I'll get it myself thanks

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

On my run today it occurred to me that one of the prominent features of my ex was manipulation

He was very passive, slow to suggest something to do etc. but he also played those closest to him. He relied on his parents for money but ran hot and cold with them. Obviously used to it, they often paid for him to avoid the drama inherent in a rebuttal.

And on my side, I am probably over-functioning and quick to pay for the bill and to sort any problem out. Probably too capable to the point where partners don't know how to add value.

But I have decided that I would rather be with people fighting over the bill than the passive types who stand a foot back at the register and two feet back within a relationship, you know?

For me, passivity and someone too slow with their wallet are the two main red flags I look for as I begin to date again.

BB12

[bb12]

On my run today it occurred to me that one of the prominent features of my ex was manipulation

He was very passive, slow to suggest something to do etc. but he also played those closest to him. He relied on his parents for money but ran hot and cold with them. Obviously used to it, they often paid for him to avoid the drama inherent in a rebuttal.

And on my side, I am probably over-functioning and quick to pay for the bill and to sort any problem out. Probably too capable to the point where partners don't know how to add value.

But I have decided that I would rather be with people fighting over the bill than the passive types who stand a foot back at the register and two feet back within a relationship, you know?

For me, passivity and someone too slow with their wallet are the two main red flags I look for as I begin to date again.

BB12

[fromheeltoheal]

To me it's not about who pays, it's the ability to have the conversation.  I make about 10 times what my ex made and I don't care about money, so I'd always freely spend on us both.  She had a problem with that and didn't tell me, couldn't communicate it and gave no sign that it was a problem, as we had fun together doing whatever.  Turns out the root of the problem was she saw it as a debt, I didn't, and also a loss of control, which is a big dealbreaker for her; she needs to be in a dictatorship to be what she calls 'happy'.  But the inability for her to bring it up and have an open, honest conversation was the main problem, and it showed up in all areas, not just money.

I didn't consider her passive, she was always overly aggressive if anything, but in the wrong direction.  There's a lot of talk on the boards about passivity lately, it's a new area of focus for me, and I'm thinking that at this point I was the passive one if anything, not in initiating activities, but certainly in day to day relationship, mostly because most things I brought up that didn't tow the party line caused an explosion. 

Communication man, it's critical and it's either there or it isn't, and we sucked at it.