"Cold as a rock"

[Kallor74]

So after about a month of NC i drunken texted my exBPDgf on Saturday. After going through some serious phony pleasantries I start asking her about splitting and if she thinks that way.  At first she kind of denies it but comes back later and tells me she does do that all the time.  She then gives me the sob story of how she regrets hurting me and doesn't blame me if I hate her but in the next breath says she falls out of love very fast and is "as cold as a rock" inside.

Fun times!   

[santa]

I don't recommend drinking alone during this breakup. Any time I've done it, I've engaged with my ex and felt stupid about it later.

If you want to drink with your friends and have a good time, totally fine.

Don't do it alone though. You're going to want to talk to her every time and it's never going to end well.

The month of no contact is awesome though. That's certainly a good thing. Go with it. Don't let one little setback ruin it. Setbacks happen. Just keep it up and don't beat yourself up for this one slip.

[santa]

This "cold as a rock" is going to apply to any interaction as well.

Any time you ever talk to her, it's going to make you feel worse. Even if she's super nice. It just is.

There are 2 possible outcomes of talking to her and they're both bad.

1. You get your emotions trampled on and feel worse - bad

2. You get back together, feel good for awhile, and then it blows up in your face and you're back where you started - also bad

Don't do it.

[fromheeltoheal]

The cold as a rock thing is consistent with the disorder; a sufferer thinks the chase and the attachment are 'love', in that fantasy way of avoiding abandonment at all costs.  Once a borderline knows she has you, the thrill of the chase is over, so she no longer 'loves' you or wants you.  Obviously unsustainable, and a good lesson for us; if it's moving too fast and seems to good to be true, it probably is.  A long term love affair that grows and strengthens with time needs to start out slowly, with two people who have similar definitions of love.

Doing what you did can feel like starting over, or it can reinforce your decision to detach, depending.  What did you learn from it?  Did what went down reinforce your decision to detach, or make you want her again?  I agree with santa; alcohol can be rumination fuel, if you sit around moping and drinking, but going out and having fun with friends is a way to move forward, within limits.  Take care of you!

[charred]

When I was going through breakup with pwBPD... . got all alcohol and firearms out of house. My pwBPD... . was unpredictable... but getting drunk was last thing in world I needed to do. Ended up moving in with my sister for a while so I had someone to talk sense in to me when needed. Was tough.

Cold as rock... . yep... mine used to ask me if the song "Cold as Ice"... . reminded me of her.

They feel something ... . think its need, it isn't what we think of as love... that is pretty clear.

[sun seeker]

   Santa is correct 100

  Im 7 weeks n/c and have a bad moment of weakness right now. I want break n/c so bad right now i can feel it in my gut. I know better and i won't.  Dam this is difficult. ...  No drinking for me anytime soon. ... .

Keep posting and reading... .

Hang in thier Kallor we are all here for you!

[Kallor74]

Thanks for the support guys, i really appreciate it. 

I really don't want anything to do with her but being alone and drunk was just a bad combo.  I just needed to try and make her understand how disordered she is. I needed to confirm she isn't normal and our "thing" was doomed to failure.

As Charred has said before... . Demons, they walk among us.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just needed to try and make her understand how disordered she is. I needed to confirm she isn't normal and our "thing" was doomed to failure.

Yep, you wanted her to accept some blame and some responsibility, something mine never did.  And also seems you were looking for closure, something that is usually missing in these relationships.  That can be the good news though, as we create our own closure, which is part of taking our lives back.  Take care of you!

[myself]

It's far easier to get to the bottom of a bottle than understand a pwBPD.

Ruminating is part of grieving. Like anything, moderation may be best.

Would the outcome have been any different if you were sober?

[Learning_curve74]

So after about a month of NC i drunken texted my exBPDgf on Saturday. After going through some serious phony pleasantries I start asking her about splitting and if she thinks that way.  At first she kind of denies it but comes back later and tells me she does do that all the time.  She then gives me the sob story of how she regrets hurting me and doesn't blame me if I hate her but in the next breath says she falls out of love very fast and is "as cold as a rock" inside.

Did her words align with what you saw of her actions? A pwBPD doesn't lie all the time.

Learning can be part of your healing process.   

[Changingman]

Tried to explain the lack of empathy to a friend and came up with this:

Could you a a hammer and split a dogs head in two?

No of course not

Could you take that hammer and split a brick in two?

Yes of course

both actions are the same, people are objects to them.

Scary that this happens in nature. But I've seen it up close now, I know it's true.

Cold

Empathy is not learned, not at 32 years old

[SheAskedForaBreak]

After sharing weeks, months, or years with someone suffering from BPD going NC is difficult.  I'm in week three of NC and for the last two weeks I really wanted to call her.  I talked to friends, her brother in law and I are really close friends from childhood.  He was the one that turned me on to the idea of BPD and we talked a length last week why I shouldn't call her.  I feel confident if she calls that I won't respond and if she doesn't I will be fine too.  Every day that goes by I get healthier and I can't imagine being in contact, though I still want to reach out. 

The issue isn't whether you drunk texted her or not.  The experience should help you understand that she doesn't have the capacity to empathize with you.  You are a whole person within yourself and while I fully understand your need to see her take some responsibility please don't be too upset if she never does accept her large role in your relationship difficulties. 

[Kallor74]

Scary that this happens in nature. But I've seen it up close now, I know it's true.

Cold

Empathy is not learned, not at 32 years old

I remember when she would cry. It was always without emotion if that makes any sense. 

Sometimes i would catch her just watching me with these dead vacant eyes.  I'm 6'2" and she is 4'10" but it would scare me sometimes.

[santa]

Scary that this happens in nature. But I've seen it up close now, I know it's true.

Cold

Empathy is not learned, not at 32 years old

I remember when she would cry. It was always without emotion if that makes any sense. 

Sometimes i would catch her just watching me with these dead vacant eyes.  I'm 6'2" and she is 4'10" but it would scare me sometimes.

Crazy people scare everyone. It doesn't matter how big you are. That's why Sonny Liston took a dive against Ali. It's a lot easier to sleep at night when you're not wondering if the person next to you is going to stab you in your sleep.