rollercoaster24
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living apart six months
Posts: 362
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« on: September 04, 2013, 03:23:54 AM » |
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HI all
I am remembering a comment exuBP once said in the first year of our union. It went like this; "I reckon if you and I didn't work out, and I walked out on you, that I could walk back in to your life, six months or several years later, and you would take me back, because you know that I am that really good guy, one of the best you will ever meet or have met infact"
HUH! what a joke! I was so stupid to follow that dream, it was just pie in the sky.
I remember thinking at the time how cocky that seemed, but also struggling with confusion, in that he had spun such a web of lies around me, that I was thinking he was probably right, given the feelings I had for him.
But what he was counting on, was that I would keep falling for his illusionary/mirroring tactics. Then I likely had, this picture he kept painting of himself, how great he was deep down and so on. I fell for it, but kept being fobbed off by his promises to eventually seek help for his very great issues as well. See the split just in that?
He says he is a great guy, very good to me etc, honourable, honest, with integrity, then he admits on the other hand to being horrible to me, doesn't want to be the 'monster' in my life, and how I deserve better etc.
Oh, and made jokes often about being a 'conman' whenever he got money off me or I brought him stuff. He would always joke that he was going to get more off me later, if I tried offering him more!
How blind I must have been. And just think what the outcome would be, if during an angry moment, I called him a conman! He would have assaulted me!
Bizarre, totally.
I always said to him that we both had issues, but we needed to work on them individually and together to make it all work. I tried putting strategies in place to keep us together, and he just crapped all over my efforts, then punished me for not apparently making any.
I know spiritually today, that I was a good loving, consistently supportive partner, I never wanted to fight, I never wanted us to be horrible to each other, but I could not live under his constant provocations, cruel treatment, push-pull, abuse, without being affected myself.
And I don't know how many people here, had BP's in their lives who went off every week for several days at a time. That is the topic for my next post session.
I just knew in the end that he wasn't ever listening, and really didn't want to be with me at all. His actions kept telling me, but I was foolish enough to listen to his words, and focus too much on the few good actions.
This was how manipulative he really was. He would throw out a few scraps of love, goodness my way, and knew just how appreciative I would be of that, forgetting all about what he had just done to me prior whilst he was 'being nice'.
Problem was, he was only nice about 20% and nasty the other 80%!
When I think back to it, nothing he ever gave me, meant much effort on his part, or time. His support towards me for the past 16 months of living Long Distance, was about 10%, where as my effort continued to be 90% contribution to the continuing of our relationship. He liked to think and say that he was always totally committed to me, and his whole life revolved around me, but that was bollocks, his whole life always revolved around him and his ego.
What did he spend all his time doing whilst sponging off his parents?
Was he putting effort into finding work so him and I could go on holiday together? NO.
Was he putting effort into his own health and well being? NO, he merely continued to do nothing but complain of his victimhood.
Was he coming down to spend time in my city with me? NO, he hardly ever returned here, except for a short period staying here again, which he ruined by screaming verbal abuse at me in a nearby public place that we often frequented, and then walked off on me to the rubbish bin, expecting me to be sitting in my car waiting for him to get back in and continue his disgusting tantrum of rage/hate.
That night I was so angry that I had trusted him again, and let him back into my home, that I drove off, eventually after being chased all around the city in my car by him, I ended up at the end of my street, (which he was coming out of again) and I threw his latest Valentines Day card at him, and my packet of antidepressants I had decided not to take, and told him to start taking them, after all, he was the bloody one who needed them, not me. I was not going to let him come back to stay at my house, after the violent disgusting things he had said about my daughter and son in law again.
I had totally got sucked into believing that he knew he was wrong, and that he would get help eventually. But it was all a lie!
At that early stage, I had no idea just what I was dealing with in terms of his illness, it took getting to know his parents, and his brother to find the extent of that out. Not to mention a visit to my own Doctor, whereby she asked me what was going on in my life when I broke down in her office.
After she had asked me to explain several incidents with BP, she then told me that he sounded like he had Borderline Personality Disorder, especially the violent side and the rapidly shifting moods/split personality like stuff.
She said it was likely that he would present with other co-morbid disorders as well, and explained to me that our prisons were full of men just like him, violent and domestic abusers. She said that traditionally they always thought that more women presented with the disorder but they were now realising that was only because as a rule, women are more inclined to seek mental health treatment first. Males are often more reluctant to admit fault, or problems, seeing this as weak.
After that, she told me to look up as much information on Borderline as I could, read about it, think about the issues that presented with him, and seek support.
That was what brought me here, and that was when the lightbulb went off for the first time.
It didn't mean that it made it easier, just that there were a whole lot more people who understood what you were going through, and the similarities in things were unnerving.
I know right now, that he is punishing me with his silent treatment, ignored the efforts I had made to keep us together, and work on our issues, and I also believe several months ago, that he began sleeping with someone else.
Normally, he would have no qualms at all, about continuing his disgusting behaviours, whilst taking my money regularly, and then punishing me with his devaluations, and painting us black all the time. Blaming all his problems onto me, right from the beginning.
So, I do feel that he had been sourcing new sources of supply the whole time, just like I instincted. As it turns out, the extent of the lies I had suspected, are finally coming out. Not from him, but from others, I need this though, as if/when he tires of his new supply, he might think he can ring up good old me, and I will welcome him with open arms.
Perhaps I would, but only if he was actively seeking help for his own issues, and willing to do a personal inventory before continuing.
Like all others here, it is likely a hope in vain. And I hope I can make it past this obsessional funk, and move on to great love shared with a much healthier person.
Whilst I take my time, I have been doing some serious soul searching on myself too, and even though at times it is pretty painful, I think I might come out all the better for it.
Will I ever get over the pain of being rejected so by someone I loved so deeply? No, I doubt it.
He is like heroin to me still, and I need plenty more rehab to be free of him yet... .
And so the journey continues... .
Thanks for letting me share
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