After the blow up, nothing is said, it's swept under the rug

[Theo41]

After a stretch of normalcy I guess I got careless. We were going out to dinner and theater wi 2 other couples. With 10 minutes before departure I noticed that the back of her hair was badly mussed from reading while laying on the bed. Without thinking it through I said: " the back of your hair is mussed so you may want to run a brush through it. (I was remembering how lovely it looked the day before.) She blew up like a stick of dynamite. After what seemed like a 10 minute whip lashing/ pistol whipping I said: " it's that exact behavior that is so off putting.  " I asked her to stop but she only brought herself under control when we joined the other couples. The concert was a game changer and she was normal by the time we went home but  somewhat quiet and removed (love quiet and remove. Much better than loud and attacking. )

The reason I said careless is that, in hindsight, I know that she gets nervous when we are going out or having company over. Based on many previous experiences, it would have been better to "never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut." and wait to see if she combed it or just let her walk out like that ( she's done that before but not when we're going out for the evening wi friends. ) I also know that I did nothing wrong and that a person wi BPD traits blows when they are ready to- any excuse will do.  She could have ( and did) go off regarding my route selection. " why the heck are you going this way. Are u trying to aggravate me by making us late!"

Finally, I allowed it to not be discussed the next day. Reason: hate these blow ups and simlply didn't want another ( peace please ).  My take is that she loves the drama and would only use the day after discussion to create more. At some level she knows her behavior is a problem. She can't contol it so taking responsibility for it, apologizing and saying I " I'll try not to do it again. " doesn't work, so denial is the better option. Comments, suggestions appreciated. Thanks, THEO

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi Theo!

Yup, that's a hard one alright! I know I'm not always in tune with my uBPDh's moods or insecurities, so then I find myself caught in one of those surprise attacks too with that dear in the headlights look on my face.

My therapist is trying to help me learn to be more prepared for events, for instance, hubby and I were going to Hawaii for several days for our anniversary. My T said, "is there anything you need to prepare for before you go?" I hadn't honestly thought about it, but once I did I realized the thought was "to not wait for him." I've always been waiting to see what's next, what he wants to do, etc, and then I lose out on things I might have wanted to do. So this time I was better prepared to take care of myself and still go out to watch the sunset every night even though he didn't want to.

I know it's hard to always be "on" and thinking and preparing, I guess that's why I end up with the surprises from time to time... .

I don't know what the more senior members would say, but I feel like our pushing for them to say "sorry" is counter productive, it just sets them off more. And as long as we are Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement it seems like as we see our loved one with BPD slowly learn to curb their negative behavior, maybe it's cool to just let the rehash go?

[Theo41]

Thanks Dreamflier. It helps to know we are not alone. I think the idea of positive reinforcement is excellent. Unfortunately, I have not been good at doing that. I need tobe able to give credit when I see good behavior/ effort to improve. THEO

[waverider]

Bringing it all back to what we are trying to do, that is to make our lives easier.

There are three parts to this

1 Not triggering them unnecessarily, or making things worse, whenever possible.

2 Minimizing the effects on you when it happens.

3 Not sending ourselves on a guilt trip whenever we fail at either of the above.

So yes, not mentioning it "may" have helped, or as you say, something else could have triggered it if that was the mood she was in.

It happened, not stewing on it, or bringing it back up again reduced its impact on you, as it wasn't exactly a major boundary crossing or earth shattering issue, so no good would really have come of it.

You didn't manage to prevent, or perfectly defuse it. Move on, don't blame yourself. There will be plenty more chances to practice, this was just one incident in many to come. Don't let it spoil your day more than it needs to. Save the big confrontations for the big issues. You can't fix everything

Remember you are not being a doormat, you are choosing to let it slide. Positively making a choice is empowering. It is when you feel like you have no choice out of fear that real harm is done.

[DreamFlyer99]

TRUTH waverider!

[Theo41]

Many thanks DreamFlier and Waverider.

[hergestridge]

I find this to be one of the most difficult pills to swallow. When my wife feels the preassure on her to be "good" and when on our own, then it's like she becomes super b*tch out of some sort of compulsion. Birthdays, vacations... . all those type of occasions that are supposed to be special are triggers for her. The ___s them up without the least bit of help from me and our daughter, and... . she doesn't remember a thing afterwards (or... . she does if she's preassured)!

And I get it... . not blaming yourself, don't expect her to be say I'm sorry, minimize the triggers.

But what do I say to our three year old daughter? Don't trigger mom? It's OK, mommy always destroys birthdays? Everybody has to say they're sorry when they've done something stupid except mom, because she's ill?

Sweeping stuff under the rug only works in relation to a partner who goes through hell or high water to adapt to your illness. In a family situation it's just plain damaging. As I live with a woman with BPD and we have a kid I find myself unable to use a lot of the recommended strategies mainly because a kid can't be anything but honest and spontaneous about their feelings. A child can't put aside some of their emotional needs just because a parent has missing emotional functions.

And I think it's the same with a grown up person. It's not good for ur either, but we can make the choice and take the damage.

[Theo41]

Having a child in the household changes and complicates things. My children say they were seriously damaged by my wife's behavior and all the arguing. ( kids for some reason sometimes conclude they are at fault. ) My dad had BPD characteristics. He raged, we walked on eggshells. My mother told me in a loving and respectful way that my dad was mentally ill and that is was important for me to understand that and not to copy the bad parts of his behavior. Right or wrong this helped me to put the rageful behavior in proper perspective. It left some scars on me but I consider myself pretty well adjusted. The bizarre aspect is that I unknowingly married a woman with the same characteristics. My mother was not around to tell me she was sick so when the raging started towards me I accepted her BS that it was all my fault. It was only a few years ago that I read SWOE. That book did the same thing for me that my mother did , and more. I suggest that you get a counselor that's familiar with BPD and get some guidance on how to handle the problem for your daughters sake. I wish I had done that when my kids were young.

[hergestridge]

Thanks for your advice. Seeking a councelor makes sense. As you can imagine staying vs leaving isn't an easy choice. I'm afraid even more things are going to be swept under the rug if I'm not there.