BPD and finances

[kellygirl601]

How do you all deal with young adult BPD and finances?  My 20 yr old daughter is on disability.  She was in cosmetology school, took loan and quit halfway through.  Honestly, I am proud of how long she lasted.  It is a huge improvement for her and I know she really tried.  Now is the hard part.  The loans will come due and she has no money for them... ... ..

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

kellygirl:  I don't know if this will help but my DD decided to take two classes over the summer.  It was apparent right away that the second class was not one she wanted to stay with.  I had no problem with that and told her she should drop one.  She had a very good semester prior and was just taking some extra classes.  Well as usual she procratinated so long that when she finally did withdraw it was to late for a refund.  Even though we pay her tuituion I felt she needed to be responsible for this so I told her she had to pay back the $500.  She only works part time so she has given me a little bit from her paycheck and the rest she is working off at home.  Doing chores and such.  I felt it was important that she be responsible. I also was proud that she tried and I wasn't negitive about the whole thing.  Just factual.

Do you think you might find this agreeable to both of you? 

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Have you contacted Social Security to ask about options for the loan?  Perhaps loan forgiveness... .delayed coming due?

Any chance your d will want to go back and finish at a later time?  Might the school allow this to be considered already paid?

[Kate4queen]

My 21 yr old son is terrible with money and always expects us to pick up the slack when he goes overdrawn etc and we used to do it because we were scared of his rages.

As of a year ago we stopped giving him anything other than the $ we originally offered. He had to get his car fixed and demanded we pay for it, we said no and he was able to get a loan. He wanted me to co-sgin a $20K loan for him for online law school, I said no because I'd already offered him a years tuition to finish off his AA at community college.

It's hard... .but I don't even look at his bank account these days if I can help it. He still rages but he can only get us through email now.

[kellygirl601]

I am her representative through disability. She can only get it through me but it's hard to live on that and then pay student loans. I wish she hadn't gotten the loan.

[qcarolr]

My thoughts:

The school loans are her financial responsibility, unless you co-signed or are otherwise listed on the loan documents.

Is she returning to this school or has she withdrawn?

What are the terms of the loan repayment? Can these be negotiated to a % of her monthly income? Kind of like low-income rent is done?

I doubt that Social Security will have any say in this. Do you have access to a benfits counselor? In our state this is accessivle through our local Workforce office.

qcr  

[Winifred]

Things improved a lot for my 32 year old daughter and me when I stopped being her SSI payee. I didn't want to cut that last tie, against the advice of my therapist and others, but after she assaulted my husband, I had to. Yes, there were a few weeks when she didn't get her money, but she's good with bureaucracies. She can sit all day in a government office to straighten out a wrinkle in her payments. Now a third party disburses her checks to her, and I am so relieved to be free of that burden. My family doctor who worked with BPD's tells me that they're adept at finding the resources to take care of themselves. My daughter lives in a subsidized apartment in what she calls "the hood," but she's not homeless. She can't work at present because she has a baby (and has been fired from every job she's ever had) but she does pretty well on SSI, WIC, food stamps, and other forms of government assistance. The bottom line, in my opinion, is to separate yourself from your adult BPD's finances. Just don't get involved. No good can come of it. Hope this is of some help. Winifred

[twojaybirds]

I agree with qcarolr... the loans are her responsibility.

My dd is 19 in her sophomore year in college.  I will buy my dd gifts when I want to, chip in with extra help (like I just bought her a basket full of new underwear)  but those ongoing ER visits, she pays for (I do pay her health insurance through my work), she pays for all her car needs, and she pays for school through grants and scholarships (and perhaps loans)  because she of her 'thieving' all that money and jewelry of mine when her BPD erupted.

[kellygirl601]

I was shocked that she got student loans since she is on disability and can't afford them.  I don't get that.   I don't think they come due for 6 months. She does not do subsidized housing. There are no decent places like that around here. 

[vivekananda]

The bottom line, in my opinion, is to separate yourself from your adult BPD's finances. Just don't get involved.

This has been similar to our dd32 for the last 2 years. We has always helped her out with bills etc and she had never been 'abusive' of that but also never repaid the 'loans' etc. Then the situation became a crisis when she stopped work and was really unstable and deeply unwell. We will pay for her therapy (she has none any more), we will pay for bills that are receipted or invoiced and when we have enough warning (she objects to this 'control'. So, she no longer asks. She accepts responsibility for her situation.

But your girl is only 20. I would do all I could to get her out of this situation and then tell her 'no more' unless we agree beforehand. Or something like that.

The question is what is the difference between being supportive and enabling them to avoid their responsibilities. Have you asked her what she intends to do - to shift the sense of responsibility onto her shoulders and off yours. This loan is not your responsibility. I don't think you should let her think it is.

cheers,

Vivek    

[radioguitarguy]

Around 8 years ago our DS went to tractor trailer training school to the tune of $7,400. The school was affiliated with the Department of Education and the school took care of all the paperwork. My share was $4,800 and his share was $2,900. After doing pretty well in the class and on the road, he passed his written exam but failed the docking manuever on the road test and then decided he had too much anxiety to drive a big rig, which considering his circumstances, was for the better. I'm paying my share of the loan and he hasn't even started paying his share. I've refused to take on his financial responsibility and he doesn't even care. The bills come and he throws them away because he just doesn't want to deal.

I'm currently paying $25 a month to the IRS for his tax liability from 2011. This will be the very last loan I will pay. He's 29 and quite simply, we can't afford to pay any more of his expenses unless we dip into our retirement money, and that, just isn't going to happen.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders