parenting issues

[committed]

I could use a little advice and insight. For the most part my UBPDbf get along really well. I've done a lot to educate myself and have learned how to better communicate with him. We've been together for four years and have lived together for the last two.

The problem is that he has very little, if any, patience for my 12-year-old daughter from a previous marriage and for the past two months has been really riding her, yelling at her before trying first to talk with her and really creating a hostile environment in our home. I've had repeated conversations with him, asking him to let me deal with discipline issues around the house, while at the same time not trying to limit his ability to say something to her if he sees it or when I'm not around. But because he is always yelling at her, I don't even have a chance to deal with any issues with her and she is so defensive that anything I say or do doesn't have a chance of working.

My daughter is a good kid, but is a typical pre-teen. Her hormones are kicking in and any of you who have had pre-teen daughters knows what that is like. She is far from perfect and at times I get very frustrated trying to keep her focused and doing what she needs to do. But she is also at the age where talking to her and getting her to understand the consequences can go a long way in deterring the behavior.

Last night things came to a head when my boyfriend walked into the LR and saw her laying with her feet on the wall. Instead of just saying "get your feet off the wall so it won't mess us the paint," he just tore into her yelling at her and telling she was destroying the house. Of course, her natural reaction was to defend herself. I intervened, took him aside out of the ear shot of my daughter and talked to him about the need to yell at her all the time. I told him this relationship was not going to continue if he did not agree to quit yelling at my daughter and allow me to handle the discipline.

This erupted in to an all-out rage, with him telling me I was terrible mother and my kids were going to grow up to be terrorists and hoodlums, telling me I was a terrible housekeeper and didn't do anything around the house, continuing on with telling me that I was not good at my job, had no leadership skills and let people walk all over me. He hit at all the things I'm the most proud of and did it to hurt me. I stood my ground, telling him I was not going to raise my kids in a hostile environment. He told that if he left the relationship, he would destroy the kitchen that he and I just renovated (again going after something I'm very proud of.)

That's pretty much where it ended. He stayed out in the garage piddling with stuff. My daughter and I went to bed. He ended up sleeping in the recliner and was still asleep when we left for school and work.

Have you all dealt with an issue such as this, and if so, did you find anything to help make it better. I love him and want to share my life with him, but this one issue HAS to resolve itself. I won't raise my daughter in that atmosphere. I want her to grow up to be a strong, confident woman and this kind of environment can kill her self-esteem. I also don't want to set a bad example for her, and let her know that she does not have to ever take verbal and emotional abuse from anyone. She is aware of BPD and my belief that he has this illness, but is now beyond wanting to feel any compassion or understanding regarding it. She has lost all respect for him.

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[momtara]

If it's not the daughter, it'll be something else.  Otherwise you walk on eggshells.  I'm glad you stood up to him.  I wonder if you can also take your daughter aside and let her know what you said to him.  She may need to know that you're fighting for her.  He criticized the things you love most, so how do you think she feels?  It's probably even worse.  I don't want her to be affected by this. 

My hubby used to criticize my skills around the house, too, and I'm the only one who did anything.  It's just typical BPD verbal abuse.  Keep taking pride in all the good you do.

[committed]

thanks for your support, momtara. Yes, I did talk with her on the way to school this morning, told her that I did stand up for her and always will, but at the same time noted that this doesn't mean she gets away with things and talked about a few ways that she can also help the situation. It did not sit well. She wants me to make him leave.

I don't believe she would have felt this way a few months ago. She loved him. He picked her up from school and they would do things together. But he painted her black a couple of months ago. I don't even know why. She probably did something she wasn't supposed to and as most with BPD do, decided she was all evil and painted her black. If he would just lay off of her and become more of a mentor to her, I know she would come back around.

Yes, it is typical BPD behavior but I'm worried it is destroying my family. I also have a 21-year-old daughter who lives with us but is not home much between work and school. I'm to the point I don't even want to come home when I get off work, but know I have to so I'll be there for my daughter. ... .arrggghh!

[momtara]

I remember that feeling of not wanting to come home.  It got a little better after I sent my husband a lawyer letter about his behavior.  But I still caved.  I guess firm boundaries are the way.  Not always easy though.

[committed]

things were much better last night. He made a few snarky comments whenever I had to ask my daughter to do something - just routine things like helping with dinner, doing laundry etc... But I ignored them and went about my evening. He eventually stopped most of it, but would comment from time to time that my daughter was my issue and I said that is fine; I'm her mother and its my job to deal with her. I hope standing my ground let him know that I was serious.