Need Advice: How do I handle my friend?

[Indigo Sky]

My soon to be ex wife is NPD and antisocial. Manipulator, liar, no empathy etc... .

Our mutual friend I will call her Jane. Jane has become self aware that my wife has lied to her and manipulated her. The only influence I have had with Jane is that I have been nice to her while my wife hasn't. Jane has heard what my wife said about several things and asked for my side, I told her, for the longest time she didn't know what to believe but over time she is leaning towards me.

My wife manipulated Jane over several different things and now Jane sees she has been used. My wife sees that Jane has become my friend and has shunned Jane. Jane is hurt. I told Jane that she can go back to being friends with my wife and forget about me and it isn't a problem for me and I explained this is the only way my wife will start to talk to her. Jane told me that she likes me better as I treat her better and with respect. Jane is hurt inside and wants to confront my wife. I have told her that her options are to go back to my wife if she wants and it isn't a problem or, say nothing and just move on. Jane wants to confront my wife and I feel there is nothing to be gained by this.

One person told me that I should try explaining about people that are narcisstic to see if that would help Jane.

Ideas on how I can handle this? Do I just sit back and say nothing more?

Jane wants my wife, me, and a couple of friends to sit down together to find out who is lying about what. Jane over heard a couple of ladies talking to my wife about my female friend, who is also a friend of Jane. This female friend is known by my wife and my wife is very jealous of this other lady... .all these ladies work together.

My approach is just forget about my wife and I don't think about her or dwell on her anymore, I am looking towards my future. This female friend I am talking to I was dating briefly between when my wife wanted me.

My wife has painted me black and lied about a lot of things but my female friend and Jane see that I am different than my wife has painted me.

I will not run from my wife but I don't engage her either. If I want to talk to a person even though they work together I do. There has been bad blood between my female friend and my wife for a long time. I have told my female friend to smile and be happy, and ignore the office politics. My female friend is doing this nicely.

[changingme]

Hi Fuzzy Bunny

How about explaining to Jane exactly what your wife is dealing with (NPD and antisocial) and how it explains her behaviors.  However, Jane may still want to have a conversation on her own with your wife.  You don't need to protect her from that.  If they had a relationship on their own then confronting her is probably something your friend will just have to.  You are right nothing will probably be gained from that, but you learned that by trail and error as we all have who are on this site. 

Is it too hard for you emotionally to handle Jane being friends with both you and your ex-wife at the same time if that is what Jane wants? If so, then that is something you may need to be clear about with her.  Letting her know you don't want to be stuck in the middle of their fall outs (Jane and wife) when you are having your own fall outs with your wife to deal with. 

I don't think a group sit down talk is a great idea.  Just being honest is enough but you don't need to defend your honesty.  In the face of your wife you are always going to look like the bad one until someone (maybe like Jane) really can see the truth with their own eyes. 

Hope this helps!

[Surnia]

Hi Fuzzy Bunny

Jane wants my wife, me, and a couple of friends to sit down together to find out who is lying about what.

A difficult idea, even with so called normal people. You cannot prevent her from doing this. You can only say, what you think about it and if you are part of it or no.

As you said:

I will not run from my wife but I don't engage her either. If I want to talk to a person even though they work together I do.

Stick with it and stand your ground.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Fuzzy Bunny, I suggest you try to avoid triangulation.  Why do you want to get in the middle?  Maybe there is something in you that still wants to be involved with your pwBPD?  If you are trying to detach and move on, this scenario could potentially cause a setback.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim