Should I tell her friends and family so they stop enabling her?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just learned about BPD and it fits my wife of 11 years and our life together to a tee. So now I am able to learn more on how to cope and stop fueling the fire, should I tell her friends and family about it? Her family is very religious and traditional. Their answer to everything is prayer and they don't believe in mental health issues. But they are rich and she is very spoiled, they show each other affection with material things and money, so it really doesn't help her to grow up when she can always get a hand out and continue to feed her obsession with expensive shoes and bags or drugs and alcohol.

Her friends will take her out drinking and partying any day of the week. So should they know she cant actually handle this and they shouldn't encourage it. Or if she finds out that I've told them, will she resent me for it.

I've told my own mum and dad (whom my wife hates and ignores) and they were actually relieved and finally understood why she was so mean to them. She used to be the best daughter in law in the world, and loved them more than I did sometimes, but along the way she switched to hating them obsessively.

I've told some of my close friends, who also had the light bulb moment, figuring out why I'm always going through my own ups and downs from riding along her emotional roller coaster. So now maybe I should tell her own friends and family, and maybe they will help me get her the help that she needs but refuses?

[adrianab]

I just learned about BPD and it fits my wife of 11 years and our life together to a tee. So now I am able to learn more on how to cope and stop fueling the fire, should I tell her friends and family about it? Her family is very religious and traditional. Their answer to everything is prayer and they don't believe in mental health issues. But they are rich and she is very spoiled, they show each other affection with material things and money, so it really doesn't help her to grow up when she can always get a hand out and continue to feed her obsession with expensive shoes and bags or drugs and alcohol.

Her friends will take her out drinking and partying any day of the week. So should they know she cant actually handle this and they shouldn't encourage it. Or if she finds out that I've told them, will she resent me for it.

I've told my own mum and dad (whom my wife hates and ignores) and they were actually relieved and finally understood why she was so mean to them. She used to be the best daughter in law in the world, and loved them more than I did sometimes, but along the way she switched to hating them obsessively.

I've told some of my close friends, who also had the light bulb moment, figuring out why I'm always going through my own ups and downs from riding along her emotional roller coaster. So now maybe I should tell her own friends and family, and maybe they will help me get her the help that she needs but refuses?

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[Seneca]

tough call. my vote is no. family of origin is tough - they want to believe the best of their family member. and certainly you can't trust them not to rat you out and then you gonna have a WHOLE mess of trouble about that one. you have to remember - you are not her parent, or her therapist, or god. you cannot fix her, you cannot heal her, if you are lucky you can "manage" her or help her "manage herself", but that is really the extent of it. those other people can't help her either, so telling them - while it may lead to some understanding, is too risky and i don't see much benefit.

although, i get it. when i figured out it was BPD, i wanted to run and tell all his relatives. but it will just backfire. you did right by telling a few people who are close to you. the best thing you can do is to protect and find support for yourself. 

[PacifistMom]

I don't think I would tell his family as he'd have such a big fit if I did - they consider me a saint anyway because they definitely know his behaviors well, even if they don't have a name for it.

I have, however, considered telling the two oldest girls, my stepdaughters (now young women themselves), as they have seen a lot when staying with us that I am afraid might contribute to the possibility of them accepting unhealthy relationships in their life (or modeling those behaviors themselves). But this too ... . I think he will first have to admit that he suffers from BPD and things will go better if he can tell them or at least be aware before me talking to them.

[adrianab]

Thanks Seneca & Pacifist. I think that's the best advice for now. I'm also treated like a saint by her family, and that does make her mad as they usually back me because they know what she's like. My mum told me recently that her dad actually pulled my mum aside on our wedding day and said to her good luck, I hope you know what your son is getting into! She was already married once when she was 18 but ran away and eventually got divorced. I heard the poor guy went a bit nuts himself. And yes since I've spoken to a few people close to me, I do feel much better with their support and no longer feel embarrassed or guilty that I cant keep my own relationship together.

[waverider]

They would just add another dynamic of frustration and hurt for you. There are many reasons why it could go wrong.

Unless they are personally adversely affected family and friends see what they want to see, and are not interested in your dramas (as they would see it).

Family can take it as a reflection on themselves, bear in mind genetics could be playing a role in this and you could find yourself on the end of that.

This is one area that affects me too. It is just a waste of energy.

At the end of the day they will not stop enabling

Has any of her family and friends ever questioned her behavior or born the brunt of it?

[adrianab]

Hi Wave rider, thanks for your input. The more I think about it the more I think its best not to involve them directly, your right it will probably end up an exercise in futility. They know she is moody and has a bad temper, in fact its a common problem in her family on her fathers side, a big family of 7 their father (her grandfather) died when they were all very young and left the mother a single policewomen to raise the large family, in poverty, so most of that family are obvious BPD cases! Her relationship with her father is terrible, and he is BPD for sure. They have seen flashes of it in her I'm sure, and the current set of friends is new, and I know it wont last long as she has chameleon-ed to adapt to them, but I can tell she's not being herself with them and under normal circumstances wouldn't even be friends with them, they have nothing in common except that they were working together before she quit the last job. But probably I'm the only one that has seen the real person, which she hides very well behind a mask when with them.

[waverider]

when others become involved be aware of TRIANGULATION

[Changingman]

Thanks Seneca & Pacifist. I think that's the best advice for now. I'm also treated like a saint by her family, and that does make her mad as they usually back me because they know what she's like. My mum told me recently that her dad actually pulled my mum aside on our wedding day and said to her good luck, I hope you know what your son is getting into! She was already married once when she was 18 but ran away and eventually got divorced. I heard the poor guy went a bit nuts himself. And yes since I've spoken to a few people close to me, I do feel much better with their support and no longer feel embarrassed or guilty that I cant keep my own relationship together.

'The poor guy went nuts'

Did he go nuts or did she make him nuts?

Don't play with this it is serious.

[adrianab]

I'm not really sure as I don't know him personally, only heard about it much later into the relationship as she never wanted to talk about it, they were not together for very long, it was an arranged marriage. Maybe nuts is a strong word. He was probably confused and upset by her actions and took it personally and it hung around with him for several years after.

[PacifistMom]

It's funny, despite my post here, I sort of accidentally did this. But I felt I kind of had to because it's a friend staying with us that WAS being adversely affected and if I didn't talk about it, it would impact their relationship for sure.

Now I'm kicking myself for saying too much  

Definitely better not to.