I can't believe how much I have learned about myself in 2 years - and never thought it possible to be this happy.
I feel so frustrated on many levels to have taken so long to grow the hell up! ... .to have sought out and tolerated such poor partner choices. And more than that, I feel so frustrated by my own emotional immaturity and the energy, time, and money expended on the wrong people for 20 years.
Being likely codependent, self-sacrifice and accountability are big for me. For that reason, inspecting and naming my own flaws is a lot easier than truly naming and believing the flaws of others. Over the past 2 years I have come to understand my own FOO and psychological schemas very well - and to address these front on. But now that I have, I can feel an emerging desire to show the non-believers that I have changed, you know? And not just my xBPD, but other people who must have witnessed my codependent pleasing fixing rescuing controlling ways.
This thread has been triggered by a random encounter with my xBPD's best friend last night at a work function. I was ecstatic to notice that my heartbeat never changed and that I never mentioned the ex. We just talked about life and what we've been doing for the past couple of years.
But part of me wanted to address the smearing I was subjected to and tell this guy that none of those things were true. I also wanted to explain my half of the toxic dance and where that all came from.
Thankfully that little voice that used to make me do codependent things like pleasing and justifying has been shushed. As has my inner critic that would have been attacking me as I spoke. In their place, is a calmer, more mature, and secure little voice that knows the truth innately and finds no reason to explain anything.
So as I looked at this guy with fresh eyes and noticed how much he had changed physically, I realised how much power I had given my xBPD all this time. By brutally discarding us, a pwBPD elevates themselves in our minds to a position of power. They dominate our thinking. We look for them in crowds. We fantasize about possible encounters. We internalise blame and shame. But to see someone from that period in the flesh - and to realise how small, human, normal they are - also helps to burst the bubble of fear created by our exes.
Despite wanting to scream what I have learned about them... .and about ME... .from the rooftops, I know with complete certainty that I would handle any encounter with my exBPD with the same level of control and calm as I did last night with his best friend. And that's a really important step in my healing.
Bb12
Happy for you, bb12
That's a really great sign that your physiological reaction is super chill, too
This is huge:
Thankfully that little voice that used to make me do codependent things like pleasing and justifying has been shushed. As has my inner critic that would have been attacking me as I spoke. In their place, is a calmer, more mature, and secure little voice that knows the truth innately and finds no reason to explain anything.
I was thinking about something kinda like this with the new guy I'm dating. Up to now, I haven't wanted my son to know his last name, because if N/BPDx finds out, he will likely target new guy. Probably send him emails I wrote a long time ago, tell him wacky N/BPD-type things to humiliate me, etc.
And I realized I don't care anymore. New guy knows me, I know me, we're good.
I do worry about N/BPD losing his head, because that's happened before, thanks to comorbid bipolar, OCD, and waaaaaaay too much alcohol, combined with any number of pharmaceutical drugs.
So I'm keeping things quiet for now. But it feels good to realize when you've truly, deeply, entirely, totally detached.
