I worry my child inherited my mom’s (undiagnosed) BPD

[Bluecrash]

I used to read this forum as the daughter of my BPD mother as I was grieving the loss of our relationship. I set some firm boundaries with her a few years ago to protect my children and she EXPLODED! Many tantrums later, the conclusion was that me having these boundaries was HER boundary (stated without any irony in that way only BPDs can manage). And that the supervised contact with my kids was unhealthy for her.

In the meantime, my youngest entered puberty (during a pandemic!) and it amplified his ongoing anxiety and depression. He began to self-harm. There were a few incidents of trauma when he returned to school and he became suicidal as well. The mood swings were intense.

At times, he only felt safe when he was in physical contact with with me… if I shifted my body when we were sitting and watching a movie, he’d look look worried and ask, “are you leaving?”

He’s been through a lot this year… this past few years. Could be trauma… could be BPD? So much of my energy is spent worrying it’s BPD and what that will mean… today is the first time I let myself consider it as a possibility (to empower and re-educate myself, i guess… not just hiding from the idea?).

I feel confused?trapped?scared? Like I put major distance between myself and my abusive borderline mother only to turn around and discover that I might need to be the loving caregiver of my maybe borderline son… even if he isn’t borderline his behaviour is very reminiscent of my mom (holy triggering! And yes, I had therapy. And yes, I’m in therapy again).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Roisin]

That’s a tough one. My heart is with you. I too have a mother with BPD, who was abusive when I was growing up. She grew into a vicious older woman. I had to cease all contact with her. I don’t regret it for a second, nor do I ever miss her. And I do have a daughter diagnosed with BPD. Definitely heartbreaking.
It is very different being the parent of the borderline. I had to grieve the child I so loved & who loved me. I still grieve at times. Now she is a 23 year old who hates me 96% of the time. The rest of the time we interact with a forced pleasantries until she gets what she wanted & then the cease fire is over. I wish I could walk away from her as I have my mother because she is so abusive. I can’t though. I take time away from her but to think of cutting her out of my life breaks my heart. It feels like I’m grieving her death. Like yourself I too am in therapy. Have been for years.
I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing with your son. It seems so unfair we survived our mother’s to now have the children we love with our lives suffer from the very same illness. I’m hoping the outcome is better for you & your son.

[By Still Water]

Same here. My mom probably had BPD (rages were scary) and our adult son, as well. I do believe it’s genetic.

[Notwendy]

I will be the voice of caution here. I don't discount the possibility he may have BPD, but also wonder about his age and circumstances. He hit puberty recently and has had behavioral issues during the pandemic. The pandemic has unfortunately amplified mental illness in children with all kinds of issues. I agree that something is going on, but it's hard to know if it is BPD or not. I definitely think he needs a mental health evaluation and intervention for the anxiety, depression and self harm behaviors. These are serious concerns no matter what the label is.

My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with this kind of situation. It is heartbreaking to see a child struggle. There is a genetic component to BPD but also to anxiety, depression, and other conditions. I know it takes time to arrive at a diagnosis of BPD, so it may not be the first one considered, but also there's no specific medicine for BPD but there is medication for anxiety and depression that might be considered to help him,  and of course ongoing counseling to help him and eventually arrive at the correct diagnosis.