Using tough love

[peace in steel town]

So I'm reading Valerie Porr's book, and I thought I would share a thought. I admit I am only on the second chapter. She says not to use expensive therapy centres, that's ok, I can't afford them anyway. She says that if you can't bring dd to a therapist, be the therapist for dd, as in learn new interaction techniques. I'm ok with that, too. It's when she said not to use tough love, that it doesn't work, that I beg to differ. I have seen other people on this forum express the same thought. Allow me to share a timeline. When dd and her mother came to live with me, dd was wonderful and pleasant to live with. This lasted 2 and a half months, until we discovered the truth about how well she was doing in school. Barely passing 3 courses, often times not handing in homework at all, she hid report cards, school notices, and test results. So we clamped down, restricted freedom, and started tracking homework. As soon as we started saying no, she became impossible to live with. All the things Valerie describes in chapter 1, dd was all of them. One day , in an act of defiance over homework, she took off, announcing she was moving out. She called 4 days later, ready to come home, just in time after the Christmas break was over. I told her she couldn't come home, she was staying with her brother at this point anyway. She moved out east with her father, ran away there, stayed with a friend until she got kicked out, wound up in a homeless shelter where most of her stuff got stolen. Then she called us, promised to be the perfect daughter, and we let her come back. For the first 3 weeks, she was wonderful. Then, she got comfortable. Then, she started talking back to mom, but not to me. One day, mom said, why don't you talk back to sd, so dd did , in front of a friend. She got defiant, and in my face, so I told her she could go without dinner that night. Dd walked over to mom and said, that's why I don't talk back to him. Anyway, she continued her defiance, and left a week later. Fast forward to Christmas, she tried one more time. She spilled water on my Persian rug in the living room. I told her to clean it up. She sat on the floor, rested her head on the sofa, and whined that she was soo dizzy. I told her that if she didn't clean it up, she could go home now. She cleaned it up, and in an act of defiance, went home. That was last Christmas, 2012. This year, at Christmas, and at her gma's funeral, she was quiet and respectful. We don't get her rages anymore, we don't get her defiance anymore. My wife still gets the pity party and blame game, but not much more. Sure, she still makes lousy choices, but we don't put up with her crap. Maybe the people she lives with see it, but we don't. You can't change how other people live, but you can change how they treat you. If dd can learn bad behaviour, we can teach her good behaviour.    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again peace,

I am also in a step-parent position. And I have to say - congratulations. You are trying to find solutions on behalf of this child. You see your wife and her pain, and you are trying to help. In reading V. Porr's book - it is not an easy read, people are usually able to take it in little by little... .

It is easier for us to see the enabling that biological parents often tend towards. On the other hand, we (step-parents) may be prone to being the tough-love advocates at the expense of making a real bond with our step-child, and being ineffective with them in the long-run... . At least I have gone this route before I learned about BPD.

Let me explain:

The part of tough-love that you describe does work in the short-run to protect your boundaries, and teach your step-child that there are rules and that they cannot manipulate you. In the long-run, it creates too much stress and conflict that they cannot handle and it results in a break. If they feel like your spouse will not back them up, they bolt. If they feel like they can get their parent on their side, they will, and you have a conflict with your spouse over their child on your hands... . both are no win situations.

Enabling makes BPD behaviors worse in the long-run; tough love results in estrangement, and marital conflict.

So what works?

Natural consequences and reframing negative situations into positive works better.

I.e: "As long as you turn in your homework on time, you can use the car." will foster cooperation. If the child fails to do homework, you can say: "as soon as your homework is back on track, you can use the car again." gives your child opportunity for improved behavior and success.

On the other hand: "If you don't do your homework, I'm going to take the car away" is a sure way to make your child dig in their heels and have WW III on your hands.

In addition:

Through validation we keep connected to our child. We can still validate our child's feelings of anger and disappointment while maintaining our rules, modeling and teaching healthy behaviors and coping skills.

Does that make sense?

[crazedncrazymom]

I love the way you explained that passim!

Peace,

It really does take some time for some of the ideas in that book to sink in.  I believe it was a record setting read for me.  It took 2-3 months of reading a bit and putting the book away for a few days to ponder what I read.  Some of the ideas seem to go against natural instincts and what we've been conditioned to believe is good parenting.  You may not like or agree with everything you read in that book.   However, I think if nothing else you may gain a greater understanding of BPD.

Oh, next recommendation... . I Can't Make Everything All Better by Gary Lundberg

It's a much easier read and is full of great tips on validation.

Happy Reading!

-crazed

[peace in steel town]

Pessim- optimist, hello again. I read your commentary. We don't have a lot of problem with estrangement. I am, however, an easy target for the blame game, that if it wasn't for me, all would be good and wonderful. Mind you, dd blames her dad, her brother, and also her mom, I just take up the first three spots on her blame list. She is not real fond of anyone "she can't get around", that's how my wife explains it to other people. Yes, sometimes it causes marital conflict, too. Some people are surprised it didn't end the marriage. However, the more dd does, the more laws she breaks, the more she pressures mom to put her own neck on the line to save dd, the more my wonderful wife understands why I do what I do. One thing is for sure, it hasn't been easy, but I don't think anyone on this forum is having an easy time of it. As far as natural consequences, there have been many. Dd has had a really hard time this past 2 years since she ran away. She has been robbed, bounced around, mistreated by a few people, failing school, not sleeping well, plagued with health problems, taken advantage of. Reframing, and validation, those are things I would like to try. I don't see dd all that often, so I don't get much of an opportunity to try them. I am still trying to finish Porr's book. One book I would suggest for people to read is the book "Boundaries", by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. My parents gave it to us last year. I would especially recommend reading page 190, the section on boundaries and your children, and the conflicts they will have if they don't learn boundaries, and hearing the word no from other people. When I became a parent 2 and a half years ago , I knew nothing about parenting, and figured that at the age of 16, most of her parenting was already done. Boy was I wrong. The biggest help for me was the website "empowering parents". Nothing specific about Bpd, but many articles on various topics. It was that website that turned me from being clueless to being in control and knowing what to do. Like all things, the more you know, the better equipped you can be.     

[pessim-optimist]

Reframing, and validation, those are things I would like to try. I don't see dd all that often, so I don't get much of an opportunity to try them.

I think that for step-parents in general, but especially for step-parents of kids w/BPD the biggest challenge is actually making a strong, positive connection with them. It is not easy to win the trust of a pwBPD, especially if they see you as the obstacle to getting what they need/want from their parent.

It is a handicap, so we need to work extra hard to overcome it. (I mean, even natural parents have to work really really hard at it  )

One book I would suggest for people to read is the book "Boundaries", by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. My parents gave it to us last year. I would especially recommend reading page 190, the section on boundaries and your children, and the conflicts they will have if they don't learn boundaries, and hearing the word no from other people.

I agree - this is the best resource on boundaries I have read so far.

Our kids w/BPD desperately need boundaries, and they fight them tooth and nail. They don't know how badly they need them, and they do not appreciate us introducing/enforcing them.

Boundaries give them structure, safety, predictability, help keep their relationships intact - those are all things that the pwBPD crave, but they do not make the connection.

We can help them, but we can only do that, if we develop a trusting connection with them. That's where empathy, understanding the disorder, and learning the communication tools come in. They will dysregulate (that's the nature of BPD) - perhaps we can make the environment safer and less trigerring for them, and if we are fortunate, they learn some healthy coping skills from us, or - who knows? - even go to therapy and recover (recovery for our child - that's our collective dream on the Parenitng board - some do come true... . )

[twojaybirds]

tough love in my opinion is an overused phrase.

To back-up the theory that tough love does not work think of it this way:

I have given my dd all the love and support that anyone could imagine, however she does not feel loved  - all those feelings/emotions just go in one ear and out the other.  The same is true for punishment (aka tough love)  the effects of the consequences do not solidfy, they just drift out as well.

Valerie's book really focus' on us and how to do what is right for us, to keep us healthy first which will result in boundaries and in the long run a healtier relationship with our pwBPD, but it won't fix/cure them.  That is their work and hopefully they will do that work (although I am still waiting)

Letting those natural consequences happen deflects you as to blame... . less is more in my relationship with my dd.  I affirm that she is a good pblm solving and smart... I dont enable yet support her emotions and good decisions ignoring those I think are not so good.

that book and this board were my lifesavers.