Ex called CPS

[Stuffie]

Yesterday morning my BPD ex was supposed to meet me at 730am at the police station to pick up our son. This was an extra, requested visit by my ex, not a visit that was part of his parenting plan. I told him over and over again that he CANNOT be late. I had to be at work by 8 and I had to be on time. He was advised through email and text that if he wasn't there by 7:30 that I would be leaving and taking our son to a sitter. Naturally, 7:30 comes, he doesn't show. So I take my son to my sister. At 7:42 he texts me and says that he is at our agreed meeting place and wants to know where his kid is. I let him know that my sis is willing to meet him immediately for drop off but I have to get to work. He declined, stating that he had a busy morning and wouldn't be able to get his son. My sister lives within 5 mins of our meeting place. He stated that he couldn't get him until 1.

Then he said that after he picks up our boy that he wants to meet at a new location for my pick up. Yet, he wouldn't give me an address or a specific location and kept dodging the question. He said he would tell me AFTER he picked up our son. I advised that he would not be taking him unless he made it clear where pick up was. This all centers around the fact that I have been warned that if I am not early for my pick ups that he will be taking our son to a sitter and leaving him there until he deems it appropriate for me to have my child back. It's so frustrating.

Well, naturally, he never told me where we were meeting and I didn't let our son go with him. So what does he do?

He calls Child Protective Services. He tells them about two EXTREMELY old incidents where our baby burnt himself when he was first learning to crawl. Once in my care and another in my mother's care. Neither incident was severe. He also told CPS that my parents abused me as a child and he isn't comfortable with my son being around his grandparents. Never mind that my ex has a meth addiction and was suspended from his nursing job for stealing meds. He is now in out patient therapy for BPD and rehab for his addictions.

CPS, of course, didn't find anything alarming and dismissed the case but seriously... .what the heck. I didn't think this could get worse.

Will it ever stop? Will it ever get better? Having a child with this person makes my life so crazy. Will he ever calm down and just leave me alone?

[catnap]

Yesterday morning my BPD ex was supposed to meet me at 730am at the police station to pick up our son. This was an extra, requested visit by my ex, not a visit that was part of his parenting plan.

Stop offering him extra time and stick to the parenting plan. He seems to be only requesting them to mess with you, otherwise why delay picking the child up hours later?   Being nice rarely is reciprocated. 

Check your parenting plan carefully is there a 30 minute window for pick up/drop off?  He may be using that to stress you especially knowing if you have to have exact timing, such as what happened recently.  You can adjust by half an hour to avoid this in the future.  Ask your L about contempt (him refusing to honor the time window if in your plan)--how many documented times (by producing texts) do you need to have the court take notice?  Often they will take advantage of certain things to hurt you, yet, ironically, they feel it does not apply to them. 

[livednlearned]

Stop offering him extra time and stick to the parenting plan. He seems to be only requesting them to mess with you, otherwise why delay picking the child up hours later?   Being nice rarely is reciprocated. 

This is so true. I had to become very rigid about our schedule. Even if there was an important family event or something that S12 would really want to do, I stopped asking to make any changes to the schedule. It just isn't worth it. I didn't want to bargain with N/BPDx, or negotiate, or let him misinterpret emails, or offer him something only to have him turn it into a nightmare of details he wouldn't share.

You may also want to insist that he uses email and not text messaging. Texting is too real-time. Tell him he can text if it is an emergency, otherwise everything is email.

To protect yourself, when he is late, you may also want to send him an email stating that the order says he has to be at the meeting place at 7:30am so you can get to work. Please try to be on time in the future.

Then keep track of these emails and times. If you arrive early or on time for your exchanges, and he is not there, figure out a way to document it in a way you can timestamp that you were there and ex was not.

It's unfortunate, but a lot of this stuff has to become a pattern, and you have to document that pattern, before it registers in court.






[/quote]

[david]

"He was adivised by email and text that if he wasn't there by 7:30... ."

So he was at the right place but not the right time. That is on him. That is a boundary that you needed so you could do what you needed to do.

I used to reply, "The email dated xyz is what we agreed to" especially if it stated both the time and place. I say nothing more.

I have enough of them that I now ignore emails like this. If she takes me to court I have plenty of emails showing this is a common occurence on ex's part. I have a reason for why I left and it is reasonable.

After several years of this ex has learned my boundary and usually doesn't test it anymore. The only exception is our summer schedule. We are week on week off in the summer now. In the last two years she was only on time once. One time she was actually late by close to three hours. I expect the summer to be like this and so I don't make it an issue. She doesn't know it but it has backfired on her. Our boys (15 and 10) make bets on how late she will be. They bet pieces of gum or candy and have an over/ under rule they use. They have learned that she is undependable and act accordingly.

[Matt]

I agree that it's best to keep things as firm and simple as possible.  He is not mature enough to deal with complexity or flexibility.

I would suggest also talking to a lawyer, and filing a motion with the court, to bring some form of consequences to him for calling CPS and creating this drama.  I don't know if the court will take action - you might request reduced visitation, or supervised visitation, or a fine - but by bringing this to the court's attention, you will be doing what you can to provide feedback to your ex - to let him know that his behavior is not acceptable and that if it continues, sooner or later he will get some consequences.

[momtara]

At least he looks stupid by calling CPS. 

[ForeverDad]

I don't know the rules about CPS, they're pretty much a black box, but the courts in many areas have a policy to ignore incidents older than 6 months unless used to establish a pattern of behaviors over time.

As for the bright side, CPS looked into the matter, reviewed it, saw they were accidents and not incidents and the matter is closed.