Cutting, mood, communication

[mindhelp]

I haven't been here in awhile because I am so confused. I have read, tried the various techniques, sent my 19 yr old to counselors and psychiatrists, (He does want to go and is trying to be helped)  He told me he has been cutting. Blood was on his sheets. I am in shock. He ended up telling his counselor, girlfriend, and me. He didn't think it was a big deal, but said due to all of our reactions and thoughts on it; he would try to stop. He gave me all of the blades he had been using. I had noticed big long cuts on his arms and legs and had asked him about them. He shrugged it off and then I just assumed accidents. I do not understand cutting and I cannot bring myself to read about it because it is too hard for me to face. And without too much detail, he has disrespected rules in the house with his girlfriend. (An embarrassing situation for us all) 

Our communication is virtually nonexistent. I asked if I could please talk to his counselor or psychiatrist with him. He said no, but I told him I would like us to go to another counselor then. He said I could talk one time, he will talk one time, and then go together. So I am thankful for that. Living in this house is so dark and sad. He just stays in his room. He only comes out to eat. But when I hear him talking to friends he seems so different. (Almost happy) He has been diagnosed BPD and depression. He has been on different meds six months.  I started on antidepressants and it has helped me stop crying all of the time and I can handle how I communicate with better thought and reaction. It just seems not to be getting better. Maybe I am being too impatient? I am very concerned at all of his destructive behavior, sad disposition, cutting, and he never ever smiles.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Phoenix tears]

I'm so sorry for the hurt you and he feel.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, mindhelp... . I'm really sorry to hear of the problems you are dealing with right now. It's really hard when our kids are in such pain, and do self-destructive things like that. I think it's great that he knows he needs and wants it; have any of his Therapists ever suggested some sort of inpatient program? Do you have a Dual Diagnosis Program that he could go to (although I don't know that he has a substance abuse problem besides the other DXs). I only know that my son didn't get any sort of proper treatment for his DXs until he participated in a Dual Diagnosis Program.

The tools we learn here are very helpful, and can make drastic changes in our relationships with our BPD kids, and in our own personal development. Have you checked out the Suggested Reading thread pinned to the top of the threads here on this Board? One thing that has helped me immensely when I've been disappointed, fearful, or upset with my own son is Radical Acceptance for family members. In fact, given that the only person we have any control over is ourselves, sometimes Radical Acceptance is the only thing we can apply to our situation.

I really hope that one of his Therapists or Doctors can guide your son to a program that would help him; if you could communicate with them (are they allowed to talk to you?) your fears about your son, and what you see and know about his situation, maybe you could suggest it and see what they say? Maybe you could see if your son would be interested in some sort of inpatient program? It seems like he is trying to protect himself from the world right now; he is unsure of himself in social and educational situations and hiding out at home to avoid them. It might be the perfect time for him to check into the kind of program I am talking about. He knows he needs help; I think he just needs to find the right kind of help.

One other thing, and insurance probably won't cover it, so maybe he can't afford it, but have you ever heard of Neurofeedback Therapy? If that is available to him, he might actually be intrigued by it and try it. I know that it has been the one new treatment that my son is doing, and it is making all the difference in his recovery process. Just a thought... .

[Tightrope walker]

mindhelp

   I too have a daughter who has been cutting.  She cut for a few years and then quit, but is back again.  In fact she has done more self harm than just cutting.  Personally it is one of the aspects of BPD that is extremely disturbing.  To see you child hurt themselves and leave scars is a scary experience.  When she lived alone, I had to take her to the emergency room several times for stitches, she was going so deep.

   I have read two books on the subject and several articles.  Basically you are to give assist them in cleaning the wounds up, etc without being emotional.  I did tell her this spring that I would not allow her to go on a vacation to see my mother if she was cutting and full of oozing wounds.  I explained that my mother could not handle it and I was not going to deal with that kind of situation on my vacation.  She did not cut for several weeks before hand and during our time together. 

   All I have read states that DBT is the best therapy for this, but I have not been able to get that kind of therapy for her.  She has also stated that if she stops cutting, then she wants to kill herself. That threat is usually carried out (overdosing, drinking cleaner, etc.)

     My daughter has been in several residential treatments, outpatient, extended hospitalizations, short term hospitalizations and group counseling.  In our state once the person turns 16 years old (and even if this person is residing in your house) the patient has to give permission to talk to their counselor.  This permission can be taken away at any time.  When she has taken away permission, I have resorted to calling her  therapist and just informing them of what is happening.  I tell them I do not expect the person to be able to tell me anything, I am just giving them information.

     My D is now 24 and has been diagnosed with a mental illness since she was 12.  I will honestly tell you that she has had about 15 different diagnosis.  I was told that for her to receive any insurance that she has to be diagnosed with Depression, since her insurance will not cover a personality disorder.

     My advice to you is to start setting boundaries.  If your son did not have a mental illness, would you tolerate some of the behaviors he has been doing in your house?  If the answer is no, then you must set these boundaries and be prepared to back up the boundaries.  It may mean eventually that your son may not be able to live in your house.  I know that it is awful to do that, but sometimes it is the only answer.

    Secondly, get your own therapist or support group for yourself.  My therapist has been a lifesaver for me.  You need someone in your corner as you deal with a son with BPD.  I don't think you are being impatient.  I suspect that you are probably tired, and mentally exhausted from the situation.

      You are in my thoughts.

                                             Tightrope Walker   

[vivekananda]

Hi mindhelp,

I am glad you have returned, we are here for you   You must feel so sad and hurt with what has been happening. I am sure there is a lot too that you didn't mention - it all gets too much after a while.

You have been given some good advice here. It will pay to reflect on what is said so you can decide your own path.

Some info on cutting: they do it because it eases the mental anguish they feel, the physical pain they feel causes a distraction from the mental pain. When they are accepting of treatment they can find alternatives to cutting, such as holding ice cubes in their hands, until they can come to grips with their mental state. Cutting scares we parents to bits because we see our beautiful babies hurting themselves so dramatically. We, as parents, need to come to grips with this so we don't feed into a possible drama need. We don't want our children to cut in order to affect our relationship with them. that's why Tightrope suggests we should show no emotional reaction and only help them to clean up. Taking razor blades away is an excellent thing to do - that is a boundary thing about respect within the house. So, keeping an eye out is good, reacting emotionally is not.

Please take care of yourself. Use us and the website here to learn all you can and get the support and guidance you need. Yes your own face to face support is excellent.

"Give me the strength to change what I can change, accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference between the two." There is only one thing you can change... . yourself.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[mindhelp]

Thank you so much for the support and advice Vivek , rapt reader, tightrope walker, and Phoenix tears. I am not sure what a dual diagnosis program is? He has been suicidal but never had to be hospitalized, although I thought once or twice we might be going there. And I know from all I have seen and read on here, that I probably don't have as much to deal with as some. I am going to get a counselor for me, but I just want to learn to communicate, love, and have a relationship with my son. It seems that for all of us on here, a relationship with our children (adult children) at best might always be strained.  I will look at more of the reading. I have read several of the books, all of the videos, and tried practicing the set and validation techniques. I am trying to control what I have control over(me) and accepting things as they are. I think I can only do that when I feel that I have tried all of this, given my all, and then accept what is. I so thank you for your words of wisdom and kindness. God bless you!

[vivekananda]

mindhelp we are here for you. Rapt Reader understands best about Dual Diagnosis, so I'll let her explain.

What I found was that the more I posted here, on my post and the posts of others, the more I began to unpeel the layers of understanding for the situation I was in. Information is power! Fortunately for me, people here were patient with me. I have learnt so much and continue to do so too. I think I asked some really dumb questions too 

What reading do you think has helped you best?

cheers,

Vivek    

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, mindhelp... . I'm glad to hear that you are doing a lot of reading here and learning the tools of communication. You will find that as you use S.E.T., validation, etc. more and more, it does get easier and easier till you will do it (almost!) automatically. It's great when you expect a blow-up or negative reaction, but validate as you talk to your son, and then the response is positive instead! It really does boost your own self-esteem, and makes it easier to remember to do the next time. I promise... .

A Dual Diagnosis Program is for people who have some sort of mental health issue (ADD, Depression, Anxiety, BPD, etc.) coupled with something else: Substance Abuse, Suicidal Ideations, Self-Harming, etc. My own son actually had every issue mentioned above (though he didn't need to), but never got the help he needed until the Dual Diagnosis Program. That is because instead of the regular Rehab Programs he'd been in (for the substance abuse issues), the DD Program focused on his mental health issues as a priority, with the substance abuse as the secondary issue. Because, if he didn't have the mental health issues, he wouldn't have been self-medicating in the first place.

I mentioned it above, not knowing all of your son's diagnoses, in case he did have the secondary issues beside the mental health issues. If he does, your insurance could very well cover such a program. In my own son's case, he got into the program on the recommendation of his Out Patient Therapist (for the drug use recovery) and the Hospital where he'd been last admitted for suicidal ideations. And this was the only program that "worked" for him... . He is now 6 months clean and sober and working on recovery from the BPD (or as he says: working toward remission from the BPD). I recommend checking out this type of program when the BPD sufferer has secondary issues.

Is there a chance your son has eligibility for a program like this? I don't know what programs you have available in your area, but his Dr. or Therapist or Psychiatrist might be able to give you advice? The one my son was in was a 21-day In-Patient program, with him seeing a Psychiatrist, Psychologist and Social Worker one-on-one every single day (Saturdays & Sundays included!), and going through Group Therapy one to 3 times/day every single day with the same professionals. He was actually diagnosed with the BPD at that program, and they gave me this website's address along with the discharge papers! It was in April of this year, and between that program and this site, my son has been transformed! And so have I... .  

[mindhelp]

Hi Vivek  and Rapt Reader,

Thank you for your ideas and help. Wow. It sounds like you have been through so much! Well I have have read several of the books and plan on buying a couple of the suggested reading ones I haven't . Truthfully reading more on this site and the videos on communicating have helped me more. Although, he seems worse the last three days. I thought maybe he should go to the hospital... . He says no and anytime I say that makes him mad. So, its like "walking on eggshells" most of the time. So he is cutting himself (trying to stop now) , is depressed, and diagnosed as BPD/bipolar. So I don't know if that would make him a dual candidate or not. I truly am trying to apply what I have learned so far in communication skills, though emotions more often than not take over and I revert back to ... . me(old ways). I am trying to find a counselor right now. The one recommended to me by my physician can't work with my schedule. Truly I thank you for your help as right now is such a hard time. He is so so so very sad . It breaks my heart ! He isolates himself in his room. I want to reach him. I don't know how. He used to be happy around his girlfriend but even that seems to bring him less joy. How do you talk to someone when they won't talk?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, mindhelp   

I see my son, who is 36 now, in your son when my own son was his age. I do know how heartbreaking it is to watch him self-destruct and shield himself from the whole wide world. And I know that learning to communicate with him better is so hard to do when you are juggling the stress and pain and fear, besides.

I looked around and found some links that you might have missed, and if so, they should at least shed some light on all of these issues for you:

Self injury and self harm

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Please let me know what you think of these links; if you have any questions or need more help. I want to help you--and your sad, depressed, frustrated son... . One Mom to another: I'm sorry this is happening, and I hope there is a way to make things better. If he could go to a Dual Diagnosis Program? His Dr., Therapist, Psych, etc. should be able to help you figure that out. My own son had substance abuse issues, suicidal ideation and mental health issues. He qualified; I don't know the "magic combination" that works for others, but this was my own son's "jackpot" of DXs... .