Do you think people with BPD thrive on having people worry

[Mish66]

It seems our 15 yr old daughter does. She has left home and we can't keep her home, unless we lock her up. Last few days we have found out on her facebook page (she left logged on when home for a day) that she has tried Meth (we call it P in NZ) supplied by her 21 yr old loser boyfriend. She is also helping him deal in weed.  We really don't know what to do - we are so worried. She's so depressed and has lost a lot of weight. We don't know if we should go to police as the BF has gang connections (his father is 2nd in charge of a gang). This terrifies us and worries us for the rest of our kids. I don't get how she wants this life, us always worried and begging her to come home. When she is at home, causes so much havoc - swearing and yelling and intimidating her younger sister. Smashing up our new home. It all seems so hopeless at the moment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Googie]

I know my daughter did until she was placed at a facility in Asheville, NC called Eliada home for Children.  They have 4 different cottages that each have a different therapeutic theme.  Because my daughter was so aggressive and would become physically abusive out of the blue, they placed her in a cottage that focused on MST.  She was always on her guard because every kid that was in that cottage had severe aggression and anger issues.  She was eventually moved to the cottage that she was originally supposed to be in which focused on DBT as their base coping technique.  Along with an amazing therapist that was patient and just "knew" when to push and when to ease up, she has become a completely different child.  15 was her worst year, and I hope that this new year will bring her some maturity and self-awareness to be able to realize the life she's choosing to live right now is not the life that will lead her anywhere good.

I truly believe in DBT and meds when needed.  My daughter does much better when she is on a mood stabilizer.  It's almost like she has a first line of defense to ward off her overwhelming emotions and is able to bring herself to a more productive place by utilizing her coping skills.

She had a set back this week but is doing well and has been able to move forward to work on herself and her goals she laid out for her future.

Take deep breaths and look into inpatient treatment facilities or day programs that use DBT and provides consistency along with clear boundaries and firm consequences.

All the best to you

Googie   

[Mish66]

I wish they had facilities here in NZ but they don't seem to. We can't even get her into a facility for her drug abuse unless you pay something like $3000 a week, even then I think the patient has to admit themselves and that's not going to happen as she thinks she doesn't have a problem other than depression.

[Googie]

Do you have Alanon meetings?  I love going to Alanon. It's all about how to learn how to distance yourself from her abusive behavior and set firm boundaries for her and you too.  I saw a huge decrease in the amount of insanity that plagued our house at any given time.  It's hard to think you could turn your back on your daughter (in a way), but what you are really doing is re-teaching her what is and what is not acceptable in your home and following through with whatever consequences you laid out for her will reinforce your commitment to yourself and she will have no choice but to chose either the consequence or change her actions.

You can look up Alanon meetings online.

Googie

[Thursday]

Hi mich66,

I don't think my BPDSD22 thrives on making us worry... . rather the opposite. I don't think she understands when/how she causes us worry. I will say that she is older than your daughter and when she was 15 she was very focused on "being one of the bad kids" and she actually had fear of being considered a goody-goody- and this is what drove her in her bad behavior, to be grouped with the "bad kids" was her goal. If this caused us to worry, well, in her mind, there was nothing to be done about it. We, as her parents, were going to worry and to her it was unnecessary because she didn't think at all about consequences when she was in the moment. She never thought she was doing any harm, least of all to us, least of all to herself or her future.

When she was 18 she had some behaviors that caused her to worry about herself. Only when this occurred did she make the connection that we were worried about her as well. Not trying to be obscure- she came to the realization that she was a drug addict and became worried that she was out of control, going to die, going to get arrested, going to overdose, etc.

I think her empathy is under-developed. I think you have to have empathy for the other guy to care if they are worried. She is still far more motivated in her life by her own needs or perceived needs, the empathy piece of her puzzle is still "lacking" and we have very few expectations that she will be motivated by any sort of empathy for us. We are hopeful this will change as she progresses but we aren't holding our breath about it.

thursday

[qcarolr]

I agree with Thursday about limited ability to have empathy. My belief is this a a key component for many, if not all, mental illness. At least during some stage of the illness.

It is also something that is learned throughout life, and at 15 things are often confused without mental illness. The drug use makes it all so much more aggressive and violent. That has been my experience with my BPDD27. Cocaine had a similar impact on her ability to be safely in our home.

How does your legal system and local police deal with domestic violence? If she is a threat to you or others in your home, the drug dealing bf does not even need to be in the picture for you to call. It is a very difficult position to take.

My DD never believed she was in danger, and did not get it that she was putting our household in danger. We did not know until she was 19 and asked us to rescue her from her dealer that this was the 'friend' that had been picking her up at our home for a long time. We gave her the money, twice. It took us a long time to get past our denial survival mentality to kick her out of our home. At age 15 we still had legal responsibility for her, and would have needed to get police involved earlier. Yet, she was always able to get out of a mental health 72 hour hold and end up back at home. Just as out of control as always.

Al Anon did help me to find the courage and strength to protect myself and my family. The tools and skills to the right has led me to find a way to rebuild a tenuous relationship with my adult daughter. She cannot live in our home. She refuses to keep her toxic friends away from our neighborhood.

She sometimes seems to have love for her family - dh, gd8 and I. Yet it is always from a perspective of meeting her own needs -- always. I doubt she will ever development beyond this. She believes that all her troubles are created by someone else. I feel such deep sadness about this. Wonder if had the knowledge I have now, and could have been more validating with consistent, strong safety boudnaries when she was 15-18 if things would have been different now?

What resources do you think are available in NZ to get support for YOU? That was the first step for me.

qcr