blow up this am

[lotus74]

Thanks to all that replied to my introduction post.  I know that it has been a while since I last posted.

My hwBPD has been trying really hard to modify his behavior and we are getting closer and our relationship is improving.  I guess that my problem is that I tend to get comfortable when things are going well and then when he gets upset and blows something out of proportion, that it catches me off guard and I inevitably fall back into the trap of defending, explaining, etc.

We have been navigating issues all week with success; he would have hurt feelings about something; I would validate his feelings without defending myself and I would leave the topic alone.  He would then come to me later and calmly explain his feelings and why he was hurt and how he could see both sides of the situation.  All of this is good and I guess gave me a false sense of security that I could be honest with him.  

This morning we woke up early to be intimate before he went to work.  It was nice and I enjoyed it very much.  Later as he was getting ready to leave he asked me how I liked the sex this morning.  I told him that it was good and I enjoyed being with him.  He pushed further into specifics about my orgasm and I told him it was good... .I may have had a slight hesitation in my voice and he picked up on this and pushed it further.  I was honest with him and essentially told him that it was good but not the greatest, hinting that I wanted to try again later.  My hwBPD blew this up and interpreted this to mean that I wasn't into him and I didn't want to be with him.  I tried to reassure him that I love him very much and that I feel closer to him that I have in a long time and I loved being with him this morning, but now he is done and he just doesn't even want to try to have sex anymore.  I made the mistake of letting my feelings be hurt back and that compromised my ability to stay emotionally neutral and navigate the situation.  The conversation ended this morning with him in the car on the way to work and me sobbing on the phone :'(  I hope that I haven't been too personal here.  

I guess my question is how can I be honest with my husband in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings?  I thought that I was being gentle and tactful.  He realizes that he has put me through a lot in the past ( 1 past affair, emotional abuse, and a long time of not being into me) and now he thinks that he has ruined everything between us and it is too late to fix it or make it better despite his valiant efforts.  I feel like if I had just lied this morning it would have avoided all this drama.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Glad to see you back! 

You aren't being too personal, the topic of sex does come up here.  You might want to consider posting your question over on the Staying Board.  We have a lot of good tools over there to have these kinds of conversations, and the environment is super supportive. 

We advocate a few communication tools to help with difficult conversations, and they are discussed frequently over there. 

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, lotus74 & 

I really feel for you; when trying to be honest with our BPD loved one without hurting his feelings, it can really be tricky... .briefcase is right, folks on the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner Board will have some advice and insights for you into this frustrating situation.

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on [L4] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder. Something to check out first is here: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband, is to stay around and continue to post your story and your questions (here, or if you are ready, at the Staying Board where you will get more focused replies to this sort of thing). And then read, read, read all the Links you will find to the right-hand side of that page on the Staying Board. It really will help   

[Seneca]

Hi Lotus. I don't think I have anything helpful to say, but I understand. The extreme sensitivity, the sense of hope and peace you get in the times they aren't disregulating, how they suddenly act out out of nowhere when things have been good, losing your cool and getting sucked into the circular arguments, hysterics, illogic. The feeling that it would just be easier to lie and not try to give them any of your important thoughts or feelings  or truth because it will be used against you at some point. ALL of it. And I am so so sorry. 

the mods are right, these specific questions are best on the "staying" forum

[an0ught]

Hi lotus74,

took the liberty to relocate the thread to the staying forum  . Sounds like you studied already a lot and have progressed well into the material  .

We have been navigating issues all week with success; he would have hurt feelings about something; I would validate his feelings without defending myself and I would leave the topic alone.  He would then come to me later and calmly explain his feelings and why he was hurt and how he could see both sides of the situation.  All of this is good and I guess gave me a false sense of security that I could be honest with him.  

Yeah, that is perplexing indeed. It takes a while to get your head around it. You do everything right and suddenly boom. There are several aspects to it:

1) you can't do it perfectly right all the time. There will be blow ups and as he can't control them once underway (neither can you) these things will happen for a while.

2) perfection is unreachable. A healthy relationship has a ratio of 1:5 of invalidating:validating exchanges. You may be better than that (I doubt it as doing it in an unhealthy relationship is very hard). Cut yourself some slack!

3) you build awareness on your side that he needs validating  communication. And it works. But then you think when he is calm you can just jump on him in the old way. Nope. It takes time to accept that he is truly different from the way you assumed him to be and he always has a strong preference in how he receives communication.

I guess my question is how can I be honest with my husband in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings?  I thought that I was being gentle and tactful.  He realizes that he has put me through a lot in the past ( 1 past affair, emotional abuse, and a long time of not being into me) and now he thinks that he has ruined everything between us and it is too late to fix it or make it better despite his valiant efforts.  I feel like if I had just lied this morning it would have avoided all this drama.

You already got the SET link and that is the way to go here. But then it is also important to acknowledge to yourself and be open that he has hurt you in the past.   You may be able to build a well working relationship again over time. Right now you are not doing so well as a couple and in the past it was bad. When it come to using SET it is important to respect the facts. Besides it is critical to acknowledge the facts (not his conclusions) to avoid invalidating him.

Have you watched this video: https://bpdfamily.blogspot.de/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html

How is it going right now?

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Lotus74!

I get what you're saying oh so well! That being lulled into the sense that you're in a "normal" relationship and can stop filtering every tiny thing out of your mouth. Plus, I recognize the way you feel oh so gutted over "wrecking it" by saying the wrong thing, because we have been conditioned to beat ourselves up over our loved one's dysregulation. It's as if we've taken every part of the r/s that's difficult and stirred it all together in a Kitchenaid mixer, but we haven't put the ingredients in in the right order, we just dumped everything into one big bowl of feelings.

I know I need to remind myself that when my uBPDh dysregulates, it's still his deal. Sure, there are things I can do that will often hold the damage to a minimum, but not always, since he is the one who is dysregulating, it's still his behavior. And yes, we want to have our filters in place so we keep things more peaceful, but we are after all just regular people without superpowers, and we're gonna mess up! It happens.

I've been where you are but in different situations, where I've been lulled into that state of feeling like our r/s is pretty darn good at the moment. But don't forget, their feeling of the moment equals Truth at the moment, so what he sees as "rejection" of the moment becomes an overlying Truth to him just then, and he is still struggling to keep things in proper perspective. Instead of seeing that you were commenting on that one time, to him it's become the Greater Truth. And the hardest part for you? Don't buy into it. Keep your own presence of mind even though you've stepped in a big BPD mudpuddle and know/believe that it was just this one episode, and you get to model the better reaction by not buying into the drama.

It doesn't really matter how far you've fallen into the BPD drama, at whatever point you find yourself when you realize what just happened here, you get to take a big calming breath, and hold to what is true, that it wasn't about your entire sex life but just this one time.

I kinda think you won't respect yourself as much if you lie, right? One of the hardest things I am trying to learn is to hold to who I know I am, and what I know to be true, and that those are the Truths I act out of, those are what I base my responses on, if that makes any sense.

I hope you don't feel like I'm preaching at you from some great place of achievement, rather I'm talking out of the trenches I am in with you. It's all just steps we take, yunno?

Hang in, relationships are in flux, this is likely a small hiccup where you both feel back into old patterns. It happens, more than I would like it to... . But it won't stay this way forever, you'll find your balance again. 

[nodoover]

Hi, can so relate!

Even during the good times read once a week or more on this forum, it prepares you for the bad times.

I have had it happen to me many times where I get lulled into thinking everything is fine, let my guard down then wham... .it seems out of nowhere a simple comment turns into a angry rant from him.

You need to learn what his triggers are, since I found out what my husbands are I am trying more not to make even simple comments about things I know will trigger. One thing that triggers my husband is his adult (26) daughter, I saw a very cute photo of her and her mom on Christmas and wanted to show him, but I have learned from the past his jealousy and old unresolved feelings about his ex would cause him to dysregulate.  For example last mothers day we were on a fun trip to canada having a great day and I saw a wonderful pic of them and thought he is in such a good mood maybe he would like to see it... .the rest of day and trip was awful... .

Sex, we have had a very hard time with it so talking anything about it has been like walking on nails.  I have tried everything to get me to relax about it, I would drink a glass of wine first then he would say so you need alcohol to be with me!  For many years he would always want to know during sex and after how each thing was making me feel. I felt like I was under a microscope and over the years had a harder and harder time getting into it.

Lately though the last 9 months since I found out what he has, I react different to him, for just about everything including sex.  Instead of being defensive I realize nothing I say will make him see things my way so it is forcing me to be more patient than ever before if I want peace in my life.

I don't take a day for granted anymore, I am aware that at any minute all hell could break loose or it could be a great day, so I tell myself I am happy and grateful for my friends my life.  I guess I don't look to him for happiness.