Projecting the need to blame

[agad]

I just had an altercation with my uBPD wife about whether we had a previous agreement to go out and buy shoes for our son. I had added an event to our calendar to do it this evening. However, to my understanding the idea was to do it only if we couldn't find his gym shoes. We did find those shoes, so I believe we weren't going after all. When we first talked on the phone about it before she came home, she argued well and persuasively that we should go since we needed some other shoes. There was no discussion of whether we had agreed to so. I was slightly skeptical, since to me this came as a surprise, but I had heard her arguments and was open to the possibility.

In my mind, so far so good. Trivial problem, we can work it out. Then after she came home, she complained that I had "suddenly changed my mind" about going even though we had previously agreed. I explained to her that in my understanding, we were only supposed to go if we couldn't find the gym shoes. She went on about what she had said when we talked about it a few days ago. Her trying to blame me for the misunderstanding got me so irritated that I left the room for a while.

When we talked about it afterwards, she kept telling me that I had a need to blame her and to make myself out as better than her. But the fact is, while I can get the urge to blame in the heat of the moment, the way I prefer to deal with this kind of situation is to say that there's no way to remember exactly who did what. I may have misheard, not heard, misunderstood or misremembered. On the other hand, she may not have expressed herself clearly. I can live with that and say "who cares", but that seems to not come naturally to her at all. She needs me to say "I'm sorry I forgot" or something like that.

She complains that this happens often, as if that proves that I'm the cause of it. Maybe she just has a problem accepting the fact that people in general misunderstand each other frequently. On the other hand, maybe she's right. I've wondered myself why she keeps saying "i told you blah blah blah", or even "I told you many times", even when I have not the slightest recollection of it. I sometimes suspect her of believing she has said things to me when she's only been thinking about them. I don't tell her that, of course.

This is not a major problem or crisis, but I want to understand what's going on. Has anyone had similar experiences?

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[briefcase]

Yes, I've has many similar experiences.  And you're right this doesn't come naturally to people with BPD:

But the fact is, while I can get the urge to blame in the heat of the moment, the way I prefer to deal with this kind of situation is to say that there's no way to remember exactly who did what. I may have misheard, not heard, misunderstood or misremembered. On the other hand, she may not have expressed herself clearly. I can live with that and say "who cares", but that seems to not come naturally to her at all. She needs me to say "I'm sorry I forgot" or something like that.

Black and white thinking is a common characteristic of people with BPD.  For black and white thinkers every misunderstanding demands a "right" and "wrong" (or a "good" or a "bad", an "all" or a "nothing", etc.).  And, guess who she will normally think is wrong?  

It's important that you stay anchored to your reality - this was a simple misunderstanding, not an intentional slight or character flaw.  

Arguing about these things or buying into her "blame game" only makes things worse.  There are better responses, including validation of her emotions (but not validation of her faulty facts).  

Hope this helps.  

[HopefulDad]

I've been in this situation too many times to count.  Through our couples therapy, I've taught myself to avoid arguing and correcting my wife on the details and tried validating her feelings.  Still, the results are a mixed bag.  She definitely still fumes because I don't apologize for my "wrong" act, so I always offer a sincere "Why don't we take some time apart to cool off and we can talk about it later when we're both in a better place."  Sometimes she does exactly that after an hour.  More often, though, she continues to fume and is even angrier... .if she decides to talk at all.  She can go days giving me the silent treatment.  If I try to engage her on the topic, it's going to rile her up.  If I try to engage her on any other topic just to show we can be good with each other, I'm "avoiding" the issue.

[rags_and_feathers]

Welcome, Agad!  I hope you find the validation you need from being here -- I'm new too, and this board is helping me a lot.

Yes, I have been there -- like HopefulDad -- too many times to count.   In fact, I could almost swear I wrote your post (except the exact details, of course).  The dynamic in my relationship was nearly identical.  It drove me nuts a lot of the time, because it threatened my own grip on reality -- I'd know that things hadn't transpired the way she was saying they did, and I felt a need to speak out for the truth the way I remembered it or understood it.

[waverider]

If you are not at fault then that is saying you blame her, there is no misunderstanding or shared blame. The only way she can avoid feeling she is totally wrong is if you take full responsibility.

As the others have said disengaging is all you can do, dont try negotiating a compromise that doesn't compute. Say your truth then leave it, if she can't handle that position that is her stuff, not yours.

This is all pretty normal.