Torn between avoidance and confrontation

[Dog biscuit]

The thing thats gets me really down in this whole ordeal is the fact that I feel so inadequate to respond to all that is happening.

The only way I know how to respond is to fight back or to confront, and I do neither. And it feels wrong, it feels so passive and weak. I let my ex have it all, our friends and our shared social circle without me even putting up a fight. And the result is that I am the one that's isolated. It feels so unfair, and I feel so vulnerable and weak. I let myself down because I fear more hurt. I dont want to be affraid, there was nothing done "wrong" by me.

I dont know how to accept this and let it rest. I try to take my loss and to let it all go, but is it the right way to go? I feel like I should fight for my place, instead of letting it all go.

My best friend is choosing his side, by staying "neutral"and by not contacting me anymore. I would like to confront her about how she let me down, but whats the point? But I feel I should call her up and tell her how I feel about this! Arggh.

I want to voice my anger, but I am to scared. Why am I so scared to stand up for myself? It makes me feel even more bad about myself. I feellike a coward who is hiding out.

How did any of you handle these feelings?  

[heartandwhole]

Dog biscuit,

You are going through a lot right now, I'm sorry that you are hurting.     You are asking great questions and digging deep, I commend you for your courage to look at your issues, because it can be very difficult.

You are definitely not alone in your feelings, I can relate to the withdrawal that you are speaking about.  I do that, too, when I am very hurt, and I understand when you say "What's the point?" because I think the same.  "I'm going to have to deal with my pain alone, as always, so why try to find understanding from anyone else?  They won't be there for me, anyway." (just a little taste of my mind chatter)

It's very normal to feel afraid of standing up for yourself – you might "lose" more people, and that is scary for anyone.  I think it's important for you to express your feelings to your friends and loved ones.  There are ways to do it without being offensive, if that is what you are worried about.  If it were me, I'd wait until I felt a little more balanced in my emotions, if possible.  I like to write it out, too.

Dog biscuit, are you able to let the feelings move through you without getting stuck in blame and stinking thinking?  I try to focus on bodily sensations and not so much on the mind chatter.  It's a real challenge, but it helps.  Also, vigorous physical exercise helps me a lot, too.

It you'd like to express your feelings in writing, we're here!  Write it out, say what you want to say to your friend here, and we will listen.  Then maybe you'll feel more comfortable talking to her in person.

When you are ready to speak to your friend about your feelings, we have lots of tools here to help, like:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

Keep writing, Dog biscuit.  We're here for you. 

[growing_wings]

hi Dog biscuit

Indeed, sorry you are going throuigh this... . keep moving, as you told me, baby steps... baby steps.

How did i handle? i picked the people that really mattered for me (3 people, 2 were personal friendships one was from work), and i approached them and told them the truth, the WHOLE entire truth. Use the technique that Heartandhole describes above... I stuck to the facts... and told them why i was telling them that.

The 3 people thanked me for my honesty, and i got them back.

For the rest, i didnt want to waste my energy chasing people i didnt care. I read a lot about BPD and Narc vilification campaigns, and most explain that if you let time pass without making much fuss for the majority of the people, they will realize that the person launching the vilification campaign was wrong, you WILL have your time to tell the truth, but do it when the emotions are more calmed... and you can share it all with a cool head. that WILL be much better.

i did above, and hurt like hell (it still hurts) but she has now stopped her vilification campaign, it can go for so long as long as you dont FEED it more, if you respond with strong accusations and wanting to defend yourself (which is what i wanted to do), they might see you as the "unstable one"...

i saw it as a strategy LONG term game.  This is for the long run, he is acting in the short run, you are going for the marathon. Hang in there, PICK the people that are importnat to you and talk to them, tell them the whole and entire truth. dont get emotional while doing that... keep calm... keep rational.

that is how id ealt with it... and so far has been ok.

as my T said, your ex will run out of stories to tell about you, people will want to know at the beginning, but later they WILL get bored too... . this will run its course, let it pass... .

hope it helps...   stay strong.