Talking About Psychological Help

[usernamed]

I wanted to get some feedback from people on this forum and see what they had to say about it.

I recently began reading Valerie Porr's Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. Now I haven't gotten far enough into this book yet to say much about it, but my pwBPD recently broke the "silent treatment" that she was maintaining and we began talking together. Eventually she asked me what I was reading, and because I don't want to lie to her I told her I was reading this book.

I had mentally been considering this issue as soon as I looking into books on BPD. I knew that discussing her disorder was often a topic that triggered dysregulation. I suppose to her it feels invalidating and makes her feel as if she is dysfunctional as a person because she suffers from a disorder. This leads to intense feelings of shame and potentially outward-focused anger. I dreaded bringing up the topic of this book because I figured that it would have the same result, but at the same time I've learned that being honest is very important, both to me and her.

So I mentioned this book to her. Right now the results seem to have been marginally positive. She wasn't upset that I was reading this book, but she did begin to express feelings of shame. Later on she asked me more specifically what the title of the book was, and expressed interest in reading it herself. While I think it's great she has shown an interest in possible avenues of treatment, I worry that by reading this book she might learn and begin to recognize tools and techniques described in the book. I know my pwBPD is incredibly smart, so it's a concern of mine that she will, in the future, recognize my behaviors as being influenced by these books and try to use that against me.

I know others on this board have far more experience than I do in this area. Is it proper to try and keep knowledge out of the hands of a pwBPD to prevent them from using it against you, or should it be seen as positive if they investigate these techniques at all?

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[waverider]

Yes they do recognize the tools and sometimes throw it back at you, but ultimately the tools are just good people and relationship skills. As such they see a positive change in you addressing their needs more appropriately so it is not completely a bad thing.

I would just try not to get over analytical about it.

It is a lot easier if they have acceptance of their Disorder, if they deny they have a problem then it is a whole different matter.

I have my books on the mantlepiece and she is happy that i care enough to make the effort to understand.

This site though needs to remain private otherwise it will inhibit you to speak freely.

[usernamed]

Thanks waverider. That's reassuring, I guess I'll just have to be prepared for a hostile response someday -- But then hopefully by learning these tools I'm better able to respond to them, and as you say, meet their needs. Fortunately my pwBPD recognizes she has a disorder, so she isn't upset on that angle.

Good point on the site though. I don't plan on showing this site to her for that reason.

[usernamed]

So we had our first fight today over my use of techniques I've been trying to learn by reading about BPD.

Early today she sent me a text that I felt was indicative (based on her word choices) of her being upset. I sent her another text responding asking her if she could help me understand what she was feeling. She didn't respond.

Later on we spoke and she approached me in a way that indicated she was upset. She felt my message was implying she wasn't capable of caring for herself. I tried to tell her that it feels bad when people don't trust you to perform actions, that I have gotten upset before when people said things to me that I felt were implying I wasn't capable, but that this is an indication that they care.

At this point she really withdrew and didn't want to speak to me. She accused me of using psychological tactics because I thought she was helpless and needed my help. She actually left at this point, but then came back about half an hour later and said she didn't want to leave "that way" (angrily, abruptly, I suppose).  Once she returned she seemed a little calmer, but she told me that she might need to be alone for some time, but if she feels like talking she'll contact me.

So right now I'm unsure of exactly what to make of this situation. I feel that the attempt to validate her emotions failed, but perhaps I was misreading her emotions. At the same time, she did display positive behaviors (returning to speak to me after calming down, suggesting she needed time alone [to process her feelings]). I thought those were encouraging even if the validation sort of backfired and caused her to become angry.

[waverider]

The tools and lessons are not a fix all tonic. They will be met with resistance, all change will. They are about helping YOU react in a more healthy way which is less destructive for you and ultimately will become less triggering for your wife in the long run.

As you start to take these methods on board you will feel more empowered and in control of your life. You are not doing these things to appease your wife, and certainly not for short term peace.

They are foundation stones for your future life, and as such their initial impact and purpose will not always be obvious. You are retraining yourself first of all.

There will be times when she simply does not hear your words as you speak them, nor will she trust your validations. Only ongoing consistency will establish this as the way things are. They are wary of change, even good changes.

Try not to get bogged down in the details and consequences of individual issues, it is the long term behavioral principles you are trying to amend. There will be good, bad and ugly results at times. It may take a year or more of consistent restructuring before you feel like permanent positive results have been achieved.

Be strong and keep your head up knowing you are doing the right thing