Should I let him go to jail?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is an ugly true story that happened after I left my x.

He paid a group of hackers $98,000 to hack into all of my communications for 8 months.  He could hear every phone call, read or intercept texts, steal emails and send false ones pretending to be me, and they even hacked into 8 pay as you go phones. 

I have a friend who is a private investigator and they did it to him as well.  It was awful. 

You don't need to gory details, other than this was a way that he succeeded in taking my teenage sons away from me.  He did some terrible Damage to a lot of my relationships.  I have documented proof that is very thorough.  I could have him thrown in jail.

I gave the evidence to the FBI and they are after the main hackers not my x.  I gave them the info if they would leave him alone. I couldn't see taking my boys father away from them, even though he deserved it. 

Things have gotten worse with my children and he hasn't stopped trying to keep them from me.  He slanders me at every turn.  I have one last chance to put the cuffs on him.

The FBI want him because of the money, but it was a deal.  Should I let him have it? 

[Soulsisters]

This is an ugly true story that happened after I left my x.

He paid a group of hackers $98,000 to hack into all of my communications for 8 months.  He could hear every phone call, read or intercept texts, steal emails and send false ones pretending to be me, and they even hacked into 8 pay as you go phones. 

I have a friend who is a private investigator and they did it to him as well.  It was awful. 

You don't need to gory details, other than this was a way that he succeeded in taking my teenage sons away from me.  He did some terrible Damage to a lot of my relationships.  I have documented proof that is very thorough.  I could have him thrown in jail.

I gave the evidence to the FBI and they are after the main hackers not my x.  I gave them the info if they would leave him alone. I couldn't see taking my boys father away from them, even though he deserved it. 

Things have gotten worse with my children and he hasn't stopped trying to keep them from me.  He slanders me at every turn.  I have one last chance to put the cuffs on him.

The FBI want him because of the money, but it was a deal.  Should I let him have it? 

[Waddams]

I think you always have to put your own needs and safety and security first.  You don't have to martyr yourself to protect your kids from feeling bad that their dad is in jail.  It's also important to set the example for them in the future so they will learn it's okay to protect themselves as well.  After all, your ability to take care of your kids is directly related to how good a state (or bad a state) you are in.

And as you are learning, your good will towards him is not, and will not be reciprocated.

My vote is turn him in and let him go to jail.  I wouldn't think twice or bat an eyelash to be honest.  Turn him in, get your kids back, and have his parental rights terminated.  Your kids need someone better to raise them, and they don't need any influence at all from his sort of behavior.  They need to be protected from it.

[ForeverDad]

He ought to face his consequences.  Period.

Actually, it would also be setting a good example for your children, that poor behaviors also have consequences.

The self-sabotaging issue that many many members here face, being victims/targets either by being compliant, passive or unwitting, is that they feel sorry for their targeters/abusers.  Please don't sabotage yourself.  While you don't want to be seen as someone consumed by revenge, you also don't want to be a doormat where your ex wipes his grimy shoes.

I gave the evidence to the FBI and they are after the main hackers not my x.  I gave them the info if they would leave him alone. I couldn't see taking my boys father away from them, even though he deserved it.

This is no small matter.  Also, do you see that you are concerned about him - "taking my boys father away from them" - where he was doing the exact opposite, trying to create a rift between you and your children, besides other purposes.

Do you have some aspects of Stockholm Syndrome where you are inclined to protect terrorists?  That's what he is, virtually, an emotional terrorist.

Things have gotten worse with my children and he hasn't stopped trying to keep them from me.  He slanders me at every turn.  I have one last chance to put the cuffs on him.

The FBI want him because of the money, but it was a deal.  Should I let him have it?

Let him face his consequences, don't cover for him, he's clearly not reciprocating your priorities.

If you've read Richard Warshak's excellent book Divorce Poison, you will have read his introduction warning the reader not to take the silent high road trying to be noble.  Attacks against us do need a firm response, or else we enable or invite even more attacks.

And have no regrets, don't guilt yourself nor let him or others guilt you, those are his consequences after all.

[Soulsisters]

I wish I would have found all of you 5 months ago.

My kids therapist has insisted that I do not speak poorly about the kids father, and so did mine when I had all the evidence gathered against that jerk.  "But he has done it to me" does not fly either. 

But yes, my silence has definately harmed me more than helped me.  I don't feel sorry for him anymore, but I am still very afraid of him.  He scares the hell out of me.  I wish I was just afraid that he would knock me around, I am afraid of what other damAges he will cause me, and that he will never stop this crap.  I used to feel so useless and crazy when I was at home, I think I am afraid that he will make me feel that way again. 

Idk.  I will give the FBI the ok.  They move slow anyway so it won't happen for some time, but it will happen.  I have much documentation on that entire nightmare. 

I guess I better go order that book.  You know every now and then I start to think that I am better, I guess I need to look at how I am is more of a work in progress. 

Are you guys afraid of your x's?

[Waddams]

Are you guys afraid of your x's?

Not my PDxw.  She's a weird combo of NPD/BPD/Bipolar I think.  Never diagnosed, but has hallmarks of all three. 

I have a separate xBPDxgf that came about as a result of not enough healing/growth after my divorce.  She's capable of violence.  I can't say I'm afraid of her, and I know she's living several states away now and is married to some other poor schlub.  There were periods during our relationship though that she definitely had me concerned in ways XW never did, both for me and my S9.  For her, I believe I'm painted so black and unworthy now that she'd never deign to sully herself by contacting a dirty, low down worm like me again.  Suits me just fine.  I did manage to stage our breakup in a way that promoted it all.  Sucks when you can't just end things with someone when it's not working out and have to plan it all out for safety reasons.

All that said, her oldest son was also rather disordered and lives not too far away as far as I know, and he actively tried to help her set me up for all kinds of bad stuff during the breakup.  I don't know if he's still her errand boy of chaos or not as she had him arrested for DV a few months after our breakup (nice mom huh?), or if he'd come out of the woodworks to start new trouble now, but I have my 9mm just in case (and for a lot of other reasons besides him).

[ForeverDad]

Letting him face his deserved consequences is a part of setting healthy and firm boundaries for yourself.  So is standing up for yourself, without needlessly triggering an overreaction from him of course.  The stronger your boundaries the less likely he will be to keep pushing them.  Well, maybe.  Many disordered and entitled people are extremely persistent and relentless.  Even so, strong boundaries are far better than weak appeasing boundaries.

[maxen]

(and for a lot of other reasons besides him).

[Waddams]

(and for a lot of other reasons besides him).

nothing real adventurous.  mainly because it's a dangerous world, getting worse, better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, and i find a hour at a range and 100 rounds down range to be fun, enjoy the challenge of good marksmanship, and it's a great stress relief.  it's very nice to head onto the firing line and forget everything else outside the world as i focus in on only one thing-->shooting technique and safety.  makes for a very nice mental break from everything else.  i find i even enjoy the smell of burned gun powder, all the cleaners and lubricating oils used to maintain my pistol, and the concussion from the guys shooting things much bigger than what i have (the guy that had a full auto AK47 and was burning through ammo as fast as the range could sell it to him was particularly entertaining).

[maxen]

too bad, i thought maybe you were dangerous to know.

it's very nice to head onto the firing line and forget everything else outside the world as i focus in on only one thing-->shooting technique and safety.  makes for a very nice mental break from everything else.

i can see that. i used to shoot foul shots on an arcade machine. it got to the point that i could sink every one in the allotted two minutes. it left me focused, actually.

ok, hijack over.

soulsisters i agree that a person should face consequences. (well i would, i'm the d of d in my middle school.) i do appreciate the fear you have and the sentiment of not taking the father from the children. not being a parent i hesitate to have an opinion on this.

[Soulsisters]

Maxen

I read u r in middle school. My kids blame me for everything because I had to leave.  They can't understand why.  Maybe they don't need to know.  My 15 year old told the therapist how pathetic he thought I was because I didn't fight back.  I couldn't fight back, I was horrified of the man.

What can I do that could help my sons not hurt so much?