Traits you see in your pwBPD which remind you of your FOO (family of origin)?

[connect]

Hi guys,

Been thinking about this a lot. Lots of us are in difficult relationships here where we may feel we are tolerating rather more than a healthier person would (speaking for myself anyway!)

I wondered what traits you see in your pwBPD which remind you of your past family issues (if you have any) also how you react to them?

On the back of a long run of dysregulation I started to try and pick apart my own reactions. It's not so nice for me to make the comparison but I am trying to be honest with myself and observe things for how they truely are. It will be a good base to improve myself I think.

My BPDbf I think has traits of my father at times. My father was abusive towards us - possible BPD himself.

My list:

Like my father my BPDbf sulks and withdraws for long periods (days) I respond to this by waiting for it to be over and becoming upset.

Like my father my BPDbf gets agitated and calms himself by feeling important on a subject and talking non stop almost as a monologue. I respond to this by listening and letting him talk as long as he wants.

Like my father my BPDbf  rages. I have in the past reponded to this by just letting him rage at me so to speak until it's over - I am getting better at disengaging.

The eggshell feeling is very familar to me from my FOO round my father also.

I assume that some of these similarities to my difficult relationship with my father are one of the hooks that keeps me in this r/s when its hard. (I do love my bf as well of course) I am hoping that this awareness will help me and will discuss it in my next T session.

What about you guys? See anything like that?

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[Marcie]

trying to manage my eating. When my mom did that I would sulk, now I snap and push back.

Ordering me around. I would listen and do it. I still do.

my mother is UBPD

Raging, I would try to run away.

[briefcase]

We tend to be drawn the to familiar, and sometimes the familiar is also dysfunctional. 

I've read a lot about abusive relationships and almost all of them mention that the roots of an abusive relationship can usually be found in the family of origin.  I don't think that is true 100% of the time, but it seems to be a common issue here.  And yes, exploring these issues can be difficult work.  It's good that you are working with a therapist to help sort all this out.    

[connect]

Yes Briefcase I am starting to draw some parallels here too. It is hard work - it seems so bizarre to me that the reasons I left home at 17 seem to be similar behaviours which compel me now. I know that some of this is working through these old issues but logically it doesnt make sense that similar behaviours (sulking/silent treatment/raging etc) dont make me want to run away now? Behaviours which I have pretty much managed to steer clear of most of my adult life. These BPD r/s really force us to look at ourselves.

[123Phoebe]

Yes Briefcase I am starting to draw some parallels here too. It is hard work - it seems so bizarre to me that the reasons I left home at 17 seem to be similar behaviours which compel me now. I know that some of this is working through these old issues but logically it doesnt make sense that similar behaviours (sulking/silent treatment/raging etc) dont make me want to run away now? Behaviours which I have pretty much managed to steer clear of most of my adult life. These BPD r/s really force us to look at ourselves.

No, logically it doesn't make sense and I think it's because it's very emotional in nature.

Working through what triggers us/compels us emotionally... .  Recognizing when our own emotions are on overdrive.  Finding ways to soothe ourselves without the 'help' of our SO's-- stand ins for our parents (?).

I play a huge role in my relationship, Connect.  It's uncanny how I revert back to a small child emotionally in some of my dealings with him.  Hmm, do I revert, or have I been reactive in all of my relationships?  With this one seeming to make me aware?

You're right, "These BPD r/s really force us to look at ourselves."

 

[TheRightPond]

Yes. Absolutely. Depressingly. And it took me too long to realize.

After a brief stint on SSRIs that improved his overall mood and anxiety (that he had been self-medicating with alcohol which was its own stressor in the relationship), he suddenly shifted to dramatic fits of "atypical panic attacks." After discussing seeing his doctor and making an appointment, he refused to go and denied having given me permission. It was at this point that I knew for certain that unless he had other supports in his life that he'd never improve and I told him I was leaving (i.e. withdrawing while his family stepped in to hopefully get him into a therapist).

The following few days were progressively worse and his behaviors became more and more over the top, culminating in an odd sort of soliloquy the night before I left that was apparently prompted by me asking when his mother was arriving. (He also lied and told me she was not coming.)

Having failed at keeping me through guilt and obligation, he convinced his mom that I have BPD (I'm a different flavor of crazy and highly recovery motivated :P) and because of her past trauma with my bf's father, I have been successfully vilified.

It's a faster-paced version of growing up as the only child of a widowed BPD mom: When guilt and fear of being rejected by the BPD stop working, convince others that the non is the problem.

[Theo41]

No question about it. I once had a psychologist say: "you married your father." I was so taken aback I did not return.

But he was right. My dad exhibited BPD traits inluding irritability,and excessive inappropriate raging. My mother and I walked on eggshells and only relaxed completely when he was not in the house.

There is a theory that if we have an unsatisfactory relationship with one of our parents we may seek out a similar person to marry in the hope that we can have a satisfactory relationship with a "surrogate" for that parent. I personlly believe it is the familiar dynamic we are drawn to. It also explains why we put up with unacceptable behavior: we learned that coping/survival behavior as children. Also, as a child, leaving was not an option.