broke nc, need advice please.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So she txted me and I gave in and replied.      She wanted to know why I got her barred from cafe where we met...    I explained, and emphasized that she needs to get help.     Told her that she has a beautiful side I loved, but the crazy bhit from hell side which I cannot tolerate.   I repeated that she has beautiful side, and she needs to become what she can be.     Told her that she put me through a crazy love/hate cycle which I will never go through again.  Told her she tried to ruin my self esteem, but guess what?  She failed.

In reply she said she is truly sorry, and ashamed.   she said she has reached out for help and seeing a therapist on Monday.  She said she hopes that I can forgive her someday.         Genuine?   Honesty?   Should I have any hope?     What should I do?  What would you do?

[bruisedbattered]

So she txted me and I gave in and replied.      She wanted to know why I got her barred from cafe where we met...    I explained, and emphasized that she needs to get help.     Told her that she has a beautiful side I loved, but the crazy bhit from hell side which I cannot tolerate.   I repeated that she has beautiful side, and she needs to become what she can be.     Told her that she put me through a crazy love/hate cycle which I will never go through again.  Told her she tried to ruin my self esteem, but guess what?  She failed.

In reply she said she is truly sorry, and ashamed.   she said she has reached out for help and seeing a therapist on Monday.  She said she hopes that I can forgive her someday.         Genuine?   Honesty?   Should I have any hope?     What should I do?  What would you do?

[Surnia]

Hi bruisedbattered

Well done I think. 

About her and reaching out to a therapist: I would not rely too much on hope. Its a long way to recovery.

She is responsible for her recovery and you for your healing and detachment. 

[bruisedbattered]

Thanks Surnia,

          It's hard, cause I kinda wish I could give her a big hug... .but I know that would be inviting disaster, especially so soon.  Will continue nc I guess, and hope that she is able to get the help that she desparately needs.    Her father who abused her is also in town, which is making her very volatile I fear the worst... .     fingers crossed. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Actually surprising that she said she is sorry and ashamed, pretty self aware, and be grateful you got that.

But don't get your hopes up.  She's probably not triggered by you right now, so the sweet and kind comes easy, but we all know that any sort of moving forward from here will unleash crazy once again.  I think you handled it well.

[Surnia]

Hi BB

perhaps you can give her the big hug in your thoughts right now.

And yes, this is hard. 

[alliance]

In reply she said she is truly sorry, and ashamed.   she said she has reached out for help and seeing a therapist on Monday.  She said she hopes that I can forgive her someday.         Genuine?   Honesty?   Should I have any hope?     What should I do?  What would you do?

Did she really start seeing a therapist? Unlikely but a good way to keep you in the loop, just in case she needs you.

Genuine? Maybe but their concept of genuine is not the same as yours.

Honesty? Honesty is relative with a person with BPD. Again, different from a non.

Should you have hope? Hope for what? Hope that she is telling the truth? Hope that she will be willing to endure the arduous and protracted road to heal? Hope that she has changed? Hope that she will coming running back to you?

What should you do? Don't ever forget who she is, what BPD is all about. Focus not on her but on you. You deserve to be happy with someone who is capable of having an adult relationship with you.

What would I do? Run. Fast and hard. In the other direction. Why? Because I (and you) deserve better. Why? People with the emotional capacity of a toddler do not make good partners.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi bb, I know it's hard to not be there to give her a hug. I know that I give out a lot of virtual hugs here online and part of me still wishes to give one to my exBPDgf. 

To give you some perspective, my exgf was diagnosed and knew about all her problems. She's had therapy but quit. She told me she was pushing me away, she knew it. She told me not to trust her. When I talked with her to break up she acknowledged the things she did.

I thought she would give me the "smear campaign" since she's done it with past exes. But since the breakup I've heard from a mutual friend that my exgf said that I deserved better than her, that I was better off without her. And to be brutally honest I am a pretty awesome guy, so I probably do deserve better and am better off in the long run without her. I also will admit that if it weren't for the cheating with other guys, I probably wouldn't have broken it off.

Do I have hope? Yes, I hope she eventually finds the courage to work towards healing by choosing to undertake effective therapy. I hope she can have a better more fulfilling life where she is thriving not just merely surviving.

What am I doing? I'm trying to live the best life I can in accordance to my beliefs and values. Because of the way she is, that means she cannot be a part of my life. This is a conscious choice I've made because I believe in the person I am always trying to be: just me. 

[ucmeicu2]

In reply she said she is truly sorry, and ashamed.   she said she has reached out for help and seeing a therapist on Monday.  She said she hopes that I can forgive her someday.         Genuine?   Honesty?   Should I have any hope?     What should I do?  What would you do?

hi, you've been given some great answers.  lemme just throw in my 2 cents.  of course it could be genuine and honest.  but how will you know? for me, 3-4 yrs with my xBPDgf, i didn't know it until the end that i was unable to tell her truths from her lies, she was an exceptional liar. i started catching her lying more and more b/c she'd forget a previous lie and contradict. the lies got more and more transparent.  one time, in our last couple weeks together, i was whining about lack of reciprocation in giving gifts/cards/etc, and she grabbed a card off her desk and said "look at what i've been working on for you" and i read it and it was so precious, so clearly stated her love for me, used my nickname she gave me, said stuff she always said to me such as you're my soulmate, the urgings and encouragements that i thought were only for me (!), etc.  obviously tailored for our 'special love", right?  right.  no wait, not right. the date she wrote on it was over a YEAR before i even met her?

i was so hurt - NO message could have been ANY clearer that i was just 1 small cog in her big machinery, just 1 of many that came before me and will probably come after.  that she uses the same lines with everyone!  grrrr... . yet at the same time i felt so sad for her as she fumbled for words to cover up another lie but she couldn't find the words b/c clearly they don't exist.  don't p*ss on my leg then tell me it's raining.  she looked so lost.  she apologized in such a deep, sincere, and profound way... .but then quickly re-directed our attention to something else.  i let it go but i never forgot.

after that happened a few times, i got severely disturbed... wondering just how many times had she lied to me that went under my radar.  her intake worker at one of her alcohol rehab stints told me "see, the thing is, she will do or say anything it takes to get what she wants".  not sure if he meant strictly from an addict point of view but he hit that nail on the head with her, for sure.

in terms of a therapist?  i'd say just about zero hope unless the T is well versed, well trained in BPD; has a lot of experience treating BPD;  has current up-to-date BPD treatment info, and AND i can't stress this enough: believes in the cure.  you'd be surprised how many T's don't think there's hope, but will keep taking a client's $$$.  but is it your job to make sure she has a suitable T?  slippery slope there my friend.

PS  my xBPDgf was in therapy her whole life!  that's how i know so much about it.  the T him/herself is much more important than the fact that someone is in T.  i mean, if you don't have the right T you could spend your whole life spinning your wheels.  my advice?  stay away from "counselors", people with a degree in SW social work, even an MSW, they are mostly just "listeners" (unless they specialize in BPD).  BPD needs someone to actively take the reigns and direct the therapy, like a clinical psychologist.  that's just my 2 cents on my experience.  good luck to ya.

[bewildered2]

borderlines are good with words.

look at her actions, and believe what you see.

b2

[fiddlestix]

Bruised and Battered, receiving that sincere apology must have felt good.  And your ex may very well have meant it in the moment she uttered it. As you know, however, she may change her tune in an hour.

I got several of those apologies over the years from my ex.  They were probably meant to appease me and keep me around; I was her safe harbor.  Everything was a scheme.  And therapy?  My ex wife has been in twelve-step groups her whole life: NA, AA, Overeaters Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous,  in-treatment 5-6 times, countless counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists... .   About four years ago she was finally diagnosed bipolar with borderline traits.  DBT was suggested, but she never went because she knew how grueling it would be.  "I am just going to really focus on my program," she said. And, my ex is a therapist herself.  So she knows all the lingo. 

We are divorcing now.  She is with a new young guy and drinking.  She has laid off the pot as she fears a drug test at her work (which shows she can quit if she wants to).  I think of all the wasted time and money she (we) spent in therapy.  None of it worked because she never really surrendered.  She is very stubborn.  She ALWAYS has something to hide.  And, frankly, I think she is having fun living the way she does, so why quit.  The sad thing is, she sits in her office Mon-Fri offering therapy to troubled couples and individuals.  If they only knew... .

Fiddle

[Juno]

My advice is no communication. I can imagine its got to be hard because you seem to really care for your ex. I felt many times very guilty for leaving my ex.  She did not handle the rejection very good and did everything in her power to get me back in her life. The entire relationship was toxic from the start and it became deadly the longer it lasted. Probably my worst and best quality is feeling compassion. She used that compassion as a way to pull me back in her world every time I tried to end it. I finally broke off the relationship for good when it became clear she was willing to ruin her life, career, and family to be with me. I couldn't allow that to happen. My mistake was thinking things would get better each time we reconciled. All I did was allow her the blueprint on how to get me back into her world. In the end it made it much harder to accept the reality that I was gone for good. All I did was create a monster. This is something that could happen to you. Please use caution on how much you communicate because it's a lifeline to them. You may think it's harmless and your helping. In reality you could be doing her and yourself more harm.