For the love... here she comes

[blurry]

 Incredible, just when I thought we had done so much damage that even the mere thought of a recycle attempt on her part wouldnt be remotely possible... .here she is literally repeating her script from the past 7 recycles... .I mean she's repeating the script verbatim.

[Lady31]

Wow - that's a trip.  What are you going to do with all that craziness?

[Learning_curve74]

Insanity: doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different outcome.

[Ironmanrises]

Incredible, just when I thought we had done so much damage that even the mere thought of a recycle attempt on her part wouldnt be remotely possible... .here she is literally repeating her script from the past 7 recycles... .I mean she's repeating the script verbatim.

That is the pattern of behavior.

I know how hard it is... .

Having to deal with that again.

Resist her script.

She will only hurt you again.

Her behavior didnt change... .

The past 7 times... .

It isnt going to change... .

The 8th time.

Keep posting on here buddy.

We are here for you.

[blurry]

Well, gonna try it again. Only thing this time, there's no backing down on her getting into therapy. She says she's reading books on BPD in the meantime and says she will get into therapy asap. Anyway, between the distance I've put between us, our living arrangements (neither of us have our own place for now) and the fact that I'm working so much that we literally really can't see each other, maybe that gives me time to see if she's gonna commit to therapy.

I might actually be the biggest problem... .all the tools for responding and dealing with someone with BPD go against my natural instincts.

[Ironmanrises]

Please be very careful Blurry... .

The therapy alone... .

Requires years.

And she has to commit to that... .

Wholeheartedly... .

Otherwise... .

You know what the outcome will be... .

Regardless... .

We are here for you.

Hang in there friend.

[letmeout]

Blurry,  you could be her trigger. I know that my mere presence could trigger my ex into all kinds of crazy behaviors. Are you addicted to the drama?

It is up to you to break the cycle, because she may not be able to. The only way to break the cycle is to go completely no contact.

[blurry]

Yep, tomorrow will be a week since she reengaged, she's following the script to a tee. Now she's going into dysregulation already. In the past I would have already quit my job and moved back with her, only to get kicked out a week later for little to no reason.

If nothing else, I'm proceeding with extreme caution this time, not making myself vulnerable. Good thing I can see the disorder now, I'm almost indifferent as to whether she keeps trying to get me back or discards me again. This time the cycle is happening before I made any harmful changes to my own life. I haven't even seen her yet or done anything in person to trigger her, or over the phone either, come to think of it.

This is literally like watching her disorder run its cycle from an almost outside clinical perspective. Its all about her, still not sure why it isn't crystal clear to her that she's crazier than a #$%&house rat. You think she'd accept that for her 5 childrens sake, if nothing else. She's making lame excuses as to why she hasn't gotten into therapy yet, when what she needs to be doing is looking for a therapist as if its a life or death situation.

Regardless of that, not sure I have the patience or discipline to ever behave the way I need to, on my end. Not sure I can manage to ever not take her behavior personally.

[Waifed]

Yep, tomorrow will be a week since she reengaged, she's following the script to a tee. Now she's going into dysregulation already. In the past I would have already quit my job and moved back with her, only to get kicked out a week later for little to no reason.

If nothing else, I'm proceeding with extreme caution this time, not making myself vulnerable. Good thing I can see the disorder now, I'm almost indifferent as to whether she keeps trying to get me back or discards me again. This time the cycle is happening before I made any harmful changes to my own life. I haven't even seen her yet or done anything in person to trigger her, or over the phone either, come to think of it.

This is literally like watching her disorder run its cycle from an almost outside clinical perspective. Its all about her, still not sure why it isn't crystal clear to her that she's crazier than a #$%&house rat. You think she'd accept that for her 5 childrens sake, if nothing else. She's making lame excuses as to why she hasn't gotten into therapy yet, when what she needs to be doing is looking for a therapist as if its a life or death situation.

Regardless of that, not sure I have the patience or discipline to ever behave the way I need to, on my end. Not sure I can manage to ever not take her behavior personally.

She is likely years (if ever) of therapy away from doing your relationship any good. Good luck.

[letmeout]

It is an amazing thing to witness, is it not... .

[Learning_curve74]

I haven't even seen her yet or done anything in person to trigger her, or over the phone either, come to think of it.

You don't have to do anything, you ARE the trigger. At this point it is very likely that all she has to do is think of you and it triggers her.

Regardless of that, not sure I have the patience or discipline to ever behave the way I need to, on my end. Not sure I can manage to ever not take her behavior personally.

Have you been on the Staying board? There are communication tools and other things you can do to reduce conflict. But a pwBPD is not a black box where you always get the same response to what you put in. The truth is what the folks on the Staying board call "radical acceptance". You accept -- and to me "accepting" means merely acknowledging and seeing the truth of the situation without judging -- her as she currently is, and then the radical part is you decide to live with that regardless. It may mean that she will go into rages and paint you black giving you the silent treatment, it may mean that she goes off for a fling and goes NC on you, it may mean that she goes on alcoholic benders whenever she feels like it, but whatever she does, you keep taking care of yourself and then let her be with you when she can in whatever capacity she can. That is my understanding of "radical acceptance". Not everybody is cut out for that, in fact I believe very few people can do that depending on the particular behaviors of their BPD loved one.

You have to be honest and true to yourself. Don't think about her, think about what you want for yourself first. Then see if she fits into that.

[laelle]

I can speak from my own experience as I spent my last 6 month recycle on the staying board.  I learned all the tools and was doing my damned best to deal with his

illness, while also dealing with my own emotional mess.  We all have our own mental garbage or we wouldnt be here.  I got to the point where I just didnt care anymore.

Any step I took forward, he stepped back and added another "requirement".  I got tired of chasing my own tail, and frankly the havoc that our relationship was causing myself and my family was not worth it.

I matter and in this relationship I would always be taking the back seat to his own needs.  I am no Saint and I do not have wings.  I am an intelligent being, and as such, it makes no logical sense to keep beating my head up against a brick wall loving someone who can only whack me on the top of my head in return.

You were not meant for humiliation and abuse, and if you continue to let this relationship recycle, you are responsible for the lashing you receive.  It SUCKS!

I miss that "special" BPD love too, but it is not worth the price that I have to pay in self worth to have it.

 Laelle

[Accepting]

The truth is what the folks on the Staying board call "radical acceptance". You accept -- and to me "accepting" means merely acknowledging and seeing the truth of the situation without judging -- her as she currently is, and then the radical part is you decide to live with that regardless. It may mean that she will go into rages and paint you black giving you the silent treatment, it may mean that she goes off for a fling and goes NC on you, it may mean that she goes on alcoholic benders whenever she feels like it, but whatever she does, you keep taking care of yourself and then let her be with you when she can in whatever capacity she can. That is my understanding of "radical acceptance". Not everybody is cut out for that, in fact I believe very few people can do that depending on the particular behaviors of their BPD loved one.

Do you know what has made me think 'holy ___!' about the entire experience I've been trying to get my head around? >> going on google n finding a BPD recovery forum and reading posts by actual sufferers. For all the progress and 'a'ha' moments I've had since putting two n two together about my ex... .I never really saw things til today when I read what people with the disorder really feel. It made me yearn for my ex and want to talk to him and it made me want to sooth anything from our recycles to make it better for him - but I can't. There's nothing I can do... .and no matter how much in the moment I could want to do the above 'radical acceptance' concept, it's just not possible. I could imagine doing my utmost to put everything I have within me, all of my strength in to trying to make that work - but I feel it would be the biggest cat n mouse game imaginable.

And like you mention Laelle, likely just too hard to maintain. Life is eventful and challenging enough without having to radically change your natural responses to your partner's actions - just in order to keep them in the relationship - even then, how much time do you actually even get to be together and are you 'really' together even when it's good... .or are you a matyr to their condition. Not to them, but to BPD.

Incredibly challenging stuff, all of this. Makes me want to share love amongst people even more... makes me empathise and feel humbled.

[Clearmind]

blurry, what can you do to break this pattern?

We can use a whole bunch of descriptors such as craziness, incredible, repeating the script yet we engage... it takes two to engage.

We play a role in the dance!

[blurry]

Yeah as expected, 4 days of idealization followed by a sort of depression on her part where she shifted back to " this was a mistake, this will never work" ect. The middle of last week she was telling me "she knows nobody will ever love her like I do", and by the weekend she told me "I don't care about her at all". This was shortly after I offered her some cash and offered to give her a car I bought since our breakup 9 weeks ago. I couldn't respond to anything she said the last few days that seemed to satisfy her. Funny, since the breakup, I'm doing the best I have been in the last 8 years, and she's hit rock bottom basically. Its the same cycle over and over, could be 6 days or could be 6 weeks, but the cycle stays the same. Such a shame. Back to NC. Struggling with the urge to send her some money to help her out but at the same time feel like I shouldn't care at all since she put herself in the position she's in. Felt like asking her why she didn't go ask the ex that she tried moving in with, 3 weeks after marrying me, for some help, but I didn't.

[ScotisGone74]

Have you been on the Staying board? There are communication tools and other things you can do to reduce conflict. But a pwBPD is not a black box where you always get the same response to what you put in. The truth is what the folks on the Staying board call "radical acceptance". You accept -- and to me "accepting" means merely acknowledging and seeing the truth of the situation without judging -- her as she currently is, and then the radical part is you decide to live with that regardless. It may mean that she will go into rages and paint you black giving you the silent treatment, it may mean that she goes off for a fling and goes NC on you, it may mean that she goes on alcoholic benders whenever she feels like it, but whatever she does, you keep taking care of yourself and then let her be with you when she can in whatever capacity she can. That is my understanding of "radical acceptance". Not everybody is cut out for that, in fact I believe very few people can do that depending on the particular behaviors of their BPD loved one.

You have to be honest and true to yourself. Don't think about her, think about what you want for yourself first. Then see if she fits into that.




Honestly who could be in love with someone that really doesn't love themselves?   Who do you know that is anywhere close to sane that would want to have a relationship with someone like that?  Very few people would want that, much less would be able to deal with it.    Thats why so very very few of these relationships work out over an extended period.   Once you accept this fact you will be better off. 

[GreenMango]

I'm seconding this Blurry.  If you are still going back and forth with her think about posting on the staying board.

Have you been on the Staying board? There are communication tools and other things you can do to reduce conflict. But a pwBPD is not a black box where you always get the same response to what you put in. The truth is what the folks on the Staying board call "radical acceptance". You accept -- and to me "accepting" means merely acknowledging and seeing the truth of the situation without judging -- her as she currently is,  and then the radical part is you decide to live with that regardless. It may mean that she will go into rages and paint you black giving you the silent treatment, it may mean that she goes off for a fling and goes NC on you, it may mean that she goes on alcoholic benders whenever she feels like it, but whatever she does, you keep taking care of yourself and then let her be with you when she can in whatever capacity she can. That is my understanding of "radical acceptance". Not everybody is cut out for that, in fact I believe very few people can do that depending on the particular behaviors of their BPD loved one.

You have to be honest and true to yourself. Don't think about her, think about what you want for yourself first. Then see if she fits into that.




Honestly who could be in love with someone that really doesn't love themselves?   Who do you know that is anywhere close to sane that would want to have a relationship with someone like that?  Very few people would want that, much less would be able to deal with it.    Thats why so very very few of these relationships work out over an extended period.   Once you accept this fact you will be better off. 

[letmeout]

You know you can't save her, but you CAN save yourself!