No responsibility for feelings.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am having a hard time understanding how pwBPD can blame the non in their life for all of their feelings. My uBPD fiance has taken an event (3years ago) between the two of us and made it the root of all of her problems, fears, anger, blah blah blah. Especially around "her time of the month" I am made out to be the most evil and selfish person in the world. No validation or any of the tools even begin to have any impact on her vision of me, other than fueling her rage and apparent disgust in me. My anger and resentment toward her is building at an exponential rate, I just don't know how to handle thistreatment anymore. I have lingered around the staying board without posting much for a while now, but i feel like undecided is a better fit. I do't really know what my goal of posting this is, I am just very confused and frustrated right now... .ugh

ProudDad

[Proud_Dad]

I am having a hard time understanding how pwBPD can blame the non in their life for all of their feelings. My uBPD fiance has taken an event (3years ago) between the two of us and made it the root of all of her problems, fears, anger, blah blah blah. Especially around "her time of the month" I am made out to be the most evil and selfish person in the world. No validation or any of the tools even begin to have any impact on her vision of me, other than fueling her rage and apparent disgust in me. My anger and resentment toward her is building at an exponential rate, I just don't know how to handle thistreatment anymore. I have lingered around the staying board without posting much for a while now, but i feel like undecided is a better fit. I do't really know what my goal of posting this is, I am just very confused and frustrated right now... .ugh

ProudDad

[MammaMia]

ProudDad

PwBPD place blame for everything on their partners and loved-ones because they cannot see their own imperfections.  They are perpetual victims at the hands of others, and it makes them feel better about themselves to criticize and demean people.  They are often dysregulated and cannot control their emotions, which allows them to avoid taking personal responsibility for their thoughts and actions.

Bpd is a serious mental illness and it can be very difficult to live with.  Having said that, are you reconsidering marrying your your uBPD fiance?  Once married the situation may deteriorate if she is truly BPD.  Because of your name, I assume there are also children involved.

Is your fiance aware she is ill?  Would she be open to getting a diagnosis and treatment?  Also things to consider.

You are in a difficult place and have a right to be confused and frustrated.  You must consider the long-term future as well as your hopes and expectations for the relationship.  Only you can decide what is best for you. 

[maxsterling]

I am not sure there is an explanation that makes total sense, but from what I have observed this is rooted in the part of their emotional brain that thinks responsibility = vulnerability = loss of control = loss of partner = abandonment.  

My girlfriend says she hates herself.  She hates the way she looks, she hates her past, she hates the way she acts.  She has vocalized all this to me, almost daily.  But she has never once vocalized that her actions caused her bad feelings or that her actions put her in a bad situation.   It's almost like she refuses to admit she has control over herself and her future.  She can hate that she is overweight and hate the way she looks, and feels shame for eating too much and not exercising, yet she will only complain and never change her behavior.  And I think this is because she already has a low self esteem, and if she starts thinking she is the cause of things, she feels worse about herself.  

So in the course of a rage - she may admit she raged, and that raging is bad, but then she will say I caused the rage, or that raging is part of her personality and people need to accept that.  But in her mind, if she apologizes and admits fully that she was abusive, then I will have a valid reason to leave her, because she is abusive.  But as long as she can convince herself that she was justified, the problem is with me and not with her, then if I leave, I am the ass for abandoning her.

[Dr.Me2]

That sounds familiar with what I experienced with my uBPDw. Picking over a small incident that I thought was already settled and forgiven and yet vividly recalling it as it happened yesterday.

By the way, You can't be the most selfish person in the world since I got the title from my uBPDw first! 

All in all, emotional dysregulation is something they can't control. What they can control is the interpretation to those emotions and feelings.

[SimplySeattle]

Be very happy that you are seeing these emotions from her before you married. I was not so fortunate. I met a uBPD woman, fell in love quickly, and married her. Only then was I exposed to the emotional roller coaster ride that I've been on for the past several months. Pulls me close and then pushes me away.

If you do decide to marry her, set up clear boundaries on what is acceptable behavior and what is not. If you can, try and get her diagnosed and into some counseling.

Good luck!

[Proud_Dad]

Thank you all for the comments, it is nice to have some support once and a while (especially after a fun rager that lasted half the night   ).

MammaMia,

As far as the marriage goes, I do not see it happening (kind of sad). We do have small children S2 twins, so there is that element also. My boys are my life and she knows that, and uses that knowledge to control our situation. I am reaching a point where I feel like separation is the answer and that I will be happier with my own time with my children (heart = broken). As far as her awareness of mental illness... .a big no. Everything is 110% my fault, I am responsible for the way our relationship is today, the way she feels about herself, the way she feels about me, and the way society is today  (apparently I have more power than I thought). We went to a couple’s counselor a couple years ago and it did not go well. During about our 4th session the counselor brought up depression and her lack of accountability, also suggested that my uBPD fiancé might be trying to push me to leave her so that she was the victim of my actions. This did not sit well with her, she told the counselor to go f*** herself and stormed out of the office never to return. My uBPD fiancé now refuses to see any "quack" for what she sees as my "addiction to porn" . She had found a porn link in the history on my computer shortly after she moved in, so I am an addict (fore mentioned event that changed the world as we know it), but let’s not even consider that it was months old, and that I have not looked at or even thought about porn for 3 years now... . I am now seeking a T through the employee assistance program at work, I think it will help me put things in perspective.

Max,

Mine does the same things, hates herself and hates the way she looks and feels but won’t do anything to change. Mine is on the opposite end of the spectrum though, she will not eat all day so that she does not gain weight (she thinks I want her to look like a "porn star". I won’t even go into that right now, that is a whole other topic.

Dr.Me2,

I don’t know, I was told that I was selfish and narcissistic maybe twenty or so times last night so I think we might be fighting for a title belt here.  I AM THE NARCISSIST, that explains a lot.

SimplySeattle,

As much as it sucks to go through this, ya, I’m glad I saw it before I married her, but I wish I had seen the severity of her rage and anger before we had children also (we were kind of surprised) . Also, truth be told, I cannot marry her... .she has still not finalized her divorce from her ex-husband from about 5 years ago (asked ME to take care of it and I flat out REFUSED). So I am riding that wave and hoping that she drags her feet as long as possible.

When all is said and done, I feel like I am close to giving up. If there were not children involved I would have been gone at the onset of these rages... .As much as I will never regret having children, I regret choosing the person I did to have children with. Hind sight is 20/20... .

Thanks again,

ProudDad

[Changingman]

THis is the hardest post I've had to post... .

My ex wife used everything in our life to keep control of me and not let me leave she was amazingly abusive when i look back. 2 children who she used like a hammer against me leaving, i could not even think of leaving them it wasn't in my make up. Eventually we moved thousands of miles away cos she had a female 'Soulmate' who she was going to work with. This wasn't a sexual RS just obssesive , idealized. I was cut off from all my friends and family, i'd never known loneliness before it broke me and i broke up with her and said i'd live nearby and wanted to continue my RS with our kids. It was the best thing I've ever done, i was much happier. Did she let me go quietly... .no, threatened everything loss of children, violence, threats etc... .i went no contact instinctively. I have only now having been in a RS with a uBPDgf realized that she had uBPD/uNPD as well. this has given me some tools to help the kids understand their mother better. Not blame themselves for her Crazy. Now is 8-9 years ago she has a new live in BF and she treats him exactly the same... they do not get better, they do not change.

[ThisWayUp]

ProudDad

Your first post almost perfectly sum up my current situation. Only we have 3 kids (D5, D2, and Baby D19Days). I'd like to be able to offer some hope that things will improve, but for me that so far hasn't been the case.

I understand how hard this is man.

I'm a lurker on here mostly but reading other peoples posts on here helps me feel better knowing there are others out there in more ir less the same situation.

[MammaMia]

Thiswayup

Welcome to BPDF!  

We are delighted to have you lurking.  Yes, I think we all find comfort in knowing we are not alone when it comes to our BPD loved-one's behavior, and you are certainly welcome to post as much or as little as you like.  

I am sorry for your situation.  As you can tell from other posts, many of us are in the exact same position.  :)ealing with BPD in a spouse or SO is hard enough, but when you add children to the mix, it becomes even more complex.

We are all here for you.  You are not alone in this battle.  I do not know if you have had the opportunity to review some of the educational materials on this site.  They may be helpful in dealing with your situation, and I highly recommend them.  To me, the message boards are a continuous source of support.  Real people with real problems.  The BPDF staff is excellent and offers good, sound, and honest advice.

Thank you for posting.  We are so happy you have found us.

[Proud_Dad]

Changingman,

I am sorry to hear that your relationship ended the way it did. However, I am glad that you feel better off and happier. I myself am trying to look toward happier times regardls sof my relationship status. Positive thinking goes a long way in my mind. Hang in there and stay strong, all it takes for me is a hug from my kids and I am back on top of the world.

ThisWayUp,

Wow, it must be even harder with the demands of a new born added in the mix (congratualtions and cheers). It realy does help to get feedback on your situation in particular, i only just found this out, so keep posting. Hang in there and try to get some sleep, even though I suspect you won't.

Three day weekend ahead, could be rough... .

[ThisWayUp]

ProudDadOfTwo

I guess I can at least say that using the tools on here can help, a little. Things are rough right now probably 50% of the time with almost daily threats to throw me out and other craziness. Obviously things are stressful and im doing my best to stay on top of things but I find im more inclined to respond to her criticism and blaming in a more unhealthy way than I'd like. I allow myself to make those mistakes though as I'm only human right?

I first learned about BPD around 2 years ago when, after the birth of D2, she suffered from pretty bad post natal depression which only amplified her unpleasantness. Things were horrible, she (obviously) still holds me largely responsible for hell she feels she endured. At the time, looking for answers, I found this site.

I've lurked on here since then, rarely posting, but always coming back. Reading the posts on here and revisiting the tools helps me feel a little better.

I'm currently feeling like I can't stay as my BPDso seems so engrained in her way of interacting with me that any attempt to shift the balance to a healthier place is met with some form of backlash and I dont know how long I can go on like this. Having said that, I did leave her last year for 6 months, even had an I'll advised rs with another woman 3 weeks into the split ( another story). As expected, my BPDso made it difficult for me to see the kids as that was the only way she could punish/control me. It was heartbreaking. I eventually broke it off with the other girl (also BPD apparently) and I reconciled with BPDso. I literally feel stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place.

Hang in there man, that's what I'm trying to do, hoping to establish a "new normal" or until I can't take it anymore, at which point, at least I'll know that I tried.

[Changingman]

There seems to be so much self victim hood to this condition. Poor me syndrome, eternal victim, that seems to validate any emotional abuse they want to inflict. All they need is to find a reason from somewhere, last week, last year whenever, wrong look etc but it seems to me a justification to do the worst kind of emotional damage to those around them, then their narisiccism kicks in and they feel amazing/gloating at the expense of others. Makes me shudder! Yuck

[MammaMia]

Changingman

Absolutely, victimization is part of BPD.  This is a serious mental disorder.  I know people with it suffer due to inner conflict and self-loathing, but the impact they have on those who love them is devastating and cruel.

Keep telling yourself that it is a disorder they cannot control.  That helps some,

and it is true.  People from all walks of life with very different backgrounds and life experiences have the exact same BPD symptoms because of the way it affects the brain.  Sadly, they are very resistant to treatment, so the burden of coping often falls on others.

PwBPD live in a parallel universe that nons cannot enter.  Protect yourself with boundaries, knowledge, and the tools offered here.  It all helps.  Stay strong for yourself and your family, and please feel free to vent or ask for advice.  We all seek comfort and companionship.  It is how we cope, and it is ok.

Thank you for joining us.  Remember, you will never be alone in your struggles.

You are part of our family.

[Changingman]

Why not try some of the techniques listed on this site to deal with their attitudes, as MammaMia has quite rightly said.

Good Luck stay strong

[hopesky]

this thread is just what I needed to read today.  My uBPD wife is in individual therapy and I was optimistic this would lead to her working on improving herself and assume at least SOME responsiblity for her behavior.  So far her ind therapy has resulted in her blaming her parents for "bad parenting", and blaming me for my "lack of leadership" of our family.  Essentially she is a "victim"

My son is in therapy with depression,raging/anger and black white thinking(yeh... I know, sound familiar?).  He seems to direct a larger amount of his anger towards my wife.  She mentioned her "theory" for why this is yesterday... .that he is SUBCONSIOUSLY really angry at me (for lack of leadership in the family) but acts out towards mostly her?  My son has seen 5 therapists and nothing even REMOTELY close to this has EVER been mentioned.   So again, my son's issues are really nothing for her to work on or improve- it's me and she's a "victim"... .again... .

I'm at the end of my rope.  We have tried couples therapy (where our therapist brought up the possibility of BPD for her) now indivdual therapy.  Ind therapy has been GREAT for me- I was an emneshed mess, so great for me to learn about my own issues and MY part in this.

I guess I'm just so down today about this never ending, that she will never take RESPONSIBLITY for her feelings.  Is this like alcholism where they have to hit rock bottom before they have the motivation to improve their life?  She hides it well outside of immediate family so rock bottom is probably not going to happen... .I feel so stuck between what I want to do to take care of myself, my responsiblity of providing the best I can for my kids, and obligation to honor my marriage commitment

[MammaMia]

Hopesky

Welcome.  So glad you found us.

Everything you say is so familiar.  PwBPD do often need to hit bottom before taking their disorder seriously.  It sounds like therapy has helped you and that is great.

Have you had a chance to read up on BPD here?  The information is accurate and honest.  Since BPD is a brain disorder, it often becomes necessary for others to bear the burden of change to survive, because those affected are just like your wife... .they cannot see or understand how their BPD affects everyone around them because they only focus on themselves.   Their perceptions are skewed and their thought processes twisted because their brain is not functioning normally.  Such a cruel disorder.

How old is your son?  I am glad he is getting help.  It is wise do do it before he turns 18 and legally becomes an adult.  Once that happens, it is difficult for parents to intervene.  This law needs to be revised where mental illness is concerned.

We understand that pwBPD often exhibit symptoms with those they are closest to.  Others do not have a clue as to what is going on initially and often do not believe family members.  Over time, this may change, but those with a BPD loved-one need lots of support because of this.  You have come to the right place.  We get it.

Please keep posting.  We are here to help.  Venting, advice, questions, etc. are all allowed.  It is ok.  Remember, there is safety in numbers and you have found a home.  Thank you for joining us.

[Changingman]

If I hadn't discovered BPD and it's implications I not sure I would have/will survive this period of my life. Understanding the condition is so important to going forward, understanding your journey to this place.

I listened to someone talk of a BPD seeing a green light at a crossing and walking out into traffic when it was actually a red light, then standing there arguing with you as you try to save them.

Awful mental illness with a seemingly normal front.

Good luck

[Proud_Dad]

Understanding the condition is so important to going forward, understanding your journey to this place.

I agree, the knowledge of what I am dealing with (though still undiagnosed) has allowed me to take a step back and re-evaluate my situation. I am at a place where I am still trying to feel out my options (pros/cons) and taking things one day at a time. I have learned an abundance about myself and how I react to my triggers since I have been coming here, and it came at a time in my relationship where I was on the verge of giving up. I have regained a sliver of hope, though I am still unsure as to what the future holds for my uBPD fiancé and I. 

Thank you... .Proud_Dad