Tiptoeing on Eggshells

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

I'm very new to this, but I'm gonna try to put my story out there and hope it makes some sense!

BPD…it tears you to pieces.  It rips you apart, it loves you – it hates you…it loves to hurt you…and hates the pain…oh boy…it’s confusing…never mind so hard to live with.   The constant roller coaster of ups and downs – you never really know what is coming at you at any given minute.  It never ceases to amaze me how drastically the BP’s moods and actions swing.  One minute they are cheerful and smiling.  The next minute – watch out – you are about to be torn to shreds.  Life…well, everything revolves around the BP.  As for anyone who is in the BP’s life…tough luck – BP’s get what they want and if you / I have different ideas – the fight is just hardly worth it.  It just plain tuckers you out.  There’s no rhyme or reason to what BP’s do or say.  Yet their lashings, tyrannical behaviour, their words…their never ending anger is so hurtful.  It sinks into you.   When it’s so constant, you start wondering if you are the one with the problem.  Everything becomes a big question – WHY?  And WHY are you lashing out at ME?

Yeah, I know everyone here already knows all this…but I just needed to write it out and put it out.  It is so darn hard to live with day in and day out.

For me, it’s 2 of my siblings.  I am the second oldest of 7 children, of which the oldest and the youngest both have problems in the BP way – with some traits showing in one other sibling as well.

I’m living in terror of my older sister right now.  She has no idea that I know of her diagnosis of BPD…but I do.  She’s been suicidal a number of times…and in the psychiatric hospital a couple of times.  She’s got other mental health issues (i.e., depression, anorexia, etc.), and has been in so many different counseling programs it’s hard to keep track where she’s been, where she’s discharged herself from, where she’s been so angry for things that go even slightly against her grain of thought.  It’s very unsettling.   Of all the family, she constantly is lashing out at me and my Mum.  The others she isn’t too bad with, but they all watch it in terror.  Why me and Mum?  It’s kind of like – I love you but I hate you, go away but don’t leave me alone… 

Same goes for the youngest child (16yrs younger than the eldest)…he hasn’t had an actual diagnosis of BPD, but he is so blatantly alike to my BP sister that it’s plain as day to see it.  He’s a cute kid, but horrible to be around.  I feel guilty writing that…he’s only 10 years old and I’m the big sister! But it’s just the truth, he’s plain awful to be with – every bit as much as my older sister.  It feels like he’s always having tantrums and the screaming gets so old…why again, does my dear, patient Mum have to be always yelled and screamed at, blamed and scolded,  ripped to pieces?  He (BP bro) will lash out at Dad & Mum, myself and 2 of my other siblings.

It’s such a ‘touch-and-go’ situation.  You never know what you’re going to get if you say anything or do anything…and to be honest, I’m just plain old sick and tired of it all. 

Myself…I’ve been sick of recent, but with cancer – brain tumour.  I’ve been in treatments, recently had 2 emergency surgeries, and have another surgery scheduled for the immediate future.  Am partially blind from it – thankfully I still have some sight!  I am not saying this in a “poor me” way, just putting it out there.  Yes, I very much dislike being sick and unenergetic, and when I’m not feeling so good, I find it very, VERY hard to have the patience to deal with these two siblings.  It’s a constant struggle…and it hurts like hell.  How do you connect with them?  My older sis has had this thought for years (actually, for as long as I can remember) that Dad & Mum love me more, that I’m perfect in their eyes, blah blah blah.  Yeah, right.  Since when!  Dad & Mum love us all – and heck…honestly – the two BP’s are the ones who are on the receiving end of most of D & M’s time! 

Right now I’m reading through “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Randi Kreger – an awesome book (yeah, a bit difficult to read being partially blind…but I’m determined to never give up trying!) When I first started to read it, I had trouble to not cry – it just was so amazing that there are others who are on the receiving end of these ridiculous accusations, constant ‘attacks’, lashings out, guilt trips…the list goes on.

Am I crazy to say that I actually feel guilty for being sick with brain tumour / cancer?   That’s the way I’m coerced to feel…at the best of times…by my BP siblings.  It feels like their goal is to make me feel terrible for being sick with something that I cannot control!  How does that work?  But then again, does anything make sense with BP’s?

My brain’s in a spin.  I don’t know if anything I wrote even remotely makes sense!  But, I needed to post, to let go and just put it all out there!  Thank you for reading this…I look forward to getting some inspiration to keep hanging in there…and possibly some tips on how to as well!

All the Best,

Mini-Me

[Mini-Me]

Hello,

I'm very new to this, but I'm gonna try to put my story out there and hope it makes some sense!

BPD…it tears you to pieces.  It rips you apart, it loves you – it hates you…it loves to hurt you…and hates the pain…oh boy…it’s confusing…never mind so hard to live with.   The constant roller coaster of ups and downs – you never really know what is coming at you at any given minute.  It never ceases to amaze me how drastically the BP’s moods and actions swing.  One minute they are cheerful and smiling.  The next minute – watch out – you are about to be torn to shreds.  Life…well, everything revolves around the BP.  As for anyone who is in the BP’s life…tough luck – BP’s get what they want and if you / I have different ideas – the fight is just hardly worth it.  It just plain tuckers you out.  There’s no rhyme or reason to what BP’s do or say.  Yet their lashings, tyrannical behaviour, their words…their never ending anger is so hurtful.  It sinks into you.   When it’s so constant, you start wondering if you are the one with the problem.  Everything becomes a big question – WHY?  And WHY are you lashing out at ME?

Yeah, I know everyone here already knows all this…but I just needed to write it out and put it out.  It is so darn hard to live with day in and day out.

For me, it’s 2 of my siblings.  I am the second oldest of 7 children, of which the oldest and the youngest both have problems in the BP way – with some traits showing in one other sibling as well.

I’m living in terror of my older sister right now.  She has no idea that I know of her diagnosis of BPD…but I do.  She’s been suicidal a number of times…and in the psychiatric hospital a couple of times.  She’s got other mental health issues (i.e., depression, anorexia, etc.), and has been in so many different counseling programs it’s hard to keep track where she’s been, where she’s discharged herself from, where she’s been so angry for things that go even slightly against her grain of thought.  It’s very unsettling.   Of all the family, she constantly is lashing out at me and my Mum.  The others she isn’t too bad with, but they all watch it in terror.  Why me and Mum?  It’s kind of like – I love you but I hate you, go away but don’t leave me alone… 

Same goes for the youngest child (16yrs younger than the eldest)…he hasn’t had an actual diagnosis of BPD, but he is so blatantly alike to my BP sister that it’s plain as day to see it.  He’s a cute kid, but horrible to be around.  I feel guilty writing that…he’s only 10 years old and I’m the big sister! But it’s just the truth, he’s plain awful to be with – every bit as much as my older sister.  It feels like he’s always having tantrums and the screaming gets so old…why again, does my dear, patient Mum have to be always yelled and screamed at, blamed and scolded,  ripped to pieces?  He (BP bro) will lash out at Dad & Mum, myself and 2 of my other siblings.

It’s such a ‘touch-and-go’ situation.  You never know what you’re going to get if you say anything or do anything…and to be honest, I’m just plain old sick and tired of it all. 

Myself…I’ve been sick of recent, but with cancer – brain tumour.  I’ve been in treatments, recently had 2 emergency surgeries, and have another surgery scheduled for the immediate future.  Am partially blind from it – thankfully I still have some sight!  I am not saying this in a “poor me” way, just putting it out there.  Yes, I very much dislike being sick and unenergetic, and when I’m not feeling so good, I find it very, VERY hard to have the patience to deal with these two siblings.  It’s a constant struggle…and it hurts like hell.  How do you connect with them?  My older sis has had this thought for years (actually, for as long as I can remember) that Dad & Mum love me more, that I’m perfect in their eyes, blah blah blah.  Yeah, right.  Since when!  Dad & Mum love us all – and heck…honestly – the two BP’s are the ones who are on the receiving end of most of D & M’s time! 

Right now I’m reading through “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Randi Kreger – an awesome book (yeah, a bit difficult to read being partially blind…but I’m determined to never give up trying!) When I first started to read it, I had trouble to not cry – it just was so amazing that there are others who are on the receiving end of these ridiculous accusations, constant ‘attacks’, lashings out, guilt trips…the list goes on.

Am I crazy to say that I actually feel guilty for being sick with brain tumour / cancer?   That’s the way I’m coerced to feel…at the best of times…by my BP siblings.  It feels like their goal is to make me feel terrible for being sick with something that I cannot control!  How does that work?  But then again, does anything make sense with BP’s?

My brain’s in a spin.  I don’t know if anything I wrote even remotely makes sense!  But, I needed to post, to let go and just put it all out there!  Thank you for reading this…I look forward to getting some inspiration to keep hanging in there…and possibly some tips on how to as well!

All the Best,

Mini-Me

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Mini-Me



First, let me say - I am so so sorry that you are going through your sickness  

And - I really admire your strength and courage in all this.

In spite of what your siblings may think, it is obvious that you are not seeking to get extra attention. It must be terrible to struggle with sickness and to have to fight off attacks on top of it... .

You describe the situation very well. It doesn't matter how many siblings there are, the one w/BPD can never get enough attention - it is the nature of the illness. Jealousy is very common too.

There are some good news though:

If your young brother gets the treatment he needs, he might be able to recover. There is hope for your sister too, if she is serious about her recovery.

Also, with learning the skills and tools to relate to a person w/BPD more effectively, your family may become a more peaceful place. Nobody is obligated to let others abuse them. Even if the abusive person is mentally ill.

You have already started on your journey of discovery. Are your parents aware of BPD? Do you think they would be interested to learn how to make their home a more peaceful place?

All the best to you Mini-Me, please be gentle with yourself, and if you feel up to it eye-sight and energy-wise and find it helpful, keep posting. We are here to support you.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Mini-Me & I'd like to join pessim-optimist in welcoming you to this site... .

You really have it tough, and I hope you get better soon. Your attitude sounds great, though, and I wish you the best with your diagnoses. It's too bad that you have to deal with sibling troubles on top of your own health issues! Please remember to take care of your own self, too... .We actually have some Workshops and Articles that can help you with that.

You say you're reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger. That's great; lots of us on this site have gotten our first information about BPD from that book, and it was a real eye-opener and life saver for me, too. We have many Book Reviews you can check out, too, for more information. "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr is like the BPD Bible for me, with so much information about the disorder and information on how to deal with our BPD loved ones, that it is almost like a college course! My copy is pretty well-worn (and I've only read it during the course of the last few months!), and I keep it to refer to time and again, during times of confusion and crisis for me with my loved ones. You might find it really helpful, if you have the time and energy to read it... .

Please keep reading on this site, telling us more of your story and asking your questions; it really will help! 

[zone out]

Hi Mini me

I want to join Pessim-optimist and Rapt Reader in welcoming you to the site.  I am sorry to hear about your illness - as Rapt Reader says make sure you take good care of yourself.

I can remember starting 'Walking on Eggshells' late one evening and finishing it early in the morning.  Suddenly I began to understand why my uBPD mother acts like she does. 

You will find great support on this site - it is such a comfort to know that you are not alone in what you are dealing with.  Rapt Reader has given you some links to very useful workshops and articles.  Read lots of posts and use the search facility.  You will find so many members discussing the same and similar issues to those you are facing - keep posting and let us know how things are going.

You seem to have developed a very good insight already.

[Calsun]

Hi Mini me,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I hate to even address you as mini me.  It sounds like you are such a courageous person with a big heart.  I can relate to so much of what you are going through.  That first paragraph summed up so much of what I experienced with my uBPD and narcissistic mother.  It really is all about them.  They don't see the other, really, only as projections of parts of themselves.  And their pain is the only pain and their life is the only life.  It's terrible and sad.  And they feel a license to treat others as objects.

I also relate to the physical illness that those who have dealt with the borderline personality develop.  Recently, I had a heart attack, at a relatively young age, and have coronary artery disease.  My heart was under attack all the time from my uBPD mother and a family in which I was abandoned, and it was every man for himself.  The stress causes disease.  The constant, unrelenting stress, stress hormones constantly activated, all break down the body's immunity.  There is an increasing body of scientific research supporting that. Recently, someone introduced me to the writing of Gabor Mate' who makes these arguments.

It is wonderful that you are reaching out to others.  Twelve step support groups, like Alanon-ACOA can be extremely helpful and therapy with a loving, experienced person can be extraordinary.  I am finding of late that I have had the opportunity to really grieve because the pain of having to deal with a BPD in the family is tremendous, and there can be a backlog of feelings of grief and hopelessness.  But there is hope for health and recovery, and it is real.  That feeling of hopelessness and depression that I experienced as a child, in having a mother and father who abused and abandoned me is lifting.  And I am seeing the power inside us to heal and to find loving and supportive people with whom we can share that journey.

Best,

Calsun

[Mini-Me]

Dear Calsun, Zone Out, Rapt Reader & Pessim-Optimist,

Thank you so much for your kind words and inspiration to hang in there... .it helps, very much... .and I really truly appreciate it!    I would have been back earlier to post, but have had some more emergencies arise from the brain tumour... .and have been back in surgeries!

Calsun, you truly sound like you're on a good road to getting relief, having been through the wringer very much yourself.  I don't know how I would stand up to being abused and then abandoned from your own parents.  That would be absolutely devastating.  I hope your heart condition is under control and that you are able to get help for this so you can keep looking after yourself too!  (PS... .as for my name, Mini-Me... .it was a high-school nick-name, and it's kindof stuck - I'm a itty-bit of a thing, so don't worry at all ) 

When you talk about having the opportunity to really grieve, this probably sounds crazy, but I almost feel selfish for feeling that need... .but I do feel that need, and I'm going to go in for trying to get some help about giving myself some 'love' (without feeling guilty about it... .) and letting myself grieve what really does need to be grieved.  Does that make sense? 

I find it very interesting what you say about stress causing a break-down in your body's immunity.  That rings quite true here... .and I can totally see it!  But that's incredible... .I would never have put it down to that, but what you say is totally true.  Very interesting.  I'd like to read up on that too!

Zone Out, thank you too for your reply.  I find the 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' book is very enlightening, and not a 'hard-to-read' book, it's easy to comprehend.  Randi Kreger is one amazing writer / person - I admire her for what she's done in the field of BPD and in helping us to understand our BPD relationships.  Unfortunately I haven't finished reading the book yet... .as I have been kindof out of commission for the medical problems, but I have it in my bedroom waiting to be finished read... .I've also purchased the 'Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook' to use, and am hoping to go through that soon too.

One of my problems is... .giving myself permission to 'look after' myself... .and I think it is because of the way I am kindof made to feel selfish by my BPD siblings for trying to get better and by looking after myself.  It's crazy how they swing back and forth.  Yesterday... .my BPD sis was with me and she was almost a little bit 'worried' about me it seemed.  I still am having a bit of trouble getting used to the way the tables turn so fast / the mood swings / character changes, etc... .but I know I'm not going to be helping any situations at all if I'm not looking after myself and putting my health first and foremost.  And... .that's not selfish... .I just keep telling myself that... .even though it's something I have to learn to believe... .!

Rapt Reader, thank you so much for the links to the workshops, articles and book reviews.  I'm definitely going to make use of them and am looking forward to it!  I am going to look up the book you mentioned, 'Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder' too, I'd like to glean as much information as I can so that I can both physically and emotionally deal with this situation the best way I can, as well as to help me be able to and allow myself to grieve what needs to be grieved, as Calsun mentioned.

Pessim-Optimism, thank you for the welcome!   Yes, my parents are aware of BPD, and they have bought some books and whatnot on it, but they haven't really gone through with the reading of them.  I've been telling them things about what I've learned from 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' (although I have not mentioned a word about this site... .is that crazy?  I just feel like I need somewhere I can really let everything out without any family criticism... .not that they'd exactly criticize me per se, but they quite possibly may not appreciate me being so blunt about the facts of the matter... .I'm not saying this against them - they've been trying their best, but I think that they try to downplay the problem as much as possible... .but I don't know that doing that helps at all!  Has anyone ever felt this way?  Should I continue to keep this as my own haven to let my feelings out... .or should I tell them about the site?)

I most definitely am going to do all I can in my power to get help for my little BPD bro.  He needs the help desperately, and although I'm not a legal guardian or anything, I can talk to the family doctor and make her aware of his problems and that I'm basically positive that he's BPD as well as big sis.  He's been doing some really crazy things recently.  Like he's becoming obsessed with the weirdest things.  Things that I've never heard of 10 year old boys doing before.  And that really worries me... .!

This BPD Family has been such a blessing - you all have been a blessing... .and I so much appreciate the encouragement and insight you have all given me.  I will not give up... .and I am definitely going to keep on as one of the BPD Family here... .thank you SO much!

All the Best,

Mini-Me

[pessim-optimist]

When you talk about having the opportunity to really grieve, this probably sounds crazy, but I almost feel selfish for feeling that need... .but I do feel that need, and I'm going to go in for trying to get some help about giving myself some 'love' (without feeling guilty about it... .) and letting myself grieve what really does need to be grieved.  Does that make sense?

It makes complete sense. It is through the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) that others sometimes try to make us guilty for things that are a natural right for anyone. (Here is a good resource on that SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG")

Yes, my parents are aware of BPD, and they have bought some books and whatnot on it, but they haven't really gone through with the reading of them.  I've been telling them things about what I've learned from 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' (although I have not mentioned a word about this site... .is that crazy?  I just feel like I need somewhere I can really let everything out without any family criticism... .

Has anyone ever felt this way?  Should I continue to keep this as my own haven to let my feelings out... .or should I tell them about the site?

If they have bought books and haven't had the motivation to read, they may not be ready to deal with the problem yet.

And - nope - it isn't crazy. I'd go with my gut feeling on that. If this is a resource for you that you treasure, and don't want it to get contaminated by worrying about what your parents might think or say, you don't have an obligation to tell them. 

Treat yourself with kindness, Mini-me.