I am wondering if I should leave

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted my intro, and I thought I would have a look through this. I realise I am unsure, very unsure. I don't even want him near me a lot of the time, and I keep saying I will work on things, but I feel that my major reasons for staying are because I can't really imagine being alone again. I've lost a lot of my friends because of my relationship with him (although I feel that a true friend would have been there for ME, regardless of how they felt about my now-husband), and everyone wants us to be this huge success story, yet I am constantly pretending I am happy, when I'm not at all. It has been incredibly stressful and emotional, and I am sick of having no sleep if he is on one of his drink and emotion binges (get too drunk and skype his exasperated family at all hours). Last night, I listened to him snore for 2 hours until I finally fell asleep, but then I was woken up every so often because he was angry that *I* was snoring! Just because I am not working, it doesn't mean I don't deserve some sleep, right?

Now I think I should have stayed on my own, and am in disbelief that I felt like I was strong enough to deal with relationships, and that I could leave if I was unhappy.

I would write more, but I am so tired and my head is aching. I just wish I could get him to see how he is, and that a lot of his problems with people are not THEM, it's HIM. Maybe he will then get on the path of being a little bit happy.

[halfnelson]

I posted my intro, and I thought I would have a look through this. I realise I am unsure, very unsure. I don't even want him near me a lot of the time, and I keep saying I will work on things, but I feel that my major reasons for staying are because I can't really imagine being alone again. I've lost a lot of my friends because of my relationship with him (although I feel that a true friend would have been there for ME, regardless of how they felt about my now-husband), and everyone wants us to be this huge success story, yet I am constantly pretending I am happy, when I'm not at all. It has been incredibly stressful and emotional, and I am sick of having no sleep if he is on one of his drink and emotion binges (get too drunk and skype his exasperated family at all hours). Last night, I listened to him snore for 2 hours until I finally fell asleep, but then I was woken up every so often because he was angry that *I* was snoring! Just because I am not working, it doesn't mean I don't deserve some sleep, right?

Now I think I should have stayed on my own, and am in disbelief that I felt like I was strong enough to deal with relationships, and that I could leave if I was unhappy.

I would write more, but I am so tired and my head is aching. I just wish I could get him to see how he is, and that a lot of his problems with people are not THEM, it's HIM. Maybe he will then get on the path of being a little bit happy.

[Kabooma]

While I have a lot of unpopular opinions on most of what you said- I will stick to the easier one-

Your friends...

You are thinking of leaving the BPD SO, imagine your friends in the same boat... they didn't leave YOU, they left your SO, and I'm sure it pained them to have to lose you in order to lose him.  It sounds crazy probably, and I don't even know if their thought process went that far or if it was more on a subconscious level, but as someone who has seen most of their family and friends alienated, I can only imagine how it feels for them to be in a proxy-relationship with both me and my BPD wife, and I think most people realize that while they may not know why she acts the way she does, that getting away from her, and me, is a good idea.

They are lucky in one respect that they don't have the emotional and legal ties that we have, not to mention kids if you have them.  Their decision is easier and less destructive.  I can't fault them for it, although I do have moments where I feel abandoned by them. 

I went bankrupt once, and was astonished at how many friends/family abandoned me either because they saw me as a loser, or didn't want me coming to them for help or dragging them down.  In some ways, that was more hurtful, but that's the kind of people I also am glad to know what they really are deep-down.

For the other things... if I didn't have kids with the BPD... I'd run like hell and never look back.

[halfnelson]

Well, the friends who have stuck around are the ones who always have. I had been single for 5 or so years before I met my husband, and had been 'available' and I think some of my 'friends' had agendas of their own. If people had met him and seen him when he's being difficult, I could understand, but that isn't the case.

When we were first together, everyone loved him, but then when we got engaged, people were hellbent on trying to stop it.

Only one close friend knows how he is, and many others are very welcoming to him. I think he must give off a vibe to people, however, and I do see people act strange around him, even if he's being friendly.

[goldylamont]

Well, the friends who have stuck around are the ones who always have. I had been single for 5 or so years before I met my husband, and had been 'available' and I think some of my 'friends' had agendas of their own. If people had met him and seen him when he's being difficult, I could understand, but that isn't the case.

When we were first together, everyone loved him, but then when we got engaged, people were hellbent on trying to stop it.

Only one close friend knows how he is, and many others are very welcoming to him. I think he must give off a vibe to people, however, and I do see people act strange around him, even if he's being friendly.

halfnelson i'd be interested to know perhaps more specifics to understand your situation better. what i've found is that people who stay by your side through thick and thin are very rare indeed. but you know for me it isn't really sad, i simply expect less of people. and this may sound like a downer, but i think on the contrary to me i just understand that i have some friends who are *solid* and the fact that i have others who may not be so strong as they just makes me appreciate the ones that are that much more. instead of the other way around. hope this is coming out right 

what experiences do you think have driven your friends away? sometimes a pwBPD can behave in ways that push people away, but in my case i was with my xuBPDgf (ex-undiagnosed-BPD-girlfriend) for years and i can't say she pushed others away. most people could not see or understand the issues she had other than me and perhaps her mother? most of my friends were shocked when we broke up and as baffled as i by her behavior afterwards. however my ex didn't have substance abuse issues and i feel was very high-functioning at least while we were together.

so from my perspective, if you are experiencing multiple friends who are alienated from you b/c of your r/s with your husband--perhaps would help to talk about specifics to figure out why. i can think of several things that could be going on, but not sure of what may apply for you:

1. your husband is giving off a weird 'vibe' that makes people uncomfortable. like they can't put their finger on it but something doesn't feel right.

2. your friends may not feel like your husband acts weird around them, but after hearing your stories this colors their perception of who he is. so, they may try and offer advice and after a while if they don't feel like you are taking this advice then they distance themselves b/c they don't think they are helpful or that you value their input. a lot of people feel like "well, i tried telling halfnelson she should do XYZ but obviously she just keeps wanting to do the same thing so I'm just going to remove myself from the situation". this may not be fair, by the way, but could be true. unless someone has been in a real r/s with someone who is emotionally abusive and/or has substance abuse issues then they just aren't qualified to empathize or offer advice. still, these 'normal' people may distance themselves if nothing they say seems to make a difference

3. it's possible some of the distancing is a form of control coming from your husband. separating a target from friends and family is a way to control someone so that they remain under your thumb. if you're not spending time with friends/family then you are more there for him--especially if he's hip to the game that many of these friends don't see him in the highest regard. in my case this type of control was very light--i could have my friends and family r/s but basically i was cut off from any previous friendships from other xgfs or any women friends of mine that were attractive or seen as threats. not so bad for me, but i've heard many instances of pwBPD making up he-said-she-said stories about people to cause drama and ultimately distance their SO's from friends, parents, children, etc.

i dunno this is just what came to mind so far but i think your input is most valuable.

a little background on me--i'm completely out of my r/s with xBPDgf for 2 years. 4 yr r/s total. the Undecided board is an interesting place as you may get responses from people from both sides of the coin (those staying or those that have left). also, i realize from other posts of yours that you were diagnosed BPD at one time--just know that i commend you on your journey, your healing and self awareness.

[halfnelson]

Hiya,

Thanks for your response.

Well, the friends thing... . it's such a huge lot of little things, but I'll try to explain some of what I've experienced.

One of my closest friends for many years was diagnosed with BPD(among other things), and after I finished my intensive therapy, I just kept her at a distance so as not to get all the drama she seemed to thrive off. After my Mum died, she acted like she was there for me, but even her partner agreed that she seemed to be making it all about her. She had also made a new friend, and this girl could be manipulated, and I couldn't, so I started seeing her less. I knew she was distancing herself because I was very low about losing my Mum. Her partner had been a good friend of mine, or so I thought, but he started being really rude to me when I was getting upset a lot and getting angry.

Then when I met my husband, she seemed absolutely livid and, without even meeting him, hated him! Because of my previous bad luck with meeting anyone for years, I barely mentioned him, but she was suddenly trying to hook me up with all these 'cool guys' that she approved of. So I started to distance from her a bit more.

I don't want to go into it too much, but she was apparently very rude behind my back one night and started a fight with my soon-to-be husband. Now, I don't know if he did call her any names, but the fact was, she made a HUGE scene and ruined an otherwise day. I felt she could have told me later that he'd been a prick, if he had, and we could have discussed it calmly. All that came of it that everyone there thought she was nasty, and that my husband didn't react well to being treated like that. Those people have stuck around, and do give him the time of day.

After I calmed down and told her I was unhappy about how she reacted, I got an email from her new friend that was a load of rubbish, then I just blocked her from Facebook, Hotmail, anything else, and just decided to ditch her. I had wanted to for some time, and I don't regret it one bit.

A week later, I noticed some of my good friends (I only have a few) had deleted me from Facebook. Now, if you've known someone 10 years, you might get some explanation as to why they have done that! I found out from one person that she'd emailed him and said I'd said some nasty things about him, and he will never repeat to me what was said, but we are kinda on speaking terms now. He is definitely one person that my husband was rude to once, but they've since sorted things out.

I also asked some people who had 'deleted' me why they had done so, and apparently I had done it to them. So... . she's obviously got my password and done that, and also done the emails. I worked out how she did it. Major hassle... .

So, there's that.  But the people I am now missing from my life, although not great friends, were just a good distraction from all the crap. My nightmare BPD friend was the only person I knew who had a lot of the same niche interests as me, and I think when I met someone who also had similar interests to me recently, it made me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life with so much negativity!

I do think he does give off a negative vibe to people, when he's drunk especially. And I have had some paranoid people ask if it was them, and I said no.

One of my closest friends who did give him a chance actually said both her and her sister saw the way he watched me when we were out one night and felt uneasy about it. That particular night will never be forgotten because if I ever go out with her, he throws a strop about her friend who I spoke to for a couple of minutes at the bar when he was in the toilet! And that was just embarrassing, the way he reacted as if it'd gone on for ages, and he utterly despises this guy now. I always thought he was a nice guy, but now it's forever awkward if he's invited somewhere I am... . well, it would be if I went!

Another odd phenomena is not him being weird, but the fact that he's quite good looking. I have had girls shove me out of the way to talk to him before! I'm not jealous because, if he's going to do that to me, well he can get lost(also, good luck to anyone who can handle him!).

And some of my male friends seem really threatened by him, not because he's the life and soul of the party (he's really not), but if we go out, their wives or girlfriends just HAVE to tell me how good looking he is. I can imagine that would make them feel crappy.

I also get similar looks from people when they first meet me, but if given a chance, they realise I'm not a stupid bimbo and I don't think I'm 'all that' (far from it).

I do see where you are coming from with the controlling vibe. He seems to make out I can do whatever I want, but that I can't include him because my friends are 'c***s'. Because I'm agoraphobic (albeit not reclusive), it makes things difficult for me to take a break. It's pretty complex, but my life has been very traumatic, and I have made leaps and bounds in battling things, or else I'd never have even met my husband, but I do think it got worse when he started embarrassing me in public with his actions. I can't make excuses for him, and I shouldn't have to. Also, he brings up some of my trauma and makes that a good reason as to why I shouldn't go out late, but I feel that if he just left that to where I want it to be, I wouldn't be so worried about going out and getting attacked.

On the odd occasions that I do go out without him, I dread coming home in case he's very drunk. I think that is another way I am controlled, and I don't know if he knows he does that. He can't just spend a few hours without me in our home. He has to have a lot to drink and then skype his family back home.

I don't know. He does know I joined this forum, and only briefly asked if I was having an affair with everyone on here, and I would really like to know how people have managed staying.

I hope this explains some more. I find it so overwhelming that it's hard to write down comprehensively. But it's probably good that I do.