Saw a T first time. need advice on BPD and sexual abuse.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all,

I actually went to a T today. I felt this insatiable feeling about my experience. Talking about it, posting on it wasn't enough. My T said I could have PTSD from this relationship. I don't know how to take it, From my own personal view, I didn't realize the extent to which this has affected me. I guess the issue here is that I dealt with BPD coupled with sexual abuse and that topic along with her behavior really made me feel as if I was walking on eggshells. She would use her story of sexual abuse to manipulate me whenever I wanted to just run away.

I actually came to the blessed realization that the girl I said good bye to is NOT the girl that I pictured in my mind. They are two distinct individuals where one used to live in my mind and the other one is sick and lives in this 3D reality. I substituted the imaginary one with the real  .

What I want to know is, how ave you guys dealt with it? The title of "PTSD" ? And how did you guys deal with leaving a person who not only has BPD but suffered from sexual abuse?

The dynamic was, I saw her crying weekly, I saw how much the sexual abuse affected her. I always held her and comforted her, shlt! I even cried myself because it just broke my heart. However, she never stuck with treatment and she projected her failures and anger onto me.


Did you guys see the sexual abuser abusing YOU? Rather than your BPD partner? I didn't she her rage at me, I saw her abusers.

What's wrong with me?

[Iamdizzy]

Hey all,

I actually went to a T today. I felt this insatiable feeling about my experience. Talking about it, posting on it wasn't enough. My T said I could have PTSD from this relationship. I don't know how to take it, From my own personal view, I didn't realize the extent to which this has affected me. I guess the issue here is that I dealt with BPD coupled with sexual abuse and that topic along with her behavior really made me feel as if I was walking on eggshells. She would use her story of sexual abuse to manipulate me whenever I wanted to just run away.

I actually came to the blessed realization that the girl I said good bye to is NOT the girl that I pictured in my mind. They are two distinct individuals where one used to live in my mind and the other one is sick and lives in this 3D reality. I substituted the imaginary one with the real  .

What I want to know is, how ave you guys dealt with it? The title of "PTSD" ? And how did you guys deal with leaving a person who not only has BPD but suffered from sexual abuse?

The dynamic was, I saw her crying weekly, I saw how much the sexual abuse affected her. I always held her and comforted her, shlt! I even cried myself because it just broke my heart. However, she never stuck with treatment and she projected her failures and anger onto me.


Did you guys see the sexual abuser abusing YOU? Rather than your BPD partner? I didn't she her rage at me, I saw her abusers.

What's wrong with me?

[Octoberfest]

It sounds like you have the rescuer mentality. I too had/have it... .My BPDex told me stories of how she was raped, how she was physically abused by her husband (that she married when she was 19), how another boyfriend had burned her genitals with cigarettes.  For all the sex we had, she was very conscious about making sure she was under a blanket/the lights were out, and wouldn't let me have my hands down there "because of the scars".  Awful, awful stuff.  But, I have no idea how much of it is true.  She is a master manipulator and lies to survive.  We then get angry at ourselves for daring to question the validity of stuff as horrible as physical or sexual abuse... .

I think you have done yourself some good by realizing that who your BPDex IS and who you WANT her to be are two different people, and only one exists.

I stayed for the 9 months that I did largely because I wanted to be the one to save, or rescue, my BPDex.  I saw how damaged of an individual she was, how much she had been through, and I wanted to help her have a better life... .I was willing to sacrifice my happiness, my wants and needs, my self respect, to do it. But she continued to cheat and to lie, and it got to a point where I just couldn't do it anymore.  She was killing me.  It also nearly killed me to walk away... .I felt like I was tearing off a piece of my soul. I too have cried and felt incredible sorrow over my BPDex's history and past, events that had NOTHING to do with me, things that happened long before I even knew her.

During one of sessions with my therapist we discussed this very issue.  She told me the following:

"Imagine a scenario where you are giving all of <BPDex's> burdens back to her.  Say, 'I respect you enough to give you back your pain'".

I did so... .and gradually those feelings have dissipated. It is still all very incredibly sad.  Sad that someone has had to experience the things that she has, sad that she chooses to live her life the way she does.

I never saw my BPDex's actions as the actions of the people who have caused her hurt in her life.  The fact is that people face unbelievable hardships all over this world every day.  But at some point, you have to stop using those things as excuses for your actions and behavior.  That goes for us, as non's, too by the way.  I thought just today that it feels like I was dreaming all of last year, the 9 months that I dated her and the just over 3 months this summer before school started up again.  My experience with my BPDex has surely changed my views on some things and made me into a different person... .but it is not an excuse for me to go out and be a piece of sh!t.

I think what you are doing is trying to make excuses for your BPDex... .make it her abusers fault, not hers.  Absolutely, she was damaged by what happened to her.  But that does not give her the right to take that anger out on you.


As far as the title of PTSD- I was adamant with my T about not receiving any sort of formal diagnosis or being put on any medications.  In fact, I walked out of my first meeting with a T because she said she was diagnosing me with major depression and wanted to start me on drugs.  I never went back.  I found a different T and made my intentions clear from the start.  My decision had a lot to do with the fact that any sort of diagnosis of depression or prescription for depression medications could DQ me from military service should I choose to go that route down the road, and to a lesser degree, I just had a personal conviction to get through this without drugs (I did drink though).  I knew that I needed to feel it and process it I guess.

What's wrong with you?  If there is anything wrong with you, it is that you care too much and have too much capacity for empathy.  What an awful trait, right?

I have found in my time on this board that many of us NON's fit a pretty similar profile.  Interestingly, many pwBPD seem to as well. It almost seems like two puzzle pieces that are made for each other. pwBPD are unquestionably good at finding people who are vulnerable to their charm and their manipulation.  It isn't a sinister thing; it is how they survive.

You aren't alone here Iamdizzy.  Not by a long shot.

[Ironmanrises]

It sounds like you have the rescuer mentality. I too had/have it... .My BPDex told me stories of how she was raped, how she was physically abused by her husband (that she married when she was 19), how another boyfriend had burned her genitals with cigarettes.  For all the sex we had, she was very conscious about making sure she was under a blanket/the lights were out, and wouldn't let me have my hands down there "because of the scars".  Awful, awful stuff.  But, I have no idea how much of it is true.  She is a master manipulator and lies to survive.  We then get angry at ourselves for daring to question the validity of stuff as horrible as physical or sexual abuse... .

I think you have done yourself some good by realizing that who your BPDex IS and who you WANT her to be are two different people, and only one exists.

I stayed for the 9 months that I did largely because I wanted to be the one to save, or rescue, my BPDex.  I saw how damaged of an individual she was, how much she had been through, and I wanted to help her have a better life... .I was willing to sacrifice my happiness, my wants and needs, my self respect, to do it. But she continued to cheat and to lie, and it got to a point where I just couldn't do it anymore.  She was killing me.  It also nearly killed me to walk away... .I felt like I was tearing off a piece of my soul. I too have cried and felt incredible sorrow over my BPDex's history and past, events that had NOTHING to do with me, things that happened long before I even knew her.

During one of sessions with my therapist we discussed this very issue.  She told me the following:

"Imagine a scenario where you are giving all of <BPDex's> burdens back to her.  Say, 'I respect you enough to give you back your pain'".

I did so... .and gradually those feelings have dissipated. It is still all very incredibly sad.  Sad that someone has had to experience the things that she has, sad that she chooses to live her life the way she does.

I never saw my BPDex's actions as the actions of the people who have caused her hurt in her life.  The fact is that people face unbelievable hardships all over this world every day.  But at some point, you have to stop using those things as excuses for your actions and behavior.  That goes for us, as non's, too by the way.  I thought just today that it feels like I was dreaming all of last year, the 9 months that I dated her and the just over 3 months this summer before school started up again.  My experience with my BPDex has surely changed my views on some things and made me into a different person... .but it is not an excuse for me to go out and be a piece of sh!t.

I think what you are doing is trying to make excuses for your BPDex... .make it her abusers fault, not hers.  Absolutely, she was damaged by what happened to her.  But that does not give her the right to take that anger out on you.


As far as the title of PTSD- I was adamant with my T about not receiving any sort of formal diagnosis or being put on any medications.  In fact, I walked out of my first meeting with a T because she said she was diagnosing me with major depression and wanted to start me on drugs.  I never went back.  I found a different T and made my intentions clear from the start.  My decision had a lot to do with the fact that any sort of diagnosis of depression or prescription for depression medications could DQ me from military service should I choose to go that route down the road, and to a lesser degree, I just had a personal conviction to get through this without drugs (I did drink though).  I knew that I needed to feel it and process it I guess.

What's wrong with you?  If there is anything wrong with you, it is that you care too much and have too much capacity for empathy.  What an awful trait, right?

I have found in my time on this board that many of us NON's fit a pretty similar profile.  Interestingly, many pwBPD seem to as well. It almost seems like two puzzle pieces that are made for each other. pwBPD are unquestionably good at finding people who are vulnerable to their charm and their manipulation.  It isn't a sinister thing; it is how they survive.

You aren't alone here Iamdizzy.  Not by a long shot.

That.

They dont take it out on those to whom caused it... .

But us.

The ones closest to them.

[Iamdizzy]

Octoberfest, it's nice to know Imnot alone. I've had plenty of girlfriends before and I never felt like I needed to rescue them or anything. I guess I never dealt with sexual abuse such as rape so for me it was such a heavy topic that I ignored any boundary I had. That must of been extremely hard for you to have dealt with that.  What I come to realize is that, I was willing and I did, to put my issues concerns and feelings on the backburner for her. The number one reason for it? She was a victim of rape. I hate to say this but I don't know if she TRULY was raped or not but we are all different and how we deal with issues differ among us. My BPD practically flaunted that she was a victim. She was extremely sexual, HUGE advocate for the slutwalk, and she loved talking about it. She would talk about her rape in graphic detail then 20 min later from crying and what not would want to have sex.

At the end of the day, she would of never put her feelings on the backburner for me. At the end of the day, I would of never made her feel that my happiness and my well being are up to her. Like you said, I gave her back her pain. Octoberfest, I had such guilt for leaving her because I felt like I pulled a plug on a coma victim. Little did I know that when I left, she just went all out partying and having sex. Her issues are not mine to carry. I WOULD NEVER put any issue especially one such as rape on another person. It's up to her to recover. It's hard to change ourselves, it would be a damn near Herculean task to change another person w/o BPD.

[bpdspell]

October fest's reply was spot on.

As crass as it may sound; it is not our job or within our capacity to rescue anyone.

My BPDexbf was also the victim of childhood sexual abuse. My ex was molested by a babysitter as a little boy. It's tragic and devastating when children are sexually abused. In addition my ex was physically abused and emotionally neglected by his drug addicted parents. In addition to his BPD my ex did not trust women and expected all women to let him down as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My ex pulled me in with his sob story narrative and I took the bait. Many of our BPD's have carry a strong victim narrative which in turn empowers their mental illness. When a person sees themselves as a victim it can garner sympathy and empathy from others in a way that keeps them stuck. When you can find compassionate people to care, coddle, enable and comfort your pain it can feel great... .for a while. But then the realization comes that comfort from others will never heal the hole that lives inside a BPD soul.

In many ways our ex's (like us) are stuck in a place of loss. Looking for a rescuer is simply one of their ways of getting their incessant unmet needs met but in truth they are very angry and repressed. They lash out at us because our attempts at rescuing fall short because our rescuing isn't the healing elixir they believed it would be.

So what made me want to rescue my ex? Lots of personal family of origin issues on my part. In short I was doing damage control with my ex trying to fix the relationship I desperately desired to have with my parents.

I ending up leaving my ex too. And it was very hard to do. The pain was like putting my mom and dad in a casket for good. But love isn't self-sacrificing. Love isn't self-punishment. Love isn't allowing ourselves to be bossed and pushed around. That's abuse.

Spell

[babyducks]

What I want to know is, how ave you guys dealt with it? The title of "PTSD" ?,

 Iam,

I got the diagnosis of PTSD after my breakup with my EX.  With 20/20 hindsight my T was exactly right.  I lost 15 pounds, couldn't sleep through the night, had raging nightmares, had a very exaggerated startle response to loud noises or emotional moments.  Who would have thought the paid professional was right.    My T did not offer any medications and I never took any.

What I did do was take extra care of me,  really spent 6 weeks focused on exercise, sleep, and eating properly.  Best thing I could have done.

My T warned me to be on the look out for some reactions and that was helpful to me.   First time I got a message from my EX things came storming back.   And my T was very pointed about me working to not relive some of the destructive moments as that only cemented them deeper into my memory.

Now 5 months later I notice most of the symptoms have waned.  Sometimes if I get over tired I notice they creep back a little.   I am glad I took her guidance. 

It was a little harder to see through the fog how much damage I took during my relationship.  I was pretty invested in being the strong and together one.

babyducks

[eyvindr]

I never saw my BPDex's actions as the actions of the people who have caused her hurt in her life. The fact is that people face unbelievable hardships all over this world every day. But at some point, you have to stop using those things as excuses for your actions and behavior.  That goes for us, as non's, too by the way. I thought just today that it feels like I was dreaming all of last year, the 9 months that I dated her and the just over 3 months this summer before school started up again. My experience with my BPDex has surely changed my views on some things and made me into a different person... .but it is not an excuse for me to go out and be a piece of sh!t.

I think what you are doing is trying to make excuses for your BPDex... .make it her abusers fault, not hers. Absolutely, she was damaged by what happened to her. But that does not give her the right to take that anger out on you....

I have found in my time on this board that many of us NON's fit a pretty similar profile. Interestingly, many pwBPD seem to as well. It almost seems like two puzzle pieces that are made for each other. pwBPD are unquestionably good at finding people who are vulnerable to their charm and their manipulation. It isn't a sinister thing; it is how they survive.

You aren't alone here Iamdizzy.  Not by a long shot.

You certainly aren't alone, Iamdizzy. One of the eerie things about BPD is how similar the behaviors are between people. Well, maybe I used to think it was eerie -- the more I read and learn about BPD, though, the more it's starting to make sense to me.

Maybe one of the reasons that these types of behaviors tend to be so similar is because pwBPD are working with a pretty limited toolbox, with respect to processing and managing their emotional lives. Think about it -- just the issues stemming from their predilection to B&W thinking alone! -- how much of living in this world falls in the grey area? There are VAST expanses of existence between either extreme -- and they don't live there. It's like, emotionally, they have an express shuttle, that runs on the minute, if necessary -- but that has a very unpredictable schedule -- and only makes two stops -- Black Station and White Station. They never get off in between stops, and never get to see what's in all of those nice neighborhoods in between.

It really must be a sad and kind of empty existence for them. 

[Iamdizzy]

I want to thank you all for your posts and advice, very helpful and insightful.

I realize that the world of a pwBPD is very dark world and there are few in-between areas.

It's a obscure and silent spectacle of chaos. My issue is that I put my boundaries down for someone who used their past stories of sexual abuse and rape as manipulation, and that's exactly what happened. I was manipulated.

I agree with BPD spell in that a pwBPD, talking from my case and the more I read I can speculate from most cases, they elevate us to such high esteem and regard during the beginning because perhaps we are not only their temperorary pain releiver of shame from past relationships and abuse, but a potential "permanent" pain releiver.

As much as I "loved" her, I would never want to be something that quells a disorder a person may have. I don't want that as a foundation to a relationship. Love is not like that. I'm not a romantic but live is absolutely too short to have and live in that false sense of love.