Should I runaway from my problems?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just wanting to know if anyone out there left their BPD ex and the state to recover? I'm trying to decide where to live, I'm sort of worried about going back to Melbourne where he is as I'm not sure of my willpower if he contacts me but I have heaps of family and friends there. I am visiting Perth and it's beautiful but only know tie people and worried I'll get lonely but do I need a fresh start! I resent him for putting me in this position even though I'm the one that left and I can still go back. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back but then I get messages like below and wonder if I should get my head read!



Unfortunately, I dont enjoy having your parents stay over and never did and never will.  No, you say I was offended so thats why I could attend the dinner! Really just leave me alone! I was offended too but your just interested in protecting them. hit off head wrecking me and leave me alone, after everything still nothing has changed with you. I have no future at all with your comments and thoughts being the same as a year ago!

[loz1982]

Just wanting to know if anyone out there left their BPD ex and the state to recover? I'm trying to decide where to live, I'm sort of worried about going back to Melbourne where he is as I'm not sure of my willpower if he contacts me but I have heaps of family and friends there. I am visiting Perth and it's beautiful but only know tie people and worried I'll get lonely but do I need a fresh start! I resent him for putting me in this position even though I'm the one that left and I can still go back. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back but then I get messages like below and wonder if I should get my head read!



Unfortunately, I dont enjoy having your parents stay over and never did and never will.  No, you say I was offended so thats why I could attend the dinner! Really just leave me alone! I was offended too but your just interested in protecting them. hit off head wrecking me and leave me alone, after everything still nothing has changed with you. I have no future at all with your comments and thoughts being the same as a year ago!

[GreenMango]

I did. 

It was good and bad.  Things had gotten pretty conflict riddled to point of getting threatened with a smear campaign so time away was a needed break.   I had to go back though that was tough because I delayed dealing with things while away and i kept pushing back returning. .   Good Old fashioned avoidance.

Safe places and safe people are great to spend time with.

That message from him sounds like you two might be talking occasionally - which is fine.  Is he sending you message rants out of the blue and out of context like this or this part of a larger conversation?  The reason I ask is it sounds like a circular conversation.   If you are looking to have conversations with the person using some of the staying board toolbox communication skills are a must to avoid circular conversations.

[santa]

Greenmango,

I agree that being in a safe place with safe people is a big deal. My ex was violent and it kept me constantly in disarray. While not being with her anymore has been heartbreaking, I think that having a safe place to live where I'm not afraid of my BPD throwing a tantrum and having to sleep in a locked closet, etc., has given me a much better life. People need the comfort of safety and if your partner threatens that, you are always going to be out of sorts. I think having distance between us is helping me as well because I was a bit afraid of her and not having to worry about being confronted by her is a relief.

As a man, it is difficult because it's embarrassing to say that you are "afraid" of your partner or "intimidated" by them when they're a woman. The reality is that you can definitely defend yourself against them effectively in an actual fight. The problem is that when you're dealing with a woman, you can't defend yourself because then you become the villain. So, your only option really is to sit there and take it. If your partner is aggressive, it makes it really hard. Being abused was really weird for me. Of course, as soon as I'd had enough and kicked the absolute sh!t out of her, then I became the bad guy. So, basically the only option is to run for cover... . which I tried to do. The girl kept breaking into my house and coming at me all crazy/fatal attractionally and it really freaked me out though. When someone pulls a knife on you and picks the lock to your place and tells you a restraining order can't help you, what else can you do? The whole thing was sick.

I feel so glad to be away from her with my sanity intact.

[fromheeltoheal]

In the end we had a long distance relationship, so it was as easy as not going to see her anymore; she didn't have the resources to come to where I am.

The strongest way is probably to detach while still physically close and with limited contact.  I learned that if we completely sever all contact, which I did initially, all we have is the memory of them at their worst and us still emotionally enmeshed and in pain, going insane.  Mine contacted me a couple of times months after I left her, and by then I'd gotten my feet on the ground and discovered and learned about BPD, so all her manipulation attempts and projection were transparent, I saw right through them immediately, something I couldn't have done when I was with her, and it really helped in detachment; nothing better than a borderline acting ridiculous to confirm my decision.

But the important thing is to take care of you.  If you're honest with yourself, is being in the same city too much right now?  There's value in stretching, but not overstretching.

[loz1982]

I could really use those tools Green Mango as they are circular conversations that get nowhere and I just end up getting put down or blamed. It will just start from a comment and will be like 5 hours of messages, he is just gets frustrated as I'm trying to talk sense into him and just state the facts. Never do I have a go at him, the worst I've said is he is mean but he gets real personal and it hurts! Would love to know a more effective way to communicate! On the Staying Board you say?

Maybe being in the same city will be a bit much for me I do feel very vulnerable when it comes to him. The last thing he said to me was sorry for being him, now he is the victim apparently!

[Learning_curve74]

Hey loz, if you have legal matters to still discuss with him, then the communication tools on the Staying board will help.

It is not necessary to continue a circular argument. You can read about that here: How to stop a circular argument.

Do you have a need to be "right" or for him to believe your point of view? Why, will the facts change depending on what he believes? Have the facts ever changed his behaviors or has he always been stuck in his ways in the same responses?

[GreenMango]

Loz it might be good to sit down and see where you want to go with this relationship.   Learning curve put up a good link.   Are these conversations a way to see if the relationship is salvageable?

Because the approach is going to be different than say someone who is leaving our divorcing and trying to manage the breakup communication vs someone who wants to see if they try communicating and getting on the same page seeing whether the relationship is workable.

Just a thought but if this is on your mind take some time with your decision to move too.  One you sort thru where you are at emotionally you might find the answer to moving comes a little easier.  There's a big difference between moving to eliminate danger and moving to start a new chapter in your life.

[loz1982]

There is no legal matters learning curve I guess I have just felt the need to defend myself and my family. Also I see glimpses of clarity in him so it gives me hope. Nope def don't need to be right, I would always admit if I was wrong but yes would like him to see my point of view, understand it wasn't something small that happened that has got us here and broken up. He keep saying you need to to let go because I see things black and white my way and I haven't opened my eyes and let go. I'm sorry but my parents were devastated with his treatment of them tried for months to talk to him but he didn't want too, after the 3rd time of hurting them they gave up never getting an apology! I mean should I just forget about that let him off the hook! Accept when he says that he has no respect for me! That I'm insecure and don't have a backbone or voice, this supposedly coming from someone who still loves me. What happened didn't need to and he needs to take responsibility everyone else can see this but him! Yes Green Mango I responded because I wanted to see if the relationship was salvageable and sometimes he gives me glimpses of maybe being so but then give it a week and it changes, no consistency and I need that from him to get my faith back!

[GreenMango]

At this pso you think you are done?  Or are you waiting to see if he calms down?

[loz1982]

I think I'm done because I can wait till he calms down and is nice but I can't trust his emotions over the 4 months I have left he has contradicted himself so many times I don't know what to believe anymore. I really miss him but it doesn't feel anything has changed in the time I have gone. He has alienated my parents that much and hurt them that they never want to see him again and he just thinks come back they will come around. I can't lose my parents over this and I shouldn't have too. He just doesn't seem to realise the enormity of what damage he has done. Having no respect from your SO for no reason at all is also so hard for me to take. I say all of this and just want to ring him and see where his heads at. So messed up I know!