Trying to figure out my father

[Our abuse recovery guide]

A therapist I had a bit back suggested that my dad might be Borderline. That said it's tough to say for certain since he won't see any sort of mental health professional. He will barely consent to seeing a doctor and even then it is rare.

My relationship with my dad has gotten more rocky as he has gotten older and as I have gotten more independent. It became especially challenging as I made choices about what to do with my life that were different than what he would have chosen - got married, had children, decided to have a larger family, moved closer to my in-laws than to him etc.

The longer term patterns though have always been there. When he is doing well he acts as though I can do no wrong (and often demonizes my brother) when he is not doing well whatever I do is wrong. He will often tell me that I have chosen my in-laws over him, that I do not love him or care about him, that  I am ungrateful etc. And, he does this in a such a round-about passive-aggressive (for lack of a better manner) that there is no way to even discuss it or contradict his statements.

In a recent conversation he canceled a trip out to see me, my wife and the kids because he decided we did not want to see him. We have been quite supportive of his trip, and were very positive with him about it and quite honestly looking forward to it since we only see him once or twice a year and cannot afford more than one trip out to his place a year. However when he decided that we did not want to see him and told me that he would not come because we "did not want him there", "would prefer to spend time with our real family" and that he heard us saying he would "only be in the way." (the last statement a reply to my inquiry about dates, flight arrival times etc. so we could put it on the calendar and pick him up from the airport)

At times he will imply that I don't want him around, that I would be happen if he were "gone" etc. which really hurts. It also fits a pattern of his relationship with his mother so there may be a bit of family history.

At present it is so stressful I both feel exhausted and reinforced in my commitment to not living in my hometown and my desire to live closer to my in-laws. However it also means I end of feeling really upset and stressed out when we talk (about once a week on a pretty consistent schedule).

This all seems to reflect a longer term pattern and looking back was present in my childhood - my mom was just around to absorb and balance aspects of it out.

This whole situation has left my quite frustrated and stressed, not to mention a bit hurt.

[Info101]

A therapist I had a bit back suggested that my dad might be Borderline. That said it's tough to say for certain since he won't see any sort of mental health professional. He will barely consent to seeing a doctor and even then it is rare.

My relationship with my dad has gotten more rocky as he has gotten older and as I have gotten more independent. It became especially challenging as I made choices about what to do with my life that were different than what he would have chosen - got married, had children, decided to have a larger family, moved closer to my in-laws than to him etc.

The longer term patterns though have always been there. When he is doing well he acts as though I can do no wrong (and often demonizes my brother) when he is not doing well whatever I do is wrong. He will often tell me that I have chosen my in-laws over him, that I do not love him or care about him, that  I am ungrateful etc. And, he does this in a such a round-about passive-aggressive (for lack of a better manner) that there is no way to even discuss it or contradict his statements.

In a recent conversation he canceled a trip out to see me, my wife and the kids because he decided we did not want to see him. We have been quite supportive of his trip, and were very positive with him about it and quite honestly looking forward to it since we only see him once or twice a year and cannot afford more than one trip out to his place a year. However when he decided that we did not want to see him and told me that he would not come because we "did not want him there", "would prefer to spend time with our real family" and that he heard us saying he would "only be in the way." (the last statement a reply to my inquiry about dates, flight arrival times etc. so we could put it on the calendar and pick him up from the airport)

At times he will imply that I don't want him around, that I would be happen if he were "gone" etc. which really hurts. It also fits a pattern of his relationship with his mother so there may be a bit of family history.

At present it is so stressful I both feel exhausted and reinforced in my commitment to not living in my hometown and my desire to live closer to my in-laws. However it also means I end of feeling really upset and stressed out when we talk (about once a week on a pretty consistent schedule).

This all seems to reflect a longer term pattern and looking back was present in my childhood - my mom was just around to absorb and balance aspects of it out.

This whole situation has left my quite frustrated and stressed, not to mention a bit hurt.

[zone out]

Hi Info101

Just wanted to welcome you to BPD family - this is a great site, the welcoming ambassadors and senior members will direct you to all sorts of invaluable sources of information and you will find so many of us have such similar experiences.  It is really useful to read lots of posts - when I first joined a few months ago I used the search facility a lot and discovered a lot of 'lightbulb' moments.  Dealing with a family member with a personality disorder is so exhausting and confusing and often downright sad but it really helps to have contact with others in the same situation.

Keep reading and posting

All best wishes

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