montanesa
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 42
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« on: November 13, 2013, 07:48:02 PM » |
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Hello everyone!
I'm montañesa and made my intro on the intros board a week back. For some stupid reason I look for help when things are bad, but when they get better again I stop. Well, that was dumb.
Anyhow, hello! I'm living with an uBPDH in a country where I am neither a native speaker of the language nor have I been here more than five years. So, I am at a complete loss as to what to do and I am looking for help from those who have "been there, done that." My husband and I have been married and living together for two years, but we lived with his parents (I'm in a country where this is normal) for two years before our house was finished.
I am, for some masochistic reason, hoping to stay. I love my husband and he's an extremely intelligent, very thoughtful man when he's not having a bad day. However, while the good is great the bad is horrible and it's only gotten worse over the last year.
I have a few questions, if you'll permit me:
1. This has gotten worse since his diagnosis and hospital stay with sarcoidosis. Does anyone know of a BPD/sarc link?
2. I hope this isn't too scandalous for the board (and mods, please clip if so), but the ENORMOUS emphasis on physical intimacy is killing me. Tonight's problem came from the fact that when we crawled into bed, I cuddled up to him and tried to hold his hand. "I don't know what to do. What do you want me to do?" he repeated, over and over. I told him that I wanted him to go with the flow and enjoy the moment. He kept repeating "What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?" Every answer I gave wasn't valid in his eyes and when I asked him exactly what he wanted me to answer he got mad and told me to turn out the light.
Now, he had come home on edge (I'm starting to learn triggers) and I had a feeling something had happened. So, I proposed a massage. I pulled out some cream and he asked if we could use a massage candle we have. It was 12:30 am and I replied "But it takes 15 minutes to heat up!" This set off WW-husband. "You always make excuses." I went to light it and he started with his typical pattern of "No, I don't want it anymore. You always make excuses."
Fast forward two hours later... .
After multiple "I'm going to sleep on the sofa"s and trying to make things better he tells me to throw the candle away since "You shouldn't buy things you're not going to use." I resisted the urge to retort "Hey, and have you ever tried using this on me?" and said "I'm sorry you feel this way. I would feel this way too." He repeated that I should throw it away. I get the candle and threw it away and... .WWHusband fires back up. Gosh, I'm stupid. Now, I did the wrong thing for throwing it away. However, as far as he knows, I held firm. It's currently hidden in the freezer where he never looks.
If we aren't physically intimate every day or every two days he gets into a hissy fit. Heck, last night I called out sick from work and around 10 pm he got upset because "We have all this free time together and it's wasted." Um, hello, señor, when you're sick I can't touch you. I'm sick as a dog here and you're asking for physical intimacy? No, gracias. I just want to curl up and get better. The standards surrounding physical intimacy are his and his only and there's no, absolutely no, way to get him to see how silly it seems to get upset with someone who is sick (Until last night I had never called out from my job at which I have worked for two years) who doesn't want to be physically intimate.
I guess the Cliff's Notes version of question 2 is... .my uBPDh has seriously unrealistic expressions and is awesome at demanding one thing but then, when I do what he wants, he does a 180º. What can I read to deal with the situation?
Tonight has been the first night that I just disconnected from the situation and did my best to realize that it's not him talking, it's his patterns of behavior and that I shouldn't take it personally. When I was taking it personally I fought back - big time - and was harming myself. I'm done with that bologna - I'm a grown woman and I know much, much better than to do what I was doing. The only thing is that I just need some help, some direction, as to what to do. There is so much out there, I'm a bit lost in this new BPD world. Heck, the worst thing, in my opinion, is that I'm shooting into the dark as to the fact that he's BPD. (When I saw a local psychiatrist he said it sounded like uBPDh had BPD and suggested the Eggshells book.)
So, I'm sorry if I've been too honest. I'm sorry for having written a stream-of-consciousness novel. I just need to get this all out there before I go back to sleeping on the couch (Gosh, I want to go upstairs but I don't want to awaken the monster for fear he's still in a bad place; he does have to leave for work in 6 hours afterall... .) I am so lost and I feel like I have nowhere to turn in this country where mental health seems to be something that is not spoken about. I have no real trustworthy friends here that aren't also uBPDh's friends. His best friend has seen how we interact in the worst of times and is a huge help when DH is bad. However, he doesn't know exactly what happens or why although I'm sure he has his suspicions. DH's family is one of those "sweep it under the rug and keep up appearances" kinds of families so, if they know, they will never say anything.
... .EDIT: As I was finishing he came stomping downstairs looking for the dang candle. "If you won't do it, at least I can do it to myself."
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