Question: Does your BPD really know you?

[nevermore]

It is obvious to me that my mother has no idea who I really am. She sees me through her BPD eyes and wants to see a person who mirrors her. Does your BPD "know" you?

[Deb]

Not at all. My dBPD sis once said to me (about another woman) "She believes exactly like we do!" And I remember thinking "You have absolutely no idea what I believe!"

[nevermore]

  Deb, My mother starts a lot of sentences with "If you are anything like me... ."   I'm not.

[Deb]

My sister would never start a conversation like that. Because she just "KNOWS" that we think/feel/believe alike. If I shared an opinion different than hers, she would give me the strangest look. A very puzzled "what's wrong with you" look. I finally began to understand after I read a book called, I think, "Controlling People."

[Maude]

My mom doesn't know me, either. She thinks she does. But like you said, nevermore, she wants me to mirror her. I'm supposed to like what she likes. She "decides" things about me that she thinks are true and then gets mad when I tell her that particular thing isn't true, such as:

me: "I don't really like antiques." 

my mom:  "Ugh. Yes you do. You've always loved antiques. You used to go with me to antique shops all the time."

In other words, she won't believe me when I tell her my likes/dislikes or my reasons for doing things. She'll disagree with me and tell me what my likes/dislikes and reasons really are. She'll note my actions from like 20 years ago as evidence to prove her point. As if she knows me better than I know myself, and as if I haven't changed in 20 years.

[Cheshire]

Until I came into full awareness of the length and breadth of my enmeshed history with my UBPDM, I believed her when she said she knew me. She never did, though. When I last contradicted this belief, she told me, "I know you, I know you because I made you. I will always know you." Ugh... .Creep-factor 9.

I celebrated 2 years since I went no-contact, a month ago. Best life decision ever. Not easy, but so much clearer, by the day. 

[nevermore]

Congrats on the two year NC.  That is quite accomplishment.  My mother has tried to pick out a few gifts for me and they are always things she would like but not at all my taste.  She also tells us we "owe" her. I guess that goes back to statement your mother made about "making us."      I would love to see my mother answer questions about me.  I bet she wouldn't get a single one right.  During her last rage she called me "lazy".  I am practically ADD with having to be buys but that is just one example of how little she knows about me. 

[Coral]

My BPD sister can't tolerate it if she and I have differing viewpoints.  It's like it gets seared on her brain.  If I say something that's contrary to what I've said before, she'll leap on it.

[larmieq]

No, my uBPD mom does not know me.  She thinks she does.  She thinks the feelings I had as a kid are them same I have now.  She will argue with me when I tell her I am different now.

[Deb]

Coral,

Have you read that book "Controlling People"? It really explained a lot to me.

[redroom]

Not in the slightest.  In fact, when faced with facts, she'll twist them to fit her view of me.

Here's an example:  When I was in my early 20's, my uBPDm mentioned to me (in her slimy, manipulative, flattering way) that when I was growing up, most of my friends were outcasts.  The few times I did have friends, they were usually from broken homes, often in trouble, from very poor families, etc. 

She then made the comment that she thought that I always chose "that kind of person" to be my friend because I believed I could help them.  I was shocked, primarily because I chose my friends because I could relate to them.  They had difficult lives, and so did I.  I was completely blown away at how clueless she really is. 

[larmieq]

Redroom, my uBPD mom, who is a family counselor, likes to diagnose all my friends with mental disorders.  I used to distance myself from friends she "diagnosed"  thinking they were not healthy people to be around.  Now I see she was trying to manipulate things so I had no friends and she could continue her enmeshment with me.

[nevermore]

Yesterday I had a family gathering for Thanksgiving. All of my family was here.  My BPD mother, out of the blue, said something about how there is a move to stop teaching cursive writing in schools. She followed that with "Nevermore can't tell time or make change!"  She shouted that out as I was slaving over her dinner.  I have a Master's degree and I assure you I can make change and tell time.  WOW.  I could not believe it.  Of all the stupid, disrespectful things to do while waiting to sit down at my dining room table.  She is a nearly 90 year old ball of bitterness and hate.

[linusham]

Mine doesn't know me at all. But she loves to make prounouncements on who I am. Such as I am so controlling or jealous. Her views of me are always to put me down.

She can't stand anyone disagreeing with her either and will endlessly rant until you state she is right. In fact she's recently become super religious, I mean cult like conversion oriented religious. Because I don't agree with her views or want to hear her endless rants and lectures she's become very disregulated. She is now freaking out and having major meltdowns all the time because mom and I don't agree with her when she lectures us on sin and our sinful wasteful lives.

So yeah, doesn't know me at all but thinks she's the worlds expert on me.

[chickadee]

No, uBPD mom doesn't know me.   

They don't know who we are because they're not really interested.  They only know what they want us to be, and what they expect us to be.  If we fall short, then we're accused of being selfish and unfeeling. 

I've had NC since 2007, and it has been such a relief to be able to just be myself. 

[Bracken]

" I know you because I made you. I will always know you." Ugh... .Creep-factor 9.

That is SO telling --

As if parenting is just about OWNING someone --

[Sitara]

I agree with pretty much everything said here.  My mom doesn't know me.  Once, my husband bought me a present related to one of my interests and my mom made the comment of "why would you want that?"  It was something I had spent years doing - how could she not realize I was interested in it?

[Contradancer]

Neither my BPD mother, nor anyone else in my immediate family, has a single clue who I am. I'm mostly okay with that because I have a sweetheart and close friends who very much know who I am.  Don't dismiss close friends as your real family.  I gave up decades ago on my biological family.