Life is like walking through Tornado Alley

[LostInWonderland]

You know, that area of the Midwest where you could have a completely unexpected F4 tornado in the middle of November? Just an example, obviously. But thats what life is like every day with my uBPDf. (I hope I am using that acronym right... .) I have heard the term 'walking on eggshells' many times in my life, but it never had too much meaning until I started dating my fiance. He is at work now, so I actually have time to decompress and think about what I am writing. I am fairly new to the research of BPD. 

I never know if something I say is going to set him off. I live in fear, really. I do everything I can to tip toe around his emotions. Everything affects his mood. There are so many examples, but I would be here all day. If he is caught at too many red lights, he gets extremely irritable. If I don't text him back immediately, he questions the four minutes it took me to respond. If I tell him I don't want to have sex right now, he flies off the handle and it turns into a whirlwind of emotions. Anger - agression - selfhate - depression - suicidal thoughts and threats - self harm - then suddenly, everything is all peachy again. That's usually the "natural" progression of our arguments no matter what started them. It's exhausting.

Don't get me wrong, we have our 'moments' of bliss. Sometimes hours, days and rarely - weeks. Lately however, I am lucky to get a day or two without a fight.

Last nights fight started with the sex issue and ended with him hitting his head with a glass candle jar until he had a knot the size of a small orange. I was bawling and scared and wanted to walk away right at that moment. But my love for him keeps me. Because when it's good, it's so good. But when it's bad - it's unbearable. Is jealousy a part of BPD?

I am at a crossroad. Leave the love of my life because I don't know if I can handle this the rest of our lives? Or stay and try therapy, medications, hope it makes him "better" and supress the fear of making him angry?

I am lost, exhausted, worried, manipulated, scared and in love. But I am really starting to think we are a toxic couple... .

[Surnia]

LostInWonderland

I feel with you, leaving under the constant fear of F4tornados is so exhausting! You are dealing with a lot to things. 

Did he got ever physical toward you?

[living in the past]

hi,some one here told me its like being a vortex and being spit out, i wish you could separate for a little it would be good for you,

[janey62]

Hi LostInWonderland,

I can really relate to what you're saying.  My partner disappears, at first because he just needs some time away, but really its so he can retreat to a safe distance before bombarding me with abusive sms messages.  I have had face to face though, and its worse, he has these shark eyes and says things to hurt me and watches my pain with a sort of sadistic glee! 

Then, as you describe, he's back and so sorry and full of shame and loving and trying to repair the damage.   

The worst thing is that even when he is being loving and my best friend and we are so close and I'm in love with him all over again I'm afraid because I know that moment will come all too soon when he switches.  It's horrible, just waiting... .

He uses every little bit of evidence he's gathered over the past days to attack me, hurling abuse and insults at me, threatening to leave, telling me to go, listing all my personality defects, accusing me of being selfish and unsupportive.

I to am exhausted and demoralised.   I feel your pain and though I don't live in the Midwest, but in South Devon, UK, I get the vortex analogy.  I feel as if he has emotionally beaten me up and then he's the only one who can make me feel better over and over.

I had a horrific dream the other night.  I was lost and wandering around and heard a moan.  I looked over a gate into a barn and there saw what looked at first like part of the butchered carcass of a cow, but this was standing on three legs tied around the neck with a rope to the wall.  It had no skin and no head and was red and bleeding but alive and it was shifting around and in pain and moaning and confused!  I began to scream and scream until I woke myself up and realised I'd been screaming aloud.  Needless to say I didn't go back to sleep... .

Jane

[maxsterling]

Welcome, I'm in the same place as you.  

You need to get yourself stronger first, whether you decide to leave or stay.  Living with this wears you out.  :)o anything to find time for yourself.  Maybe just 15 minutes here or there, while you are at work, on the way home, whatever.  Use that time to just be you and recharge and think clearly.  

It's going to have to start with small boundaries regarding minor issues.  Once you can establish a few boundaries, you will feel a little better.

It's the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with, so I certainly feel for you.  

[widow lady]

It's if they chew you up and spit you out!   That's what I always felt like after one of his many senseless, circular rages! Over what, I sometimes never knew!

[Cipher13]

Perhaps the tornado anallegy is fitting. When the rage builds up out of nowhere or with littl ewarning you knever know what the damage is going to be like until yo com eout the other side.  I feel liek the neighborhood that gets hit. Soem parts of me are left in tact, other parts destroyed. Yet I rebuild up what I can only to await the next storm.

Maybe I should move to a different town or build a better shelter.

[LostInWonderland]

That's exactly why I am in the Undecided part. Build better shelter for the next tornado or move out of Tornado Alley... . it's so hard.

[janey62]

It is hard, I agree.  However, I'm just now realising that this whole situation can only exist with two of us in it. 

I feel so devastated when he goes, and yet I let him come back, I justify and excuse his behaviour.  He says he loves me then 5 minutes later finds some minor fault and picks on it and then walks away leaving me feeling as if I've been punched in the stomach. 

As far as I can see and from what I've been reading here there are only a few individuals who can manage to stay in a relationship like this, and some of them feel that they have very little choice.  I feel for those of you with kids the most because you have to make the heartbreaking decision to leave and either leave them behind or take them from their other parent.

I am resolved to leave as soon as it is safe for me to do so, i.e., leaving doesn't mean I have to sleep in my car!

If I'm really honest with myself I have allowed him to walk all over me, to treat me like dirt under his feet and all I really need to do is leave, and then work out why and NEVER let it happen to me again.

Whatever it takes to rebuild my self esteem and make me strong enough that I won't attract another BPD partner is what I will do.

I am so sick of it now.  I'm a qualified and experienced Addictions Counsellor and am ashamed to say that this looks and feels the way an addict looks and feels when they've reached rock bottom, their lives are so disgusting and unmanageable that it's either death of give up the substance.  I need to take some responsibility for myself and give him up before he kills me inside and I lose the will to live. 

I urge you all to consider this... . If your best friend was in the same situation you are in now, what would you advise them to do? 

Love and hugs to all and very best hopes and wishes for the New Year!

xx