How long does it take for a non to get over BPD relationship

[turtle]

There's no magic formula --

And for me, I didn't get "over" it, I got "beyond" it.

It just hurts until it doesn't.

And the day you realize that it no longer hurts, is a GREAT day!

Not much of a formula, but that's all I've got.

turtle

[goldylamont]

To answer your question... .How long does it take to get over them?

For me... .? was the day I knocked that woman off the superwoman pedastal and realized how infantile, toxic, and weak she is a person.

The day I actually said, 'you know what?... .you have given me such pain but I forgive you, I stayed for my own reasons and I allowed it as well. I forgive you.

The day I realized that this horrible experience is a gift. That's when I blasted off in terms of my recovery.

thanks Deleted for sharing. such strength in these words. and i think i'm most of the way there also in recovery, not all the way but "more than half",  .

i can't help myself but to think in numbers... .so i'd say at 1.5yrs out of a 4yr r/s i'm about 80% recovered. this is subjective of course   but honest i believe. and, many days that last 20% is no walk in the park.

[Fish]

I don't think you ever get over it. You just get through it.

The key is: once you get through it, don't look back. Go forward, even if you don't feel like it or believe that you can.

Feelings are the enemy of healing. Your feelings have been trained by pwBPD. The longer you have been with pwBPD, the more finely trained (and alien to you) your feelings have become. It is why almost every non says that they lost the sense or feeling of who they are as a result of the relationship with pwBPD.

This control and retraining of feelings is how they wreak destruction on the non. They do not alter the non's reason. They alter the non's feelings. The path forward is to distrust your feelings and to try as much as possible to put them away from you, to put them "over there". Then look at things without them. You'd be surprised at how quickly clarity returns that way.

That is not a path over a burning building, but a path through it, which is the only way as far as I can see.

[DragoN]

So well stated Fish.

They do not alter the non's reason. They alter the non's feelings. The path forward is to distrust your feelings and to try as much as possible to put them away from you, to put them "over there". Then look at things without them. You'd be surprised at how quickly clarity returns that way.

Thank you.

[Trick1004]

While a lot depends on the circumstances of the r/s and the individual personality of the non, the key thing for me was cutting off contact and sticking to it as soon as possible. I'm about four months out of a 3+ year r/s with my ex. I've never experienced anything in my life that compares to the day she pulled the rug out from under me stating she didn't want the r/s anymore or to live with me anymore.

Despite her wanting to end it she wanted to keep living with me for a month until our lease was up. Something inside of me snapped when she said that. I told her no way; if you're done, you're done now. I haven't seen or talked to her in person since then.

There were a few texts, emails and notes; mostly her wanting to meet to "talk". I was able to avoid those and it's been a couple months NC since then. Detaching as soon as possible is the only way to begin getting out of the FOG. Things are hugely better for me now, but man, day to day I hardly noticed the change.

Now I'm starting to see her as she was; a huge weight for the past 3+ years on my life, success, and happiness. All the while using me until I had nothing left to give and then dropping me like a piece of trash with no thanks or appreciation. I understand she has a disorder, but I am beginning to understand how I got into such a r/s in the first place.

Like an addict though I worry about wanting to get another fix from her at some point. Yet another reason to cut off all ties.

[Waifed]

So well stated Fish.

They do not alter the non's reason. They alter the non's feelings. The path forward is to distrust your feelings and to try as much as possible to put them away from you, to put them "over there". Then look at things without them. You'd be surprised at how quickly clarity returns that way.

Thank you.

Thanks for this. I cried at the drop of a hat the first month for no clear reason other than feeling empty. This 29 year old seemingly shy and timid woman broke a much more worldly, educated 46 year old into little bitty pieces.  I am not angry at her but was more at myself because I overlooked her inappropriate boundaries over and over. I am finally laughing again after 3-1/2 years and have spent numerous hours learning about this illness and also have been doing heavy soul searching and reading about mindfulness and living in the now.

I think you have nailed it though. I think you first have to let your feelings absorb you for a month or so and then put the feelings aside and totally concentrate on repairing yourself. I realize I have a long way to go but I no longer talk about her incessantly and have started to come out of my depressive slump I have developed over the past few years.

Again, my T, this site and absorbing every bit of knowledge I can about this illness and more importantly MY inner being has me pointed in the right direction MOST of the time.   

[Waifed]

While a lot depends on the circumstances of the r/s and the individual personality of the non, the key thing for me was cutting off contact and sticking to it as soon as possible. I'm about four months out of a 3+ year r/s with my ex. I've never experienced anything in my life that compares to the day she pulled the rug out from under me stating she didn't want the r/s anymore or to live with me anymore.

Despite her wanting to end it she wanted to keep living with me for a month until our lease was up. Something inside of me snapped when she said that. I told her no way; if you're done, you're done now. I haven't seen or talked to her in person since then.

There were a few texts, emails and notes; mostly her wanting to meet to "talk". I was able to avoid those and it's been a couple months NC since then. Detaching as soon as possible is the only way to begin getting out of the FOG. Things are hugely better for me now, but man, day to day I hardly noticed the change.

Now I'm starting to see her as she was; a huge weight for the past 3+ years on my life, success, and happiness. All the while using me until I had nothing left to give and then dropping me like a piece of trash with no thanks or appreciation. I understand she has a disorder, but I am beginning to understand how I got into such a r/s in the first place.

Like an addict though I worry about wanting to get another fix from her at some point. Yet another reason to cut off all ties.

I agree and lived it just like you stated. I have bee NC for almost a month and have not even considered calling her except in a few weak moments. Every time I get weak I come to these boards and also remember what she did to me and the moment passes. If she showed up at my door I think I would bust out crying because I don't know if I would be strong enough to tell her to f$&k off. Luckily I have no reason to ever see her again and we have no mutual friends so I don't have to hear how many people she has shagged or who her latest victim is.