Feeling so brokenhearted. Think I need a break from dd to minimal contact

[peaceplease]

Today, I feel so brokenhearted.  I feel like I need a break from my dd.  She is truly an emotional bully. 

This morning she mentioned that her friend is not going to be able to take her to a party tomorrow night.  She then said that she was going to ask my dh if he would let her friend use his car to take her to this party, as she does not drink.  I did not respond. I was thinking there is no way that we are going to let that happen.

She asked him, and he told her no.  Then she started a fuss, that she was an adult, and she was tired of being treated like a child.  She said that she is 29 and she wants to go to an adult party.  She really carried on like a little kid that pesters until they get what they want.  I had to leave for work.  My dh told me that he left because he could not take her anymore.  But, before he left, he managed to give in to her. 

I was angry that he gave in to her.  She was at my house all day using the internet.  I stayed out of her way and was doing a medium chill.  She asked for a ride, tonight.  I told her, that she would have to wait, and I would take her when I was done.  I was busy on the computer.  She told me that she needed to go home and get her card food stamp card.  I told her that she should have brought it this morning.  She claimed that she did not plan on coming here after she went to clinic.  I told her that I would take her home, but I was not going to take her to the store.  I said that I did not want to be around tonight after she was being so mean towards me.  She carried on that she had nothing to drink.  Again, I told her that I would take her home, but I was not going to be hostage with her in the car.  Why would I be in a car with her after she was just throwing insults at me!

Right before we left, she kept going on about how it is my fault why she and her brother are screwed up.  It is because I marry idiots.  And, I chose my dh over my kids.  Every time she gets mad, she goes on how it is my fault, and she points out all my dh's faults.  And, I pick such losers.  And, she will never go with a man that her son does not like.  And, she always mentions that my husband pushed her one time.  And, how she is mad because I told her that I did not see it.  My dh has never been abusive, so I can see her being histrionic.  As, one time, I just put my hand on her while I was talking.  I was not threatening in any way,  And, she yelled at me to get my hands off of her.

I have reached a point where I feel that I can not stand to listen to her bashing my dh anymore.   I do not have a problem with my relationship with him.  To hear her talk, you would think that my dh is some control freak, and I am only with him because I do not want to be alone.  She just does not want me with him.  However, she has no problem using him for rides, or getting money off of him. 

I told her tonight before I took her home that I could not have a relationship with her any more.  She is just so mean to me, and I do not want to be subjected to her mean behavior, anymore.  She spewed that I was the mental one, and both of her parents are screwed up.  She wishes my sister was her mother.

She depends on us for rides, as her license is suspended.  She gets a ride everyday to the methadone clinic.  I have reached a point where I can no longer handle being around her.  I am tired of hearing her bashing my dh.  I am tired of her blaming me for her problems.  She takes no ownership for anything.   Of course, it is never her fault that she loses a job!  She was fired from her last job because she made a mistake and looked at the schedule wrong and thought she worked in afternoon.  They called her in morning, and she said that it was a mistake and she would be right in. They told her not to bother, they found someone. I think they were looking for a reason to fire her.  I don't think that she was fired from a mix up in the schedule. 

Okay, I am done ranting.   But, I really think that I need some heavy limited contact with her.   :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Aww peaceplease   I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  Sometimes all we can do is take some time for ourselves to heal and gain some inner peace. You certainly deserve it!  It's amazing how kids BPD or not think we owe them everything they want.

Your story reminds me of my son far more than my daughter.  My daughter would tend to take the no and go pout someplace.  My son just doesn't stop until he gets what he wants.  He doesn't yell or argue.  He just badgers until you'd give anything to make him stop!  I know that's where my own bad boundaries come into play.  I wonder how a SET statement would work in this instance followed by boundary setting.   You know something like I love you so much and I know you're frustrated because you can't do what you want.  I'd like you to just ask twice.  Once and then once again after I've had time to think about it.  After that I'm not going to change my mind.  Then follow through by saying ok that's the third time.  I'm going to go upstairs and I don't want to hear about this again.  I wonder what would happen.  I'm going to try that next time he's driving me up the wall wanting something. 

Ha see... thanks for helping me solve my problem!  You should post more often!

-crazed

[Being Mindful]

Peace, Do take the break for yourself. Take time for yourself. It is okay.

Being Mindful

[Sstepdad]

 Your situation is very similar to ours my step daughter has badmouthed me to the point that new people mostly boyfriends are intimidated and avoid me, I have befriended a few and the stuff she tells them is crazy, but I have reached a point in knowing I cant change it.


I am very thankful my wife is fully aware of these issues. Step daughter has started another relationship so its in the honeymoon phase at the moment so she will be civil for a few months until the drama begins. That may happen sooner her unemployment ran out and we are not bailing her out of obligations anymore, and the current boyfriend of 4 weeks that she is moved in with does not make enough to cover her bills.

I am amazed at how quickly she starts a relationship and molds herself to that person while they are being used, without a care.

[qcarolr]

peaceplease - my heart is with you today. Hoping you can find some peace.

Our kids do seem to know the most vulnerable spots to badger and bully us with - and it works for them when we give in. Then, remember we are human - imperfection is what we are all about. Be kind to yourself, and with your dh. Can you find support and forgiveness with each other today? Do something fun together?

You do love you daughter at a deep level. This is what keeps we parents coming back in the face of the bullying behaviors. Understanding that these attacks on us are really attacks on themselves projected onto us does not really give much help in the moment. Can you let your D know that you do love her, and that you are taking a break from contact with her for a bit. Yes she is an adult, and you are confident she can figure out her transportation difficulties with her own resourcefulness.

The ask two times only - why not just once? Our kids hear the first answer. It is hard to stick to our NO in the face of their aggressive, badgering behaviors. I do struggle with this daily with my gd8, and less often since my contact is less frequent with my DD27.

How can you keep a safe connection with your DD - safe for your sanity and health? Can you separate what you choose from what your dh chooses? Can you and your dh continue to talk about each of your needs and how to put those first in your life? Is there public transportation to her clinic? Are there others that she could get a ride with?

Hoping you get a restful day today, and can start out with some new energy tomorrow.

qcr

[hopeangel]

Oh Peaceplease!

Im so sorry for you, I have been there so many times, when you just cant go on! 

You are quite right to save yourself and heal - if you have a breakdown then you couldn't help her even if you wanted to so you protect yourself its time for YOUR healing now.

They can be a bottomless pit sometimes and when its like that they can break you, you know your own limits!

I do hope you will be very kind to yourself! 

[Esperança_Hope]

Dear peaceplease. It´s hard to know about your pain. Take the break. Take care of you. No problem. You need to be well to cope with DD. Love. I missed you a lot.