A year later...

[mango_flower]

Haven't been here for a few months... .

I was feeling better for a bit, then she tried contacting me.

Email number one just said that sometimes she missed me and hoped I was ok (I didn't reply)

Email number two told me she'd been unwell lately and how was I? (I didn't reply)

And I had a friends request on fb (I ignored it)

This was all a month ago.  It made me anxious but at the same time, made me feel a little less worthless.

But since then, I feel depressed again. I haven't been going out, have pretty much pushed away all my friends, and just stay in every night watching TV.

I don't bother to look nice, people at work are saying things like "Oh you should try doing your hair like X, Y, Z, you are a pretty girl!" and even my Mum is telling me to make more of an effort. I've gained about 20lbs.

In the last few days, the friend request has been revoked on fb and that's made me feel even more worthless.  Selfishly, I liked seeing it there, as it reminded me that maybe somewhere deep down, she still cared.

And then this morning I bumped into a mutual friend, who took great delight in telling me how happy my ex seemed to be on fb (yeah, thanks) and how she has lost weight and looks stunning (yeah, so I then looked at her fb profile pic, and my friend was right - wow!).

The thing I can't get my head around is that my ex looks so HAPPY.  My friend told me that my ex has also added people from her past on fb, whereas when she was with me, she kept two profiles as she couldn't integrate her worlds.  

Now, she's been with her new fiancee for over a year now.  A little longer than she was with me. She never let me meet her old friends - now it seems she's introducing her new fiancee to everyone. All those people I didn't meet.  It's like she's finally becoming "whole".  

So I'm starting to doubt she has BPD at all, I mean, maybe she CAN be committed, maybe she DOESN'T always get triggered.  She's acting... .dare I say it... .normal?

On paper, if I write down all the things that she did, it screams BPD.  Lying, borrowing money and not paying it back, leaving every friendship/relationship suddenly, on a whim - and never talking to them again other than when she needs something.

But then I politely listen to my friend telling me all my ex's happy statuses (yeah I should have told her I didn't want to know) and maybe I have to accept that I just wasn't the right one... .maybe she has now found the right one.

And maybe they will live happily ever after.

What a blow to my self-esteem.

Part of me is happy for her, as I know she has issues and had a sad childhood.

The other part of me feeling like my self-esteem has taken a massive battering - I just wasn't right, I just wasn't enough, I clearly didn't make her feel safe enough, loved enough, etc etc.  My best just wasn't enough.

It hurts.

All I want to do is curl up and cry.

How can she cause such carnage and pain, and now have everything she ever wanted? (She's getting married soon).  She treated me so badly towards the end, lied, owes me so much money - and has got off scot free.

Now, I know some of you will just think "Oh but it's facebook, anyone can hide anything on fb!" but TRUST ME - if she is miserable, the whole world knows about it, from the dark moody statuses, to the sad faced selfies.

Trust me - my ex is still on cloud 9 after a year of being with this girl.

I just have to accept that.  I am so depressed and can't snap out of it.

I would never take her back but I still love her with every inch of my soul.

I don't know what I'm even asking for here... .I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Surnia]

Hi mango_flower

I hear your deep despair. I can understand that you are questioning what happened between you and her. 

I think you are doing some sort of reasoning here. That she  seems now happy must not mean she has not issues. Perhaps her actual rs fits just better.

More important I think is to keep going on your road of detaching. There is some more weight, could it be that you are slipped in a depression?

Do you work with a therapist?

Stay tuned, mango_flower.   

We are here for you.

[babyducks]

Hi Mango

a couple of quick thoughts.

first,  please consider that perhaps the honeymoon/idealization phase is lasting longer with her new interest.   It is a possibility. 

And if she has truly achieved some level of stability with her new interest,... and that is a big IF, that does not detract from YOU or what you are or how much you cared.

For me in my situation,... .my Ex couldn't self soothe, and I couldn't self validate... .so every time she let fly at me with harsh criticism, I accepted them at face value.

My Ex used externals to regulate her emotions.   I always defined my self esteem from externals, the people, things and events around me.   Both are unhealthy when taken to extremes.

You are a worthy, kind and unique individual.  You gave your all to a relationship that failed due to a very complicated and complex set of personality traits.   

Its normal to be depressed and withdrawn after a failed relationship.  Don't listen to those garbage thoughts that pop into your head.

And I would suggest that your value, either now or when you were in your relationship is NOT tied to your Ex and what she is or isn't doing.

babyducks

[mango_flower]

Thank you Surnia - yes, I am no stranger to depression and I feel it taking hold again.

Maybe her new fiancee is a better fit, yes.  But I did everything I possibly could, I exhausted the depths of my soul trying to be understanding, compassionate, supportive.  And it just wasn't enough.  I made one or two mistakes towards the end when I was exhausted, maybe wasn't supportive enough, and that's where I messed up.

I am now seeing that there are other people out there who maybe are more laid back, less anxious... .so why would anyone else want me?  When there are other better people?

I have no money for a therapist, and work so many hours I couldn't fit one in, other than weekends (which are all private ones, so would be expensive)

She was my first "real" love, so I have nothing to compare to - but I felt like my life had finally started - all those years of emptiness had come to an end (yes, I have my own little issues but am pretty normal other than being quite intelligent and thus searching a lot for the meaning of life).

It kills me to think she could be looking back now thinking "Wow, I'm so much happier, that relationship was NOTHING" - when I gave it my all.

I feel like my life is done - I've done everything I wanted to.  I have travelled to the places I want to go. I have volunteered abroad.  I have been to university, done (and am doing) the job I wanted.  I have been in love.  There is nothing left to do.  (PLEASE NOTE, I AM NOT SUICIDAL - I COULD NEVER DO THAT, EVER!).  People tell me to set new goals, but nothing really excites me.

I'm just... .stuck.  And need closure in my own head so I can move on.

But I can't get it because I have this nagging doubt that it was me, that I just wasn't enough.  I thought she was my soulmate.  No matter her lies, her brokenness - I can't stop loving her - yet she didn't need me at all - that is so painful to admit.

Babyducks - Thank you for your response just now - I appreciate it.   I know I need to take her off her pedestal. But regardless of all her bad traits, she has a beautiful heart deep down and for somebody that kind and sensitive in many ways to not love me anymore, it has battered my self esteem.  Yes, she may still be in the honeymoon phase... .I don't know.  I just wish she hadn't have sent me those emails saying she missed me sometimes - I think that gave me hope that her new relationship was fading (which would have given me some validation) and then to find out it's not, really hurt me. (not that I want her to be sad and depressed again like she was at the end of our relationship!) Why can't she just leave me alone if she's so happy?

[babyducks]

Why can't she just leave me alone if she's so happy?

Have you told her that it would be better for you if you had no contact with her?   Said something like, I am just not in a place to be able to converse right now?  People who have the traits of BPD have an attachment disorder... .they don't let go the way you and I would.

Mango,  I understand about the depression.   I too lean towards depression on the spectrum and have to fight to keep it at bay. 

It kills me to think she could be looking back now thinking "Wow, I'm so much happier, that relationship was NOTHING" - when I gave it my all.

I want to point out,  as kindly as possible,... .that is YOUR thinking, not hers.   You've no way of knowing what she is or isn't thinking.   Its equally possible that she is thinking,... "Oh I have to settle for this new r/s when I once had Mango Flower".

ducks

[mango_flower]

Thanks Babyducks - that actually made me smile a little - a little part of me knows that deep down she will always know how much I loved her, and when she has a bad day, perhaps she'll think back to that. I do hope so. But at the same time, I do want her to be settled and happy - just not quite so "over the moon" as she seems to be! (selfish, I know... .)

No, I haven't engaged with her at all.  When she deleted me suddenly off fb with no reason, no warning, and then had the cheek to email me a few weeks later asking why I hadn't wished her a happy birthday... .at that point, I just stopped replying to anything from her.  I'm sure she should be able to work out by now that I don't want any correspondence.  My head tells me that is the right thing to do, though of course my heart selfishly wishes that she misses me and flip-flopped when I got those 2 emails from her out of the blue.

I hate feeling so incongruent!   I'm going to make myself go out to do some xmas shopping now, take my mind off things.  Problem is, I keep seeing things everywhere that I know she'd have loved, and it just makes me feel even sadder!

Have a nice Saturday

[willtimeheal]

Mango flower

I haven't been on these boards for a long time and now I am back as well. Please know you are not alone and your ex IS mentally ill. The reason she continues to contact you is to check if you are still part of her sick game. My unexBPDgf told me everyday how much she loved me. That her life was  full and  her heart was full with me. That she messed up so many times and couldn't believe that I forgave her. My response as let's just move forward. In the last month she started pulling away and said she just needed time to work on herself. I gave their that time. This week while driving home I saw her car at a guy's house. I watched as he goT in the car and they kissed. As much as this hurt it was also validation for me that I am not crazy. She is mentally ill and toxic. I will admit as toxic as she I still hope deep down she will message me but I know she is pure danger to me

Try to stay busy and push yourself to see friends. What ever you ex is showing  on the outside know that she lives in a pure hell. There is nothing wrong with you. I as asking myself that same question and someone on this board Pointed out that is not a good direction to go. Don't fill your mind with negative thoughts. Hang in there. 

[Surnia]

Yes, Mangoflower,

You did your best with her! And sometimes we have to acknowledge we do our best and and the outcome is not like we would like to have it. Its out of our control. 

If you can't afford a T perhaps this side would be an option: https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

[mango_flower]

Thanks Surnia - have signed up and done the initial quizzes.  Good find!

[seeking balance]

Hey Mango_Flower,

Sorry you are hurting over this and doubting yourself - I do know these feelings as they happen to me sometimes too.

The thing is, it just takes time - your scars are still a bit raw and the contact pushes that initial doubt.  What helped me the first time I was shaken like you are was to go back to my initial posts here so I could see how bad it was and how far I had come... .gave me a little peace and hope.

These relationships tend to effect us at a soul level - so when they SEEM happy and our lives don't quite like like we thought or we have any little nagging thing (ie - gaining weight) it feels even more amplified.  Remember those core issues of our own - those very ones that get pushed when we get enmeshed - they are not gone totally.  We just learn how to manage them is all - and that is good enough really.

Good job coming here - it is a healthy outlet, a safe place.  This is you managing that core stuff in a healthy way.

It's ok to be a bit depressed, eventually you will do what you did before... .dust yourself off and get back into life... .it will be ok again.

She is disordered... .only disordered people continue contact after what she did to you and when you didn't respond, she tried to manipulate you in the same old ways (saying she was unwell) - you deserve better and you know it!

Just because she looks stunning on the outside, doesn't mean she isn't a hot mess still on the inside... .you know the truth.

Be kind to you, cry it out, get some exercise in to move the emotion through - it will be ok - honestly, you won't feel like this always.

Peace,

SB

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi Mango,

I'm sorry you are feeling down.

SeekingBalance is right. You are only one year out. That's not a long time. When I was one year out from my relationship with the ex (who reminds me a lot of yours, and our relationship reminds me of yours, and you remind me of me, and we were also same sex) I was very much still attached. It took me about two years to climb out of the hole of despair, and sometimes it still returns. But that doesn't mean that I am not healing, and on some level, I think I will always feel pain regarding the ex. And that's just how it goes. It doesn't mean the relationship was a good one or that we should have stayed together. Sometimes a person will affect us so deeply that it changes us, and accepting that is part of the healing.

I too think that your ex contacting you the way she did is odd. Very odd. Would you do that? Would I? I wouldn't dream of it, and neither would you. What does that tell you about your ex and how much she's changed in fundamental ways? 

I kicked myself for over a year and blamed myself for our relationship's failure. The ex sure helped me with this, as she blamed me for everything. That was the worst, the guilt and regret. I now see things very differently. I've never been in another relationship where I've felt such guilt and regret, and that's because the relationships were more healthy, and there was respect and understanding and closure. Not in BPD relationships, where we all take the blame, it seems. At least until we begin to see the light.

You are in a down spell right now and are doubting yourself all over again. Try to just let the thoughts come and then go, and breathe. Remind yourself of the madness, make a list of the crazy or even just unkind and unfair things she did. Have a glass of wine and know you are doing the best you can, and you did your best.

Also, if it were me, I'd ditch the "friend" who continually reminds you of the ex. That is weird. What kind of friend does that?

Hang in there... .

[delusionalxox]

Hi Mango I am also back.

I am very sorry to hear you doubting yourself like this. Clearly you are a sensitive and intelligent person and a deep thinker.

While frankly,  your ex sounds like a shallow, manipulative, attention seeking person. Does she REALLY have such a 'beautiful heart' underneath? It sure doesn't sound like it! She left you without proper explanation and owing you lots of money she hasn't bothered to pay back... .very beautiful!

I think you are idealising her and I wonder why, I guess it is those deep and intense feelings of attachment BPD individuals can inspire in us codependents.

When I look at my ex with the benefit of a bit of distance I see a self obsessed person, deeply childish to  the point of cruelty, moody, self indulgent, narcissistic, self-justifying, hypocritical... all these things I saw before yet I viewed him through rose tinted lenses. I saw the beautiful and sweet-talking Latin sex god    who sometimes looked at me with total adoration and told me such beautiful things. Who told me he loved me more than he had loved anyone in his life, that he adored me and would love me forever, that he would marry me and make my kids his own. It was all bullhit. As you know, he abandoned me pregnant and cheated on me for months.

Your ex was the same. A sort of mirage. Or pieces of a person that never could become a whole.

Whoever she is marrying will come to regret it, I'm pretty certain of that. 

[really]

Hi mango flower.   Your posts always resonate with me.   I have felt very much as you describe.   It has been a long painful journey towards healing and feel like I am I a slow train to that destination that keeps breaking down or making unscheduled stops but am on that train and have to keep going till I get to that place called peace.    Thoughts are with you.   

[mango_flower]

Thank you so much all 

SeekingBalance - yes, you're so right - things feel amplified now because she's happy and I'm not... .I need to find my own happiness, that I know.

It made me giggle the words "hot mess"

Slowlybutsurely - thank you!  Always good to hear from somebody who is a little further out, and can relate to the situation. Yes, the contacting was odd, very odd.  I was definitely surprised but sadly it did validate me.  So whilst her gf is apparently all over facebook saying how much in love she is and how my ex is "the one", it reminds me that this is just HER perception and it certainly doesn't mean my ex is fixed... .it's tough because I don't want my ex to suffer, but it hurts seeing her have everything she ever wanted! (Makes me feel like a horrible person)

Delusional - hey   So sorry you're back too!  You're right, I am going to try to be objective - in fact, I will write up a list now of all the bad stuff!

Really - Thank you   again, it does help to know I am not crazy and there are others on this journey too.

Thank you all!

[Ironmanrises]

Trust me - my ex is still on cloud 9 after a year of being with this girl.

That is idealization. If your ex is portraying this, remember what happens after idealization, when the trigger day comes that brings about the transformation to that other side. "Cloud 9 after a year with her" you write; just imagine the fall that unfortunate person, who is you now, will undergo. That person will encounter that other side too. Not that any of this takes away your hurt, i know, i truly understand that. You experienced her abnormal behavior. It hasnt disappeared. It is just laying dormant until she gets triggered.

[mango_flower]

Thanks Ironmanfalls - I woke up with a slight shift in my mood this morning (for the better) and am thinking that some of these posts sunk in overnight

Yes, I think she probably will get triggered at some point - in our relationship it just came about sooner rather than later.

And I think it's actually a GOOD thing it's not happening yet, because the further out I am, the less likely she will get back in touch when it does... .I remember when she had her melt-down with me, she ended up contacting everyone from her past, people she'd fallen out with before, reaching out to get back into their lives... .and I know I'm not strong enough to deal with that just yet.

She just needs to stay happy and stay away from me!

Also, I realised that my happiness and hers are not mutually exclusive - we can both be happy in life, right?  Whether she is or isn't happy shouldn't have any bearing on my own happiness.

Thanks all!  I really appreciate your wise words x

[ScotisGone74]

Unfortunately looking happy and fit for some photos does not exclude one from being mentally ill.   These people are masters of manipulation, and facebook just makes it even more so. 

If you are basing how you feel upon whether someone on FB friends or retracts a request then you have more work to do on yourself honestly.   Lol-This is their Game!   Yoyo you up and down!.   Get out of THEIR game, play your own.

And also I would consider going NC with that 'mutual friend' of yours, if they are delighted in causing you pain and they are still in contact with the exBPD you will never know what all they may be up to.   

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi Mango,

Glad you are feeling a bit better.

I wanted to add one more thing, besides the fact that you need to dump your supposed "friend" who torments you with upbeat updates.  

Maybe you could think about why it matters so much to you that you are nice/think good thoughts for your ex? It seems to be very important to you to wish her well and be happy that she is happy. How about trying not giving a sh8t?     I personally would never get down on myself for thinking angry ungenerous thoughts of my ex. It's normal. I am not a saint, and on occasions where I try to find it in myself to wish her well and fail, I just chalk it up to the horror and  pain that was my experience. I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I can smile knowing she's blissfully happy with someone else. And I don't care. I think sometimes in same-sex female relationships, there gets to be an almost overwhelming sense of sisterhood/motherhood, god knows what (I speak from personal experience of such relationships), and when breakups happen, people can't do the normal see ya later I never want to hear from your sorry ___ again thing, which can be helpful to recovery.

Just a thought. You don't owe it to her to wish her well and be joyous for her joy, which isn't even really joy as we know. She's not your problem anymore.

[clairedair]

things feel amplified now because she's happy and I'm not... .

Hi Mango-Flower,

just catching up on your return - good to see you around but sorry about the circumstances.

Just wanted to pick up on what you said about things feeling 'amplified'.  I was watching an episode of NCIS last night (what I do when I don't feel like being 'connected' to others/sociable) and one of the characters said something like "trauma intensifies memories". 

I thought this was an interesting comment - OK, it was a fictional character in a 'cop' show that said it but it rang true for me and I felt a little better about still having all this stuff going round and round in my head and feeling so raw more than a year after our last break-up.

Although relieved not to be in the midst of the drama and chaos, having almost no contact has meant there has been space and time to have many memories come to the surface.  The hurts would come to the surface in the past but the frequency of the drama and chaos meant that I never really processed them or fully dealt with them.

Harder to deal with this when we believe that they have wandered off into the sunset but as ScotIsGone74 says, "Get out of their game; play your own".  We really don't know what's going on when we don't have contact and so it's a waste of time starting to wonder about their lives.

Just need to take my own advice 

take care,

Claire

  (nothing to do with your post but I just put our tree up and am feeling Christmassy - hope you find some Christmas joy if even for a short while)