Broke No Contact - Got Sucked Into Feeling Like Sht

[samthewiss]

On friday, my exBPD wife texted me that she wants a favor. She wanted to go with me back to the therapist office b/c she has some questions.

I sent her the article about the "lonely child" and the "abandon child". I told her pain predates me. I told her all three therapist told me she had BPD and she asked for the divorce, she rejected me and my kids.

I told her, I still love her but she does not know how hurtful she is.

She responded that I manipulated the therapist into believing this. We all are wrong about her.

She then proceeded to ask me:

Did you ever love me for me?

Why did you marry Me?

Why did you give up on the marriage?

I got sucked in.

I told her why i feel in love with her, i told her why i married her. I told her that she was the one that said she was having an affair, she was the one that accused me of terrible things throughout the marriage. I told her that i still loved her and wanted to fight for "us" if she gets help.

She then says she cannot make any promises.

I told her that clearly i love her more then she loves me and i think the best thing to do is to say good bye to each other for closer.

She said she loves me. and OK

Then I go to her facebook page

I see she has a heading "In love with my international love". she also has loving comments to her new European boyfriend.

How she was having a great time with him this Sunday.

I got so angry.

She was texting me about going back to marriage therapist while on a date with my replacement!

I texted her in anger.

i wrote "why the F*** are you asking to go with me to therapy with you while dating SY"

She responded "I give up, you are wrong. This one is on you."

Just deflection, mumbo jumbo.

I had enough. 

She no longer is a sick woman needing love and help. She is a sick bitc*

 


 

[goldylamont]

that was cruel of her. samthewiss, please don't ever tell this woman ever again that you love her. she got on the phone with you just to feel validated. when she's asking you:

Did you ever love me for me?

Why did you marry Me?

she just wants to suck any love-force out of you again to feed her own greedneedyness. if you were married it's true that you did love her, but she doesn't deserve the privilege of you sharing this with her--because she's proven she's not worthy. and what's worse is that she's also starting the triangulation and abuse with her new 'international' bf. how do you think he'll feel when the idealization phase is over and he figures out this woman has been crooning to her ex husband saying she still loves him? bad for him too.

sorry you had to go through this. sometimes things need to happen several times before we finally accept that these people could care less about anyone but themselves when it comes to relationships. use your anger now to strengthen your resolve to not allow her to toy with you again.

[babyspook]

Oh wow!  Just... .wow!  Unbelievable.

[Perfidy]

Sam that's too bad it happened like that. A similar incident occurred that put me into no contact. I saw all of the BPD behavior and coping mechanism. It was one of the sickest feelings that I have ever had. Makes me ill just thinking about it, and yeah... .I felt a lot the same as you describe here. A thought occurred to me as this leveraging was happening. If her next benefactor knew what she was telling me he would drop her like a bad habit. It was just a short while later my heart started catching up to my head. I was dreading this detachment part. I knew it was going to hurt. I know how hard it is. I keep thinking I'm better now than I really am. I'm getting to the point where I haven't even got much else to talk with my counsellor about. Last night I spoke with her. We just chatted like friends. It was kind of cool. No crises. Just shooting the breeze. Haha... .Maybe she's getting tired of my sh|t too!

[sirensong65]

Their  whole identity is based on OUR validation and it makes  me sick.

Probably TMI, but I have been playing the whole relationship back in F'ing Technocolor these days, now that I know about BPD.  And the one BIG flag that sticks out for me was a couple of times during lovemaking he would say, "you feel so good, and then get this sickening, desperate look on his face, almost pleading and say, "do I make YOU feel good?  and I would say, ofcourse... and then he would get MORE intense and say, tell me... tell me>>I MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD... .

Good God... They have to hear it constantly... . 

[Surnia]

Wow, Samthewiss, what a difficult text exchange! This is a hard piece to digest.

You are very honest with yourself. 

[Tincup]

All I can say is WOW.  I just don't get it at all.  If they need validation, and she is getting validation with the new guy, why the contact at all?  These people are alien blood suckers...

[alliance]

Sam,

I feel for you dude.

This is the kind of horror show that keeps me committed to NC. Whenever a doubt/weakness creeps in, I force myself to remember the hurtful words and actions. And, I remember, even when she is trying not to hurt/belittle me, she just does.

[sirensong65]

My analogy I use for my BPD ex is this.  He is a volcano, a black hole.  One person can't POSSIBLY fill the void he has.  So, they throw women in the hole at rapid speed.  Like sacrificing virgins, in we go, one after another... but he is never full, never content, he never feels whole and he never will til he gets help and realizes HE is the one that has to fill the hole FROM INSIDE of him.

They are attention whores.  I doted on mine, sexually he had no reason to complain... actually I wanted more than he was able to provide.  He was reassured and babied constantly, after my kids, he was numero uno!  None of that mattered.  They need MORE, MORE, MORE!  And it will ALWAYS be so... .

[arn131arn]

Man, I am so sorry u had to go through this. Jesus, what a terrible person. This is what scares the hit out of me

[sadinnc98]

This is terrible, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. These people just suck. Truly... .They are evil.

[seeking balance]

Sam,

I am sorry you had to go through that - it did bring back memories as I had a version of this same conversation while my ex was actively dating someone and denying it all over the place to me, asking why I made her leave, etc.

This stuff made me crazy and I finally had to not bite... .it took me a few times and her cleaning out a money market account before I had the courage to file for divorce, but I did.

3 years later, life is much different, I am different - and it does get better. 

Please get the support you need with a T and an L so you can protect your own mental and financial interests.

Best,

SB

[UnLuckyLady]

Hey SirenSong... .It's never TMI on this board because we've all experienced the crazy train.  As far as him(your pwBPD) always wanting to know if it was good for you... .mine would literally strain his neck to lock eyes with me and tell me how good it felt, etc.  Creepy to me now but at the time I thought "THIS is what it's supposed to be like!"   And, to top it off, for 30 minutes to an hour after we finished lovemaking he needed to talk about it, play by play like a friggin spreadsheet.  Took the mystery and specialness out of it for me... .   

[santa]

That's awful, Sam. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

I guess the lesson is that the next time she tests you to see if she still has you on the hook, tell her to go F herself.

I think mine does the same little tests with me just to see if I still want her too. Probably just more BPD nonsense.