any 12 steppers here?

[rich5a]

Hello,

Just curious if anyone here is in any 12 step programs? AA, NA... .etc. I am an Addict and alcoholic that was proud to have 7 years clean. Then 4 years ago I met my BPDGF... .and I began my slip. putting my recovery second... .she was my drug... severe highs... .lower lows. Exactly like addiction. I have had several relapses in the last year and still I toy with my toxic BPDgf. I am well versed in addiction and am now well versed in BPD... .still I am my own worst enemy. This road for me is becoming more and more slippery and I feel I am doomed to be consumed. I have made several meetings lately... .but feel so stuck. It is very hard.

barely hanging in

Rich

[musicfan42]

Hi Rich,

It's great that you've been attending meetings lately.

Your feelings are understandable. It's hard dealing with a tumultuous relationship-it's stressful. Try to take it a day at a time.

Do you have phone numbers of people in your program that you can call for support? A sponsor? etc. The online support here is great however I think nothing replaces face to face support in your local area.

I have gone to Al-Anon and CODA (Codependents Anonymous) and I think you could benefit from either 12 step group with regard to your relationship with your BPD girlfriend.

Al-Anon is technically for loved ones of an alcoholic however it gives a lot of coping tools for dealing with codependency. CODA deals specifically with codependency-take your pick... whichever one you prefer.

You say yourself that your BPD girlfriend was your drug and I think that's a pretty accurate description of what codependency is like really. I grappled with the term "codependency"-I didn't like it-however I eventually had enough willingness to get past the term and realize that it was actually an addiction in and of itself.

Al-Anon have a good slogan that definitely applies here-"put the focus on yourself", not the other person. Make sure that you eat well, get enough sleep, engage in program work, take time to relax, socialize etc. You can only control your own actions, not anyone else's so I also find The Serenity Prayer useful.

[rich5a]

thanks musicfan,

keeping the focus on myself. Very encouraging. I have attended coda meetings as well and they have helped with some of my core stuff and  I suppose its a continual work in progress. I find its hard to give my BPDgf up because of my codependency issues and other past unresolved mother issues I hold onto. I am trying to fill a hole inside myself... either using her and/or drugs while continually neglecting myself and well being. I am clear on what I should do but am fearful. fearful of recovery.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference

[nolisan]

Hey Rich

I've been in recovery for about a decade - primary fellowship is AA even though I am a poly addict. I met my ex BPD in an AlAnon meeting! An old time later said to me "The odds of finding romance in a 12 room are good BUT the goods are often odd". Amen!

She had 23 years of "recovery", called herself a "recovery sage", had never sponsored anyone (too self centered) and had never read AA Big Book (she felt AA was anti women and minorities - just for well off white men). Yes - she was quite opinionated.

My one year with her was like being addicted to crack - it was great when I had it and terrible when I didn't. She would run away / come back in 1 or 2 week cycles. It ground 25 lbs off my body. I was raw at the end.

I was a rescuer - paying her bills as she could hold a job long. When I started working SLAA and CoDA - the sex stopped and a few months later she ran back to her active addict abusive hubi she had left 5 years before.

I was shattered - felt like withdrawal from the strongest drug I have ever taken. Had a few booze slips - lost 4 years of sobriety (but not recovery).

Since then I have thrown myself into ACA. It has been a life changer - I now know why I drink, drug and sex. It is trying to fill the void of the love I didn't get as a kid. Just did my 1st ACA 5th step - getting to the root of things.

I have my ex to thank for this new stage in recovery - I am grateful to her - where ever she is.

[drv3006]

I am AA.  Over five years now.

my BPDexb did DBT (past tense)

I know what its like to put the program last because of these people.   Mine had so many issues that I didn't even enjoy sponsoring anymore.  Plus he would tell me I was trash and  didn't work a good program and on and on.  Mainly, so I would doubt myself.  And I did.  I was going down fast.

But I had to get back in the swing of things.  Calling my sponsor and going to meetings.   It's easy to put them first cause they practically are begging you too every minute of every day.  And it doesn't help when our program tells us that we need to be compassionate, do the next right thing.  I have so many resentments against my guy that I felt like a fraud in AA.  So I hear ya.  But please contact me anytime.  We have a support group.  They don't.   

[rich5a]

Thanks Nolisan, drv,

good advise and much needed. I have made some meetings but havent opened up or told my sponsor much... .ughhh I have to re-connect with program and disconnect from her. The sex... the chase... .the high... .the crash... .sometimes I think the man upstairs enjoys messing with me... .putting a BPD woman in a  recovering addicts life... ... just too much.

The odds of finding romance in a 12 room are good BUT the goods are often odd". Amen!... .

ACA?

[fiddlestix]

Hi Rich, I am an adult child of an alcoholic... .lots of weirdness in my childhood.  And guess what?  I married an addict, who is also bipolar and borderline personality disorder (formally diagnosed).  What a ride!  25 years together.  I have been in Al Anon for 12 years (not always so faithful).  It is a wonderful and accepting community of people   My wife was "clean" and attending NA when we started dating. I say that sarcastically because even though she was off the drugs and booze at the time, she had plenty of other addictions: food/eating issues, rage, games... .then 13 years into the marriage- sex addiction. Internet chatting, hotel hookups... .   Terrible.  Then 4 years ago she started hitting the booze and drugs again in addition to her adultery... .all the while attending her 12 step "Sexaholics Anonymous" group.  Our marriage was doomed and I was powerless to save it.  In fact, I am her trigger to terrible acting out.  Thank God for Al Anon!  The serenity and sense of community I gained in Al Anon has helped me.  The pain is still horrendous, but it has not killed me.  Al Anon has been a huge help.  Loving, kind faces, nodding in understanding as I share my story, bring me comfort. I hope you find comfort as well, Rich. 

Fiddlestix

[nolisan]

Rich

ACA = Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families (ie almost everyone qualifies )).

It is a 12 step program. Here is their "laundry list" or characteristics.

"The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

    We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

    We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

    We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.

    We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

    We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

    We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

    We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

    We became addicted to excitement.

    We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."

    We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

    We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

    We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

    Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

    Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors."

Check them out at www.adultchildren.org/

As I said it has helped me a lot. And they have phone meetings

[rich5a]

wow, fiddlesticks... that is quite a story. very painful. I imagine you were being held together by your support group... .If I dont open up and truly get into a support group I am going to continue on and on inside the hamster wheel... .until I completely self destruct... getting high... job loss... etc.

Nolisan... .reading about aca... gave me chills. I relate to every one of those criteria. I am going to find out about meetings in this area and check it out.

Thanks

[cylec]

Hi Rich,

AA here.  A little over 7 months sober.   My exBPDgf was an "inheritance" from my practicing days.  I move away, became immersed in the program then we broke up.

It has been painful as heck and pretty much the same story as most others here, but thankfully, I had my program in place by the time of the breakup, I was actively working the steps and had a sponsor and other support base so the impact, while terrible, has been lessened a bit, and recovery

from the relationship with a BPD is a bit easier.

If it weren't for the 3rd step in particular I really don't know where I would be right now, both in recovery and in the healing from the relationship with a very toxic person.

Cyle C.

[SweetCharlotte]

Hi Rich,

My name is SweetCharlotte and I am an alcoholic.

I mainly inhabit the Undecided Board, where I address problems in my on-again off-again long-distance marriage with my uBPDh. Both my parents were alcoholics and they both died prematurely from drinking.

I'm glad you brought this up. I've been away from AA too long, and I've been doing "controlled drinking" for the last few years. However, I should really go back to AA and get totally sober again. I had more energy and zest.

I thought that I was drinking to medicate myself for bipolar type 1, but I just went through more extensive testing and it came out negative for bipolar or any other mood disorder. My only real problem is alcoholism, aggravated by the relationship.

[topknot]

Hi Rich,

I am almost ready to receive my 3 year coin in AlAnon. It was the rope thrown to me when I was drowning in the BPD ocean of care taking and over loving someone with serious mental issues, alcoholism, and taking any pill he could find or steal. In my case, he was so high functioning that no one except me and his ex-wife saw Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I thought I was literally going crazy, being vulnerable and fresh out of a long marriage myself. AlAnon gives me tools to take care of me, as I didn't know how to do that. And another saying we use that I love ~ "keep your own front porch clean". It takes hard work to love yourself first. This board is so amazing too. Be strong