Didn't Get Any Empathy From My BPD ex

[musicfan42]

I was in the workshop thread about showing empathy to the borderline. There was a bit of disagreement amongst people staying with their pwBPD and people who have left so I decided to just post my actual thoughts on the subject here. I respect the fact that the workshop threads have to stay on topic.

Ironmanfalls posted this in the thread and it resonated with me:

I tried to be as empathetic with my exUBPDgf as I could possibly be. It came with a huge price. Me. I tried so hard to listen to her. To try and relate to what she was saying to me and what she was trying to say in her less then stellar moments. I felt her pain. And there was alot of it. And it hurt to feel that. I would ask her gently, where was the origin of this pain. She would shut down on me. When devaluation kicked in, she started to expect me to read her mind and know how she was feeling. Literally. And still, I was as empathetic with her as I could be. It left me completely exposed, reaching out to her each time. None of my empathy worked. Was I doing it wrong? I tried. I failed in that regard.

This is exactly how I feel! That I empathized with my BPD ex but that I sacrificed my own emotional needs to do so. I could feel my BPD ex's pain at times and that was hard. I felt that I failed too. I washed my hands clean of him but the stench of failure was still wreaking all over me. I understand logically that I tried my best and my best is good enough but I was brought up basically being taught that my best wasn't good enough... .that nothing I ever did was good enough... so it brought up all that emotional baggage again.

I realize that I have to give myself empathy first before I can really give it to anyone else without feeling resentment.

[GreenMango]

I wish empathy alone could solve the problems. 

If you tried, you tried.  I thought compassion alone would do it.  It didn't.  I'm not powerful like that.

It reminds me of that saying "loving detachment".  How people with alcoholics learn to let go of the loved one who's battling something larger then themselves.  And learning to love oneself.  A mentor here asked me once why did you love this person more than yourself?  At the cost of yourself. It rang pretty loudly.

[BuildingFromScratch]

You can't understand someone who doesn't understand themselves... .

[Ironmanrises]

I was in the workshop thread about showing empathy to the borderline. There was a bit of disagreement amongst people staying with their pwBPD and people who have left so I decided to just post my actual thoughts on the subject here. I respect the fact that the workshop threads have to stay on topic.

Ironmanfalls posted this in the thread and it resonated with me:

I tried to be as empathetic with my exUBPDgf as I could possibly be. It came with a huge price. Me. I tried so hard to listen to her. To try and relate to what she was saying to me and what she was trying to say in her less then stellar moments. I felt her pain. And there was alot of it. And it hurt to feel that. I would ask her gently, where was the origin of this pain. She would shut down on me. When devaluation kicked in, she started to expect me to read her mind and know how she was feeling. Literally. And still, I was as empathetic with her as I could be. It left me completely exposed, reaching out to her each time. None of my empathy worked. Was I doing it wrong? I tried. I failed in that regard.

This is exactly how I feel! That I empathized with my BPD ex but that I sacrificed my own emotional needs to do so. I could feel my BPD ex's pain at times and that was hard. I felt that I failed too. I washed my hands clean of him but the stench of failure was still wreaking all over me. I understand logically that I tried my best and my best is good enough but I was brought up basically being taught that my best wasn't good enough... .that nothing I ever did was good enough... so it brought up all that emotional baggage again.

I realize that I have to give myself empathy first before I can really give it to anyone else without feeling resentment.

Me too Music. I didnt give myself any empathy. I was too busy playing the caretaker and neglecting myself in the process.

[musicfan42]

GreenMango-I've been to Al-Anon before so I've heard of that saying. I wasn't practicing my Al-Anon principles when I met my BPD ex though! (You don't say ha! )  I had gotten sick and tired of Al-Anon. I was just... done with it... really fed up. But when my BPD ex devalued me, I pulled out all my Al-Anon tools again pretty quick!   I dumped him shortly thereafter so I really didn't waste too much time on him thankfully.

SuperiorOutlook- I don't want to understand my BPD ex. I want to focus on myself here- not the borderline... .to feel my feelings and realize that I was hurt when I didn't get the empathy that I craved... .to realize that those feelings are okay and natural.

Ironmanfalls-yes... that's it exactly! I didn't give myself empathy!

[MangoMadness]

I've never given myself empathy either. Instead I was very hard on myself, as my ex wanted me to be. Rather than talking out our problems, she would refuse to acknowledge her shortcomings and tell me everything was my fault, in all sorts of painful ways. I spent all of my energy on her, trying to help her, and I cut myself no slack.

No, to this day I still have trouble telling myself I didn't deserve it. I feel I was stupid to leave a good relationship for her, you know? And after they rope you in, well... .

And it's a good idea to try and not understand them. I've tried for years, but the best I can come up with is that they are incapable of sympathy, love and functionality. I'm not biased, one of my good friends also has borderline, and she has her struggles, she's selfish at time, but she acknowledges it.

She admits it. She's willing to try and change. Sadly, most of them are not. Because to them, they aren't doing anything wrong. They don't care how badly they hurt anyone, it's nothing to them. Which baffles me. Good on you for recognizing devaluation, I was too young and without a clue to. But it sounds like you really know how to hold your own.

I also left my ex, after she'd hurt me so badly. It feels good to cut them off, doesn't it? Unfortunately, I regressed a few times, no peer support. But you sound very confident and sure of yourself, and it's making me smile, aha.

[Learning2Thrive]

Ironmanfalls wrote:

I didnt give myself any empathy. I was too busy playing the caretaker and neglecting myself in the process.

hit_____

Ding, ding, ding, ding!  We *have* a winner.  This was exactly my situation.  Looking back... .and then much farther back, I now understand why.  I was conditioned to do that since birth.   

BUT... .life goes on and I'm getting stronger every day.  I'm thankful I've finally been given the opportunity to figure out WHAT issues I have from childhood and WHY. Now, every day is a new opportunity to grow, improve and learn to thrive ON MY OWN!

[musicfan42]

MangoMadness- Have you read the thread in the workshop section on domestic violence against men?

I read about domestic violence and it really helped me. Abusers typically lure their victims in by being very charming initially but then they start to put them down... .

I know you feel it's your fault but logically how could it be? You treated your BPD ex and rightfully expected the same in return. Relationships are meant to be 50/50... .equals... both people sharing the power and control. I tried to make this point on the workshop thread "empathy for the borderline" however I think it was misconstrued. That's why I thought "look- I need my own thread to discuss empathy for the non"

I recognized the devaluation however I called it emotional abuse. I don't like using words like devaluation. I don't like all this jargon. I just think: keep it simple. Use words that are in everyday usage... that anyone would understand. Other people may find terms like devaluation useful though- if they do, that's great. I find them disempowering personally because they're all focused on the borderline. Terms like emotional abuse are focused on the victim and that's my concern. I set up a "positive things about ourselves" thread on the leaving section and it may help you. It asks the non to list at least one positive thing about themselves. I think that it's time for nons here to shift the focus onto themselves- to say "hey... I'm awesome... I have all these amazing qualities"

[MangoMadness]

I'm very... .Iffy about calling it domestic violence. I've been laughed out of therapist offices for even suggesting such a thing. Because she did not hit me, they say I was not abused. But I'll go read up on it, and see if I can take something from it.

[musicfan42]

MangoMadness-I'm honestly shocked that a therapist would make that assertion. There are many different types of abuse- not just physical abuse. The "Responding to Domestic Violence [women]" thread in the workshop section also contains some good information.

Emotional abuse is a form of psychological abuse:

www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

"When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse".