was validation that I had done something REALLY good for someone. It brought me some peace knowing that I treated a person that has seen nothing but turmoil and chaos her entire life very decently.

Your comment really struck a chord in me Octoberfest. I had a similar conversation with my mother today while we had dinner at a restaurant. Her words to me were somewhat close to what your mother told you. She said that "even tho "EX" has treated you unfairly, you still have and are treating him with decency and care". She said, "even tho you yourself are going thru your own trials, you still have empathy for "EX" and his trials even tho he cannot do the same for you right now. Even tho it may be hard to see, you have left a mark in his soul and when he is healed he will always remember the kindness you showed and taught him in his darkest times". She said that I was and am a shining example of truth and love and that she was humbled by me.

Then again she is probably biased because I'm her daughter.

I too felt the same validation that I did something good for someone who is tormented with chaos. It was a bittersweet moment tho. Happy and sad tears rolled down my face at the same time. But I quickly wiped them all away and focused on more pressing matters... . WHAT SHOULD I ORDER FOR DESSERT?

[LoneWolf768]

Mitchell16 and Octoberfest, what a great topic to write about. People never seem to have a plan of action for triggers because we never know when they'll present themselves. It could be a place you both used to frequent, songs, perfume/cologne, maybe someone in a crowd who looks like your ex, a movie or tv show, a seasonal time of year or maybe hearing a voice that sounds like your ex. I mentioned all of those things because they've all caused me triggers. The biggest trigger since my ex took off has been the radio. I swear, it seems like EVERY song I hear, especially country songs, reminds me of her (and country music absolute HAS to be the WORST kind of music to listen to when you're dealing with ANY kind of breakup!). I've NEVER had that happen before, but then again, I've never been broken up with by a BPD'er, either.

I wish I knew what to do to combat these triggers. I wish I had a suggestion. I guess they just have to eventually lose their potency by way of time...

[LoneWolf768]

And Octoberfest, I'm agreeing with cska. Your family sounds like a wonderful group of people who really make people feel welcome. That is a great sign that you have strong roots and yes, YOU WILL find a woman who will feel like she hit the lottery when she meets and you and you introduce her to our family. Never forget that!

[Octoberfest]

Thanks guys.  This is part of a letter she wrote me about 3 weeks before I found out she was cheating on me again and ended things for good... . it was right after one of our VERY frequent fights and breakups that always ended in us getting back together. The only things I have left of her are this letter and a birthday card she gave me... . No pictures, nothing else.  I have held onto both because she was incredibly lucid and aware when she wrote them... . I guess I see in them the person that I was in love with.

"I have found all sorts of excuses in many of life events to justify being this person, and all I have ever heard from family has fully set me up to fail. You and your family are wonderful people and all very encouraging. No matter what happens between us, I want you to know that you have made a permanent impact on my life. A massive one.  All five of you have showed me how good people can be. I will always appreciate your family for accepting me after all that we went through. They were always so kind and welcoming. Please do share with them how much that meant to me."

If that isn't enough to touch your soul... .

[cska]

OCTOBERFEST, HOW CAN YOU READ THESE KINDS OF LETTERS AND NOT FALL WEEPING TO THE FLOOR? Let me tell you, you are one strong guy. I have beautiful letters from my ex in a folder on a shelf, and I avoid that folder as if it were made of fire.

Speaking of triggers, looking at the above-mentioned letters would trigger me so hard I might as well throw in the towel. Even thinking about the contents of these letters is triggering enough to bring me to my knees in pain.

[Octoberfest]

I think they keep balanced in a way. Unlike many people here, it is not the good things in the relationship that I remember easily and vividly... . it is all of the bad ones.  I guess for me the letter and the card help remind me that there WAS something good inside her... . It helps me justify the love that I felt for her and gave to her.

I'm not really sure... . it is all still very heartbreaking.  I have been rehearsing what I will say to her if she shows up at any of the parties at my Fraternity house when the semester starts here in about 10 days.  I will ask her to leave and explain that, "I am sorry things happened the way they did between us.  But you made choices.  You chose to lie to me and cheat on me the entire 9 months we dated.  And because of those choices, you do not deserve my friendship, and you do not deserve the privilege to be at my house or around my friends".

It is heartbreaking that she was able to see and appreciate the world that my family lives in, that she was struck by how wonderful it is, that she had the opportunity to live that way, and that ultimately she is doing the same things she has her entire life, things that have led her to nothing but pain and shame and suffering. It kind of feels like watching a small child walk out into the street in front of a bus.  You are too far away to do anything, but still close enough to see exactly what is about to happen, and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

I still cannot conceive of being able to love another person... . I don't know how I will ever find another partner whom I can love like I loved her... . but I am told that I will, and in fairness to myself, I haven't exactly been looking.  I will be back at college in a week and awash in new opportunities and new people.  I don't know how it is all going to pan out.  I just must believe that it will.

[cska]

I still cannot conceive of being able to love another person... . I don't know how I will ever find another partner whom I can love like I loved her... .

Yea, same here. Me and her were planning a future together. We were talking about having a family, she would talk about what she would name our children. I'm scared I will never be able to have anything like that with anyone else. 

[whatathing]

Hi

All that´s been said resonates a lot with my situation with my exBPDgf. The triggers, it´s terrible, and the way that some days memories and longing are just more alive than others. She also loved my family and felt great at my parent´s house. My mother was very nurturing to her, while her mother, I think, is a narcissist cold mother.

My exBPDgf once gave me a picture of us in which she wrote, on the back, something like "I don´t know what the future holds for us, but I´m very glad that you are in y life". I had a very bad feeling when I read it back then, it sounded like she expected us to breakup. And I remember thinking, when I read it, that she never aloud me to be secure and relaxed in the R/S, she constantly gave me "hints" like that one, that were not clear enough, but that left me thinking, worrying.

I don´t know for sure, but I think they have a kind of "script" inside that predicts the whole evolution of the R/S, but that they subconsciously play along anyway, like if it was destiny.

And it´s strange, that our R/S seemed to not quite reach the point to be what it promised to be; I feel she never let it reach that point. I had some major moments with her that I felt "Yeah, this is really what I think it is", when I could "see" her, when she let herself trust, open up, and when I saw that our differences were just communication issues, fears and defenses. But she never let these moments go through, she´d always go back to her high walls, up to the point where she couldn´t be with me without feeling sick and throwing up, and to the point where she said she had to date another guy and kiss him so she could feel free from me.

I really have a hard time trying to understand how she could throw away all of this. I know she had some doubts that I wasn´t really the person of her life, although she cared for me a lot, and that the possibility of I not being the one made her fear that she got too involved with me and then having to leave me one day. But I also think that those doubts came from the fact that her emotional withdrawal in the R/S created some weird disconnection between us. When I track these moments down, to the "what was lacking specifically in that moment" introspection, I clearly am sure that what was lacking was her to be more affectionate, to let her be more involved, and to look towards me as a person, to be interested, to be reciprocate.

Anyway, she ended up where she seemed to want. Alone, and convincing herself that we were only two lovers that didn´t workout because it wasn´t meant to be.

And one of the worse things, is that I´m the only one, among her, my friends, my family, etc., that believes differently. Everybody tries to give me the speech "it wasn´t meant to be", but they don´t really understand that it´s more complex than that, and that the connection was deeper than that, and that´s something really twisted in this whole story, that leaves feeling lije I´ve been inside a laundring machine, played around by a clever and sadistic plot.

Thanks for your sharings, they always remind me that I´m not insane!

[mitchell16]

the triggers are very strong. Ive had them before with us, looking through pictures and stuff. But it was weired I just pulled through a parking lot and BAM. it was like out of now where. It made me want to reach out for her so bad. but I was able to resist but it was very strong urge.