Apologies with no emotion?

[Mazda]

Hi all,

My ex has apologised to me, several times.  For some reason, I just don't feel like there is any sincerity in it.  I have told him time and time again, if he is truly sorry then treat me better, but he never has. 

Has anyone else experienced this feeling? I don't know how to explain to people that he says sorry without me feeling like he means it!

[Bananas]

Hi Mazda,

I can relate to this.  The apologies from my ex seemed rehearsed, more like a script.  Or there was always a "BUT" afterward and then some sort of blame shifting on me or someone or something else. 

My ex seemed to have some sort of awareness that what he did was wrong, but it was only after he was caught.  Most of the time, he just covered up his behavior with a mountain of lies. 

He once told me he had no intentions.  I found this to be unbelievable at the time but now I really see it to be true.  I really think my ex never thought about the consequences of his behavior.  To be able to apologize and mean it, one has to have a feeling of remorse, one has to feel regret for their behavior.  I just don't think my ex was capable. 

[Mazda]

My exbPD claimed he felt remorse, but his actions never reflected that.  Once he said he was sorry for everything he did to me, when I asked him to be more specific he said that he doesn't need to justify it to me. It was enough that he felt it.  To this day, I can't understand that logic.

[Findingmysong723]

I'm never going to forget this one day my Ex Boyfriend had called me a name and he apologized and told me he was sorry. However, I reminded him that he had called me this name before, and he  apologized then too. Then he got this look in his eyes like "oh wow she is really making me accountable to my actions." Sometimes he would come over and hug me after an argument or kiss me on my forehead when I was pretending to sleep after an argument. It was like he was a little kid that thought, "hey I told you I was sorry, so you have to forgive me and say it's alright." I guess since his emotions are like a child, it is kinda expected, unfortunately.

It's funny, I liked how he could be playful and fun and that look on his face when he looked at me when things were good. However, no matter how great feeling like a kid again with him was, I would of taken the "real love" of an adult, taking things slow, growing into a comfortable love, with of course some excitement mixed in but a real foundation! I think yes I was naive etc, but even when I was in the relationship I wanted to really know my Ex Boyfriend I wanted intimacy, I didn't want to be idealized!

[Mazda]

My exbPD claimed he felt remorse, but his actions never reflected that.  Once he said he was sorry for everything he did to me, when I asked him to be more specific he said that he doesn't need to justify it to me. It was enough that he felt it.  To this day, I can't understand that logic.

[Mazda]

I concur.  It's so hard to not fall in love with them the way they make us feel initially, and they are masters at knowing when we are about to walk away and luring us back in.  The number of times I fell for it, but I don't blame myself.  I don't think any of us should blame ourselves.  It is hard for me to come to terms with what he did to me, I don't think I ever will accept his "apology" and I am stuck in limbo not quite knowing what I want, or even need, to let go of this traumatic experience.  I wish I could erase the past year and a half of my life.

[fromheeltoheal]

My exbPD claimed he felt remorse, but his actions never reflected that.  Once he said he was sorry for everything he did to me, when I asked him to be more specific he said that he doesn't need to justify it to me. It was enough that he felt it.  To this day, I can't understand that logic.

My take is the disorder causes the sufferer to be emotionally arrested such that they haven't yet developed the ability to empathize.  My borderline ex used to say 'that's just the way I am' which could be interpreted as a take it or leave it stance, but really she had very little idea how her words and actions affected me.  She almost never said she was sorry, and when she did it was clear she was saying it because she thought she was supposed to, but of course it wasn't heartfelt because she couldn't connect with how I was feeling.  It was pointless to push it further, so I stopped trying after a while, and pushing would just make her defensive, because there was nothing there.

[Numbers]

An excerpt from one of the few ":)ear John" letters I received over past years:

"Forgive me, once more, for everything ugly, for all the pain, for all the ugly words and my unconscious but evidently greatly wrong deeds"

So, you apologize, but do not know what for?

It's hard enough to apologize when you are 100% aware of what transpired. To force yourself to apologize when you have no awareness of doing anything wrong... .well, that must be hell.

[Learning_curve74]

To him, his feelings are facts, so for him it's "enough" to say he's sorry. Believe me, I know that doesn't necessarily make you feel any better.

But what else can you expect in the current moment anyhow? Even if he seemed remorseful, would that be enough for you? If your feelings and happiness are dependent on him, then isn't that figuratively putting your life in his hands, as well as a lot of responsibility on him?

[fromheeltoheal]

"Forgive me, once more, for everything ugly, for all the pain, for all the ugly words and my unconscious but evidently greatly wrong deeds"

How can deeds be unconscious?  She knew exactly what she did, and although she may not have known why she did them, she is still responsible for them; introspection might have revealed why she did them, what a concept.  But hey, it's a reasonable tact if you want to feel better; I'm ruled by my subconscious, which I don't understand, and therefore can't be held responsible for.  Poor me.

It gets under mine skin a little because mine tried it too.  Bullsht.

[Tourmaline]

I, too, have experienced the apologies that do not seem sincere. My ex lover would always take a few days to compose an e-mail that was supposed to explain his lies to me. He never could explain why, just that he could not offer a lot of explanation. The most explanation I got was that "I didn't want to risk losing you or her long-standing friendship and support." 

The apologies can be very unsatisfying.

[Starlight607]

It is like a breath of fresh air to read all these posts. My ex BPD bf felt just saying sorry was enough with no real indication of what he was sorry for. He cheated and then said sorry he just felt sorry for her; she was never relationship material. It was really me he wanted. This happened so much and I gave him chances not really knowing then what BPD was. We got engaged; it was romantic. He then retreated to his cave for weeks of little communication and when I pursued the problem to break the silence in my confusion he finally responded angrily with the excuse I was needy and had put on weight so he could not continue. Then came a text weeks later, " I am only just beginning to appreciate how much I have upset you in the last 6 months" and then nothing! What was that supposed to mean? These short vague messages then silence just confuse and upset. It is like a game. Sorry? I genuinely feel he only said sorry bec he thought he should not bec he really knew why or really was. I, like you, also said how sorry for all my angry and frustrated outbursts at his behaviour. Yes, you guessed it, no response to my feelings. I am sure he loves watching me in pain bec I care.

[willbegood]

My ex said she forgave the things I said the last time we got into to a fight. I said I was sorry for the things I said. I also said I hadn't forgotten the things she did to me. I then got a sorry for what she did.

2 mins later she said she told me what I wanted to hear and please leave her alone.

Her apology was obviously insincere. To this day all the lying and cheating seems to blocked from her mind. The only thing she can remember is what I said the last fight we got into for her lying and cheating again.